This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Be! Depressive! B-E Depressive! B-E, D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-V-E! These past three days, I've been extra depressed and irritable. I don't have much control over it, it seems. Something as small as dropping eggs on the floor can send me into a crying rage. I mean, those eggs were expensive, but that's not the worst thing that's happened to me. I work-ranted to JK for the first time the other night, and then got really weird because I was anxious that he would react the way BK used to react. He did seem to think I was overreacting, but he wasn't a dick about it like BK would have been. He said he understood that I was having a bad day and needed to vent. But I felt like an asshole. I feel like a spoiled princess (heh, another of BK's go-to insults) for getting so worked up about things that are pretty inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. Oh, speaking of BK. There's an AAL show tomorrow and I'm sure he'll be there. Maybe that's why he's been on my mind so much lately. I'm sad about him again? And wish we hadn't broken up sometimes. Stupid. So stupid. It's like I have amnesia or something. I was miserable back then. But oh no, I miss him again. Fuck. I even caught myself debating today whether or not I would cheat on JK with him. The answer is no, but the notion that I even had to give it thought is bothersome. JK continues to be great, and he's been really supportive while I've been more depressed lately. I'm trying not to tell myself he'll eventually get tired of me. I catch myself thinking it constantly. But he's not BK. He's more empathetic and compassionate. And a lot more patient, and better at communicating. I continue to live in fear that I'll upset JK by doing something that would have set BK off. It hasn't happened yet. I try to combat the anxiety by just coming clean to him about it. But I'm insecure about my insecurity, so sometimes it comes out all confusing, and I don't know how to explain, or I don't even know to the full extent what point I mean to get across. I feel crazy these last few days. I keep catching myself thinking like I'm just resigning myself to it. Like, oh, it's winter, better just ride out the depression until spring. A few bad days in a row doesn't have to turn into a whole winter full of them. I can ride out the bad days, but I don't need to be acting like I've got nothing going for me until April. 12:05 a.m. - 2014-12-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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