This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page.

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Give in, give in, give up

I went back to school today. It was ever so delightful. Really, it wasn't so bad, except I had a headache most of the day.


In Broadcast Journalism, we did nothing. The teacher decided not to air Previously Recorded because most of the features were related to spring break, and spring break is already over. Plus, it really, really sucked. So that was good, because I had the cheeiest voiceover ever on my project, and was dreading the day he would play it. So we spent about an hour deciding what features to do for the next episode of Previously Recorded, then for the rest of the time we discussed cartoons. I forgot how awesome AG is. He's dreamy. And he watches Adult Swim. Which gives me an idea for the next episode of Previously Recorded: Perhaps we could do the black screen with a similar white font... We tried that on the announcements last semester, but it didn't work because we didn't have much experience with the equipment.


Then in Advanced Integrated Language Arts/American History/Nonsense (AHAHA the name isn't really that long... I added the "Nonsense" haha, Oh, look how short it is without the "Nonsense", how utterly short and not ridiculously long at all!), we learned nothing. Both teachers took turns talking and passing back old assignments and tests for an hour and twenty minutes. Then they attempted to show us a video and nobody watched, and then the bell rang and everybody cheered. And by everybody, I mean GK, Ben and I.


Then in art, I turned my painting orange. I rather dislike that particular hue. I really didn't feel like destroying my work any more, so I just talked to AH the rest of the time.


I don't really remember much of trig. I kind of zone out unintentionally in math classes. The good news, though, is that I somehow managed to turn my D into a miraculous C. I would go tell my mother because, like most American teenage females, I am desperately seeking approval, but I don't want to get her hopes up if I'm wrong. Sometimes the teacher forgets to post our grades or something, and so it could have fallen back to a D again.


All in all, it was a typical day at school: Unproductive, uninteresting, and uninspiring. This entry may bore you to tears, but it's a nice alternative to what I was originally going to post, which was some whiny, dramatic bullshit I wrote in my real diary last night. Besides, nobody is forcing you to read this.

6:54 p.m. - 2004-03-22

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We'll live happily ever after

Well. Tonight I am lonely. And just a little bitter. Only a little, though, actually less bitter than usual, I think.


I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. Why does it seem like nobody wants me? I'm sure my looks play a part, but I know not everybody cares about such things. So it's got to be something I'm doing, something in the way I talk or the things I say or even the expressions on my face. Something I'm doing is driving people away.


It doesn't help that I'm too fucking timid to approach people. But you'd think there would be someone out there who wasn't too shallow or shy to try to approach me... Maybe If I got out more...


To be honest, I don't even know if I want a relationship anymore. I just want to know I'm not a mutant, I guess. I want some attention. I know that's childish and selfish. I am childish and selfish. Maybe that's why I'm single.

11:41 p.m. - 2004-03-16

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Girls just want to have fun

It's true, we do just want to have fun.


So I'm currently on spring break. Woo! Spring break! Party time! Excellent! Real Kansas girls going wild!


By going wild! I mean staying home all day on the internet or playing Nintendo. You know, your basic everyday going wild! kind of things.


I've been hanging around the Dolly Fortress a lot lately. I even got Patch to join. I've also been working on a doll. And I might actually finish it this time. The key word here is "might".


And! I've done a bit of work on my web site. And here's the real shocker: Somebody actually visited it. I can tell because I have this code that tells what pages have referred to my site, and guess what page referred to it! My diary! Which means someone was actually reading it... Which I never expected. So if you are that reader who visited my site, I thank you. And kind of feel sorry for you. Loser.

9:19 p.m. - 2004-03-13

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I'm a loser, baby

This is my poor-little-me-I'm-so-mentally-tormented entry. This is for me, not for anybody else, so if you don't want to hear me whine, go the fuck away.


I have screwed up my entire life. It goes all the way back to fourth grade, I think, when I dropped out of the gifted class because the math was too hard. I should've asked my mom to teach me how to do it, hell, I could have at least asked the teacher for help. But I couldn't get over my own stupid pride, I was too proud to ask for help. Or maybe I was too embarrassed. Either way, I quit, and lost my only chance to be one of the advanced kids.


I could have been something. I could have learned to apply myself. I could have had the will, that little voice telling me that it was worth it to keep pushing because I was one of the important kids.


I guess it's not really fair to base my current failures on something that happened over six years ago. I could have been a better student in middle school, and I could be a better student now. But I can't concentrate. And even when I can concentrate and I actually learn something, as soon as I get home from school, I've already forgotten everything.


I have an F in chemistry, and a D- in trig. It's gotten so bad that I have panic attacks in chemistry when I think about how low my grade is. I don't understand any of it, because I can't focus. I'm going to blame it on the teachers or whatever might be wrong with my brain, but the simple truth is that I'm lazy and stupid.


I've fucked up my entire future because of it. I have no idea how I'm going to fix this. I seriously want to die. There's no future for me. No point in dragging on being a nothing all my life.


If this were a teen drama show on TV, this would be the part where someone tells me that I need a major attitude adjustment. Well, fuck anyone who wants to tell me that. I know I need to change my ways. But you can't ever really consciously change yourself. It just happens. You can act like you've changed, and say "Oh, my life is so wonderful, no worries, hakuna matata," but somewhere in the back of your mind you know it's not true, you're still bitter, spiteful, jealous hateful, apathetic... Anyway, why be someone you're not? If you're a hateful bitch, then be a hateful bitch. There are consequences, sure, but at least you're not acting like someone you're not.


So hey, guess what, I'm rambling. What a surprise. I don't care. If anyone's actually made it this far, I feel sorry for them.

9:16 p.m. - 2004-02-13

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