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To see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel
Want some advice? Never forget to uncheck the little "automatically insert html paragraph breaks" checkbox. Because it makes your diary all ugly, especially if you insert the breaks yourself. I just spent like, ten minutes editing my last entry because every time I was almost finished, I would press backspace and something would happen and it took me back a page, and I cursed. So. Never forget to uncheck that box.
I really don't have much to write about today. I did have a lovely (and kind of weird) dream last night, though. I was at school and I guess AG was visiting or something, because it was obviously supposed to be next school year since his hair was really long, and he's already graduated. But his hair was really pretty. He was sitting on the floor against the wall talking to someone. I was leaning against the wall talking to AH, and Smith walked up and leaned against the wall next to me, and started talking to us. I remember saying something like "I think I'm dreaming, I'm dreaming, right?" I think it was because AG was there and it seemed impossible for him to be there, especially with such long hair. AH leaned up against the wall too and I guess it was really crowded because we were all kind of smooshed up against each other, and then it got less crowded but Smith didn't make an attempt to move away. We all finished talking and it was time to go, and Smith took my hand and we started walking toward the doors, and it didn't seem to register with me that Smith, who usually acts like I am all creepy, was acting differently than usual. I remember feeling very happy in the dream. Haha, and then we went back to his place and watched his M*A*S*H DVD in his basement.
The basement part was weird because it was very detailed, even though I had never seen it before. In my dreams I almost never dream about a place I haven't been to before; I usually just replace it with some place I have been, like if I went to an unfamiliar house, in the dream it would be the same as my house or AH's house or something. So that was weird. The whole dream was weird, really. Especially since it was Smith. I admit that I have a crush on him, but I never expected to have a dream like that about him.
I had at least two other weird dreams last night, because I remember thinking about them when I woke up, but I don't remember what they were about.
Jerks.
3:16 p.m. - 2004-06-23
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Fill your head all full of lies
Good news! JD decided to stay in the area. Which he has probably been doing all this time, and he just lied about the whole touring with Flaw thing, but whatever. He says he'll visit more often. So that's cool.
Well. I am an idiot and I decided to fill out one of those surveys that I hate so much.
So, uh. Here is is.
[The story behind your pen name]: You mean ZapatoMuerto? It is Spanish for Dead Shoes. MariposaMuerta (Dead Butterfly) was already taken. Zapato was one of my favorite Spanish words because my friend Jesica's boyfriend was from Mexico and always referred to his shoes as his zapatos. (keep in mind this entry is transferred from my high school blog so that is my old screen name)
[3 words that sum you up]: Overdramatic, small, weird.
{DESCRIBE YOUR}
[Wallet]: Don't have one, I just have all my money in my purse.
[Hairbrush]: I have several. The two I use most are black with some weird green and purple design, and blue.
[jewelry you wear daily]: On the days I actually leave the house, my pink Spongebob digital watch. It is so old it has duct tape on it.
[Pillow cover]: Ugly floral print. I need to wash the good ones.
[Coffee cup]: I don't drink coffee.
[Shoes]: The ones I'm wearing now? Pink fuzzy slippers with cute little glow in the dark bunnies.
[CD in stereo right now]: Black Sabbath- Sabbath, Bloody Sabbath
[What are you are wearing now]: Plain white bra under a plain black button down shirt with sleeves that go down to my elbows, a mid-calf length skirt with some crazy print that I won't even attempt to describe, red plaid panties, and my slippers. And a black hair tie.
[Hair]: It is dirty blonde. And curly/wavy. Right now it is up in a ponytail, with a little bit hanging down at the left side of my face.
[In my mouth]: My tongue, teeth, gums and uvula.
[In my head]: I am not even going to begin trying to decipher that mess. ^_^
[Eating]: Nothing, stupid, I am on a diet.
[Some of your favorite movies]: The Sixth Sense, Sybil.
[Something you're looking forward to]: I don't know, Joe coming over again. Playing the Sims. Finally losing some weight, maybe.
[The last thing you ate?]: Really nastyass pizza from the Rainforest Cafe. That place sucks.
[Something that you are deathly afraid of?]: Death? Kind of a no-brainer. I'm prety afraid of the dark, also.
[Do you like candles?]: Yes, but I rarely burn them because I guess I want to save them.
[Do you believe in a thing called love]: Not sure. I don't think I believe in romantic love, but maybe love in general is possible.
[Do you believe in soul mates?]: No, but I believe sometimes two people can have a very strong bond.
[Do you believe in love at first sight]: Not at all.
[Do you believe in forgiveness]: Sort of. I hold grudges a lot, though. You have to really care about someone to actually forgive them.
[If you could have any animal for a pet]: That is not even a complete sentence. I would want a cat. Oh hey, I already have one.
[What are 3 places you wouldn't mind relocating to?]: Canada, United Kingdom, maybe Japan, if I could learn Japanese.
[What are some of your favorite pig out foods?]: Ritz crackers, veggie pizza, soy burgers, soy bologna, tortilla chips with salsa or cheese, breadsticks... Lots of stuff.
[What's something you wish you could understand better?]: Probably myself. People. Children.
[Anyone you miss that you haven't seen in a long time?]: Jesi and BC.
{In the last 24 hours, have you:}
[Cried:] No.
[Gotten sick:] Nope.
[Sang:] Yeah.
[Eaten:] Yes I have.
[Felt stupid:] Oh, constantly.
[Hugged someone:] Yes, Joe.
[Wanted to tell someone you loved them:] Only my cat. ^_^
[Met someone new]: I don't think so...
[Talked to someone you have a crush on:] Kind of.
[Fought with your parents:] No, but I kind of fought with my sister for a minute.
[Dreamed about someone you can't be with:] No.
[Are you center of attention or the wallflower:] Kind of in the middle, leaning toward the wallflower side.
[What type of automobile do you drive:] I don't.
[Would u rather be with friends or on a date:] Definitely with friends; dates are so awkward.
[Do you attend church:] No.
[Do you like being around people:] Depends, which people?
[Who have you known the longest:] My parents, dur.
[Who do you always get along with:] There is no way to always get along with anyone. But NS and I haven't fought in a very long time.
[Who has the coolest siblings?] BC. Her brother is awesome, and her sister is adorable.
[Who is the smartest:] That guy in a wheelchair who uses a computer to talk. Stephen Hawking.
[Who is your Hero:] I don't know, why should I spend all my time idolizing someone who, in reality, is probably all hype?
3:50 p.m. - 2004-06-22
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I'm too busy acting like I'm not naive
JD came over this evening. I was pretty much shocked. He says he's been on tour with Flaw, but who knows if I can believe that? Supposedly, he's the guy who restrings the guitars or something. It's kind of weird, because either last night or the night before, I had a dream that JD showed up.
He was here for about an hour and thirty minutes, I guess. I hadn't realized how much I missed him. It's so weird, because you'd think after all this time (he said he thought the last time we saw each other was maybe October) things would be really awkward, but we were just sitting around talking like we used to back in my freshman year. Well, actually, back in freshman year there was a lot of making out as well as talking, but he's been with JK for like, two years now so there will be no more making out for JD and me.
He doesn't seem to have changed at all. He's still the kind of guy you can't stay mad at. He makes everyone feel extremely comfortable. I honestly think that if he were staying around (which he's not, at least not for a while) he could probably be one of my best friends again. He said he'd come visit me again before he had to leave, either Sunday or Monday. He probably won't, but whatever.
He said I should to go Rockfest tomorrow. Flaw is going to be there. I don't like Flaw, but I've gone to Rockfest two years in a row now with NS. I'm kind of disappointed that she hasn't contacted me about it. If I find out she's going without me, I am going to be very upset. Maybe I should call her. Then again, maybe I shouldn't. I think I will anyway.
7:37 p.m. - 2004-06-18
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The more you change the less you feel
Jon called me yesterday, and we ended up going to see Shrek 2 that night. It was fun but I don't know... Something just didn't click. We were both pretty quiet. When he took me home, I invited him to come in for awhile and we watched Family Guy and Aqua Teen Hunger Force and ate pudding cups. Then when he had to leave, he asked me to step outside with him and I thought he just wanted a kiss or something, but he asked me to be his girlfriend. Which was weird, so I said it was too soon for that, but I'd go on another date with him.
I got online after that and I was talking to JBeg. He kept talking about his girlfriend and how hot she is and how freaky she gets in bed, and bragging about how he once gave her eleven orgasms. It is safe to say that I was feeling a little jealous. And still am. But I didn't tell him that because we've got a pretty decent friendship going now and I don't want to wreck that.
He was trying to convince me to have a threesome with them but I told him I didn't have the experience for that. Which launched this huge discussion on confidence and how much I worry. He said a lot of really helpful things, which surprised me because I always thought my timid side pissed him off. But he was very understanding and patient, and I'm very glad that I have him to talk to. I did not feel any better about the situation, but at least he didn't make me feel worse.
I was pretty emotional last night about the whole situation, because I have a huge challenge ahead of me. This is going to be very difficult to do, but if I want to be happy, I need to fix this. Today I just feel drained. I could cry at any moment, but that could also be because I'm tired. I was up past 5:00 this morning and my sisters woke me up around 10:00. I've been really afraid at night lately and have been staying up because of that, so that's something else I need to work on.
I can't figure out why I'm so unhappy today. You'd think that since I've made the decision to work on my confidence, I would be feeling better about things. But I feel overwhelmed, I guess. I need somebody to talk to about this but I don't think JBeg wants to hear me whine. I tried to make things seem really positive last night when I was talking to him. The only person I could really talk to about this is Patch, but I wish I had someone to talk to in person. I really just need to be held right now.
1:24 p.m. - 2004-06-10
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