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Well, I still don't seem to care

So. It's been about a month since I've written. I have been pretending to be busy with school. School, by the way, is the most sinister of mankind's inventions. Seriously.


I have not even started my senior paper, and the rough draft was due today. I haven't even written the outline. It's so fucking stupid to give us two weeks to write fifty notecards of notes but then only a week to write the actual paper. And she has all these little specific requirements, like we have to organize our notes in the same order they'll go in the paper. That doesn't seem very logical to me, because then you can't put all the notes from one page of a book or whatever on the same notecard.


I am failing English (surprise, surprise) and my mother is very, very disappointed. So disappointed, in fact, that I am not allowed to get on the computer until I've completed my missing English work. Which is ridiculous. It's just as easy to procrastinate without the computer. It's really just a punishment, and she knows it. But I suppose there is some good news. If I get my grades up, not only will I regain computer usage, but I will get to go to Arizona during spring break. Which starts on March eleventh, I think. Which is JD's birthday. I am a good friend, remembering JD's birthday.


Also, I have a D in political science. D for "delightful." Mr. M had me talk to him after school today. He got my essay test graded. I failed at least two, maybe three, or maybe even four. There were supposed to be five, but I didn't do the last one because I just flat out didn't know anything.


It isn't fair to grow up believing that you're smart and then having that belief taken away from you all of a sudden. I can't do this stuff. They shouldn't have let me into honors classes in freshman year, and they certainly shouldn't have let me in this year. The worst part is, my mother paid so that I could take these classes for college credit. I am not smart enough, but just because I aced that stupid English test up at the junior college, she thinks I am. She says that when I say it's too hard and I can't do it, it's a cop out. That's her new favorite expression, cop out. But I really don't think I can do this. I am not smart.

I am actually thinking of moving into my grandparents' house so I can go to a different school. The school near them doesn't require seniors to write a huge paper before they graduate. The kids would probably all hate me because it's our rival town, and I wouldn't get to graduate with my friends, unless I moved back at the last minute, maybe. But I wouldn't have to write that fucking paper. And it would be so much more peaceful at my grandparents' house.


That would be stupid, though. Moving out just to avoid writing a paper. A cop out.


I just don't know what to do. Everyone makes it sound so easy. Everyone has a goddamned future. From the time they're eight years old kids have their dream college picked out, and all throughout high school they do all their work and get near perfect grades and then they go to that dream college and get near perect grades and how is it so fucking easy for everyone?


I don't understand why I can't be like that. I don't have goals. And I don't have a future, and I don't have what it takes to have one. I want to be one of those kids, a teacher's pet, the kind of kid that earns extra credit by working hard on extra assignments, and always gets things done but I can't make myself do it! And even when I do try to do my homework, I look at the paper and my mind just empties itself. I feel dim, like there's nothing going on, like everything is hazy and I don't know what's happening.

I know what you're thinking. This is a cop out. And you're probably right but that doesn't change anything, now does it?

3:39 p.m. - 2004-10-15

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A lot of nothing to say

I have not written in a while, have I? I think I may be outgrowing the diary thing. I used to carry a little notebook around with me all the time, but I realized this school year that I have only written in it once or twice. I think I just feel stupid wasting my time whining about things.


Having said that, now I am going to whine about things.


Bad things are happening at my house. My sisters are fighting all the time, and my mother is always in a bad mood, and I think my dad is drinking even more than usual and he's getting meaner, especially when he's sober. His birthday is tomorrow, and we are all going to Olive Garden because that is the classiest of all unauthentic chain restaurants. I'm going because well, free fake Italian food. I like their breadsticks. If it was some other place, I'd just stay home. I'm getting tired of trying to pretend we're a big, happy family.


Also, my mother is taking the computer into her office sometime soon to have some coworker get rid of the spyware. That is bad because of all the things I've downloaded, and all the sites I've looked at. I've deleted everything, but it's still there, and since he's a computer whiz, he'd be able to locate everything. So if he finds anything, don't expect any more updates from me, unless I update from school. My mother will most certainly disconnect our internet, which is horrible, and she will be disgusted and ashamed of me, which is equally horrible. I don't know why I feel guilty because I don't feel that I've done anything wrong. I just don't want her to hate me. She's the closest thing to stable that I've got in my life.


So I had better go now, and delete some cookies, and eat some cookies, and probably some chips, and everything else because I am hungry and feeling sorry for myself.

10:07 p.m. - 2004-09-16

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Bullshit talk is just a sad excuse to make yourself feel important

Explain to me why I am not important enough to listen to.


All day today I was either talking and nobody was listening, or wanting to talk but knowing I shouldn't. I realize that some people feel that they should listen to their best friend over some girl they hardly know, but even NS does it. I guess it's because I'm not a badass like her. Yeah, she's such a badass. I think I will say badass one more time... Because that's what NS is. A badass, that is.


Seriously though, if it's just me, she'll listen but if ARM or MM or BG or HI is around, I might as well have my mouth duct taped shut because I could probably get more words in that way!


It's just irritating because it's been happening at home a lot too. I'll be talking to my mom and MLS or BRS or my dad will walk into the room and interrupt me as if I was never talking in the first place. And then I look like a jerk when I yell at them or even just point out the fact that they cut me off midsentence. Because people really hate when you point out that they've done something they're not supposed to. But if you don't alert them about it, how are they ever going to better themselves?


So anyway, I don't really have much else to write about. Tonight I am going over to the junior college to take these tests that will determine whether or not I can get college credit for English and college algebra. So maybe then I can use those credits and go to a junior college if I decide to do that later. Hey look, ANS might have a future. Next thing you know I'll be studying law or medicine and then I'll graduate and get married to some upstanding American citizen and have three children who get all A's and the boys will play football and the girl will be a cheerleader and we'll have a dog because no successful American family is complete without a golden retriever! Well that decides it, then. I am certainly not going to college. There is no way I'm getting a dog.

4:47 p.m. - 2004-08-30

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No recess! No recess!

Yeah, so technically I already used "No recess" as a title for another entry only this time it is there two times because it says "no recess" a lot of times in that song. Ten counterfeit American dollars go to whoever can guess what song I am referring to! Anyway, I had to have this title because it is the only lyric I can think of that is school related because I am not a good rememberer.


So school is going very well and also very poorly. I like most of my classes but also I hate some of them! Here is what I am taking:


Choir (Fun because I get to sing and that is why they call it choir, probably.)


College Algebra (Not fun because it's math, but bearable so far. I got an A+ on my first assignment! Also, the answers are in the back of the book! Coincidence? YES.)

Advanced Word Processing (This class teaches you to hate your life and also to hate the teacher who is called Satan With Glasses and I am not kidding! That's the name Crazy Mike made up for her. I am not sure who made up Crazy Mike's name.)

Seminar (That is a word for study hall that makes us sound more productive! I like my Seminar because I have Sully and so it's all yearbook and newspaper students except for a few non-journalism students like me. Those yearbook kids are some crazy cats, I tell you!)

Political Science (This is okay so far but it's going to get hard and I will hate my life and I don't know why I decided to take this class because all the tests are nothing but essays!)

Psychology (Okay because it has JK and JGrimm and other people who I don't hate!)

Honors English (I hate that kind of, because the teacher is stupid and asks ridiculously vague questions that make you want to shoot yourself.)

Fashion and Design (There is a boy in this class and he is a metrosexual!!! But he's a jerk. I like this class because NS sits next to me and also we will get to make hats for kids who have cancer! Also, the textbook has a really funny cover because it was made in the late 1990s and so it has funny clothes which is ironic because the book is for learning about fashion.)


The worst part of school is lunch though because we have so many freshmen this year and it is really crowded. All the tables are always taken up by the time I've purchased my food substitute so there's always this little panicky feeling I get because I worry that I won't have anyone to sit with. And that happened yesterday. I put my food down at a regular table because the senior tables were all full because my school cannot afford more tables, apparently. And then I went into the bathroom and when I came out a kid had set his food down at the same table as my food and that is not polite! So I took my stuff and went over to a senior table and asked if there was any room, and they all just kind of looked at me like I was stupid so I said "GODDAMNIT" and then I threw my lunch away and cried in the handicapped stall in the bathroom because I am a girl like that. Today I found out that someone had actually said I could sit there and I guess I didn't hear them. Jerks.


But on white days, I don't have to worry about lunch because NS has the same lunch as me! Today we ate outside with this other girl named BG. We were talking about this girl at our school. The other day either the new principal or the new assistant principal told her she had to turn her hoodie inside out because it had the name of another school on it. What the fuck? And I don't think it's because it was from another school, I think it was that one school in particular and they just don't like it because they're pricks! So we decided that we're all going to try to get ahold of some hoodies from that school and wear them on the same day because that is called FIGHTING THE MAN.


Seriously though, that is such bullshit. That shirt is not offensive at all. I can understand if the shirt had swear words or drug references or vulgarity or whatever else there is that offends people, but it is just a friggin' school!


I definitely did not forget what else I was going to write.

7:29 p.m. - 2004-08-26

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