This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page.
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A dream for us
I have decided that I must talk to that THam guy before winter break. Because if I don't, maybe he will go on a trip to see family for Christmas, and meet some beautiful friend of his cousin and fall in love with her and not me! And don't say that's not possible, because that's exactly what NS did this summer. Only it was not for Christmas, and she met a guy, not a beautiful girl. But I am sure she met a few of those while she was down there too!
But anyway. He wants me. I swear! Because the last couple of days, he has been standing near my locker talking to people, and he looks at me to see if I am looking at him and then I look away. I feel like I'm in middle school again.
So I think maybe I'll ask JoP about him, see if he has a girlfriend. JoP seems like a nice guy, so maybe he wouldn't tell anyone. Then again, maybe he'd tell THam. And that would be bad if he had a girlfriend. Plus, it could be a turnoff, because I'd be doing the twelve-year-old "hey ask your friend if he likes me" thing. I keep hearing that guys like confident girls. And that is not a very confident thing to do.
I wish Patch would sign on. I haven't seen him online all day. I wanted to tell him about my dream. It was beautiful. My first real sex dream! Well, I have had sexual dreams before, but none involving intercourse until just this morning. And Patch was the lucky guy!
In the dream, we were lying in these beds, in some hospital or something which is weird. Anyway, I climbed into his bed and I was naked and I guess he was too, because I don't remember any clothes being taken off throughout the dream. We kissed for a long time and then I grabbed onto his ass and kind of pulled him toward me, pushing him into me. And the whole time he was kissing me and sucking on my nipples and it was amazing, even if it was only a dream. When I woke up I was all wet. Best dream I've ever had.
8:46 p.m. - 2004-12-11
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I don't like you, no way
Hey wow. It has been like, forever since I last wrote. Thought maybe I ought to update.
Actually, I am stalling right now! I'm supposed to be working on my paper, which I am more than halfway through, thank you very much.
I finally switched into Government, so no more crazy Political Science anymore. I thought I'd miss it, but I love my Government class. JK (JD's girlfriend) is in there, and so is ARM but we don't talk, and so is this guy named DHn who I know from Psychology, and so is JoP who is dreamy but dating JSines' friend Desi. Remember JSines? I don't think I wrote about her in this diary. Ah well, Patch is the only one who reads this anyway and he remembers her. I am a jerk for not contacting her anymore, but hey, it's a two way street.
So anyway, Government is awesome because the teacher gets off topic every day and we end up not doing anything but discussing things that we are not even studying! Last week we talked about gay marriage, and religion, and vasectomies. And the people are not smarter than me! So that's a bonus.
I'm still in honors English, though, until next semester, which is exactly what I want. The regular English teacher is a dick. The honors English teacher is at least nice sometimes, though I suspect that she is trying to sabotage any chance I have of graduating. I asked her the other day what was due the next day, and she left out an entire assignment. Luckily, I had a late pass so I got full credit.
So i have exactly 745 words out of 1200 for my senior paper. I am going to call it quits for tonight, I think.
Oh hey! You know that guy THam? Of course you do. He is the guy with the long black hair and his roots are showing and he wears kind of tight jeans. Which make his butt look really cute. I see him all the time around school and he always glances at me and my immediate reaction is to look at the floor. Every day after nutrition break when the bell rings I stand by my locker, waiting for the herd to pass so I can get to class safely. Usually I'm pretty much pinned against my locker by the crowd and he always walks past me, like right past me, and I glance at him and he looks at me and I look at the floor, because it is creepy to stare. I've never talked to him though, and I don't have any classes with him, though I do have a few classes with some of the people I've seen him talking to. I want to talk to him but you can't just walk up to someone and say hi, not at my school anyway.
I just realized that this entire entry deals with school. Must remember to get myself a life in the near future. Oh well. I know what you're thinking, because I was thinking it too: At least I didn't write about my cat.
12:20 a.m. - 2004-12-08
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I'm a negative creep
I suppose I ought to update this thing more often. I need to vent today anyway. Another pitiful feel-sorry-for-me teen angst diary entry. Sounds promising, doesn't it?
Honestly, I had kind of a bad day yesterday too, and I think I may have carried my bad mood from yesterday into today.
I was upset because NS was twenty minutes late after school, and I had a driving lesson at 3:30. I didn't know where she was and I was worried I'd be late, and also that was just really inconsiderate of her to not let me know what was going on. So this very sweet girl named LS asked me what was wrong, and of course everytime someone asks me what's wrong, I cry, because I am an idiot. And then she finally came to her locker (which is very close to mine) and got her stuff and asked if I was ready, and I said "Yes, I'm fucking ready! Where were you?"
Turns out she had been finishing sewing her bag for our fashion and design class. I told her I had a driving lesson and she said, "Well, I didn't know that." At that point I lied and said I was mad at myself for not telling her. I shouldn't have to! She shouldn't be that late without telling me what she was doing. And then I was still crying, and she and ARM were laughing and giggling the whole way to the car, and acting like they hadn't done anything wrong.
Plus, NS has just been really pissing me off for the last couple of months. She doesn't even like me, I think. I don't know why she still talks to me. She probably wouldn't if she didn't drive me to and from school.
So I guess today I was still in a bad mood, and that did not help me with my political science test at all. I had to write five essays and I only got a couple of sentences for each of them. I didn't even attempt one of them. I started crying in class because I do that a lot lately, because I am a female and we are stupid, emotional creatures. But I wasn't crying hard or anything, so I doubt many people noticed.
I cannot take those tests. I can't write essays without notes. I studied for hours and I knew most of the material, but once I got to school, I just kind of shut down. I need to get switched out of honors classes. Then I could take government instead of political science. They get to take their tests home, and they are multiple choice.
The teacher said I could finish it during study hall tomorrow, but I don't know how I could do that. I can never remember anything. Everything is really hazy.
So then during nutrition break I was thinking I could just forget about it, and get some pretzels from the vending machine, and this stupid bitch cut in front of me, and that just pissed me off. I stormed off and ran into this guy named DH, right in front of that guy named THam who is dreamy. I apologized and cried in the bathroom. I told you I do that a lot!
So the rest of the day was okay until fashion and design, because NS and ARM were being all distant towards me like they usually are. Which I can deal with, it just irritates me. Oh, and then this girl was being a bitch to some of the other students, and had the teacher not been there, I would have told her so.
Aaaand to top it off, I got into a big fight with MLS. So I am not going to her stupid music program tonight. Jerk. I don't want to go into the whole fight thing, because it's not worth it, and I'm tired of writing.
So bye.
Oh yeah, I am thinking again about quitting school. I forgot to say that.
6:31 p.m. - 2004-11-18
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Trick or treat, the bitter and the sweet
Halloween sucks.
I cannot believe I didn't realize this earlier.
There is no point. All you do is put on some humiliating costume, and maybe parade yourself around town all night.
It's begging! Begging for candy, of all things. Not even real food.
I am just disappointed, I think, because this used to be my favorite holiday. It was like my Christmas! And now I am realizing how stupid it is.
And I never even got to enjoy it much as a kid. My mother drove me around to my relatives' houses, and then we hit a couple of family friends' houses, and I was almost always home before 9:00. All the other kids at least got to walk. I think that was the thing I always looked forward to most, being able to walk around at night unsupervised.
But then when I was finally allowed to do that, my friends had decided that they were much too mature for such a practice. I tried trick-or-treating with friends a couple of times, and they mostly just complained the whole time.
So. This year KH invited me to go trick-or-treating with her and her friend JT. I wasn't too excited about it, but I agreed anyway because I never get out of the house anymore and I'd like to spend some more time with KH, because she is a nice girl. Only she never called me. And so I am stuck at home handing out candy while everyone else my age is probably out at some Halloween party getting drunk or high or pregnant or doing whatever else one might do at a party.
I know I'm too old for this, and for the first time, I don't actually want to go trick-or-treating. But I am so tired of people blowing me off! I need to get out of the house once in awhile. The last time I did anything with a friend was when I went over to ARM's with NS because we were supposed to go haunted housing, but I got sick of ARM's boyfriend and went home. So i didn't even get to do anything.
GODDAMNIT IF MY DAD DOESN'T START CLOSING HIS MOUTH WHEN HE CHEWS I THINK I AM GOING TO KILL HIM.
7:11 p.m. - 2004-10-31
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