This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page.
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I lost the will to fight
Today sucked. NS not only picked up two other people, but she also backed into her mom's car, so we were late to school, and I got a detention. I was very upset about the detention because how am I supposed to serve a detention if I can't drive myself home? Being so very upset, I cried on the way to choir. So I turned around and went into the bathroom so I could stop crying and clean myself up. Then when my choir teacher asked if I'd just come in, I said yes, and started crying again. I cried all through warmups. It was humiliating.
The teacher was understanding about it, though. After the class finished warming up, she called me into her office and asked what was wrong, and she let me go to the restroom to wash off my face.
And of course I can't blame NS, because I should have gotten my license almost two years ago. You see, it always somehow manages to be my fault.
Oh, did I mention that when I went into the office to get my tardy slip, the guidance counselor asked to see me? She took me into the principal's office and we had the same talk as usual, HeyANSifyoudon'tpassEnglishyouwon'tgraduateIguessyou'vegotitundercontrolokaythenI'llseeyoulater OH BY THE WAY WE ARE LEGALLY REQUIRED TO CALL YOUR MOTHER.
The rest of the school day was all right. I talked to JoP for a while in painting, and that was nice. He should date me. But then I would feel bad because that would mean he'd have to break up with Desi.
So this afternoon my mom called. They called her not once, but twice, wasn't that sweet of them? And she was just as sweet to me. No, actually I am lying. She said she was taking away the computer and my TV and all my Nintendos.
And hey, you know what? This is still my fault. Not only because I have not been doing homework, but because I fucking took honors classes. AND REMAINED IN HONORS ENGLISH. I could have easily switched to regular senior English. That's what really pisses me off about myself. I was actually stupid enough to think that honors would be easier because of the teacher. She gives us a shitload of homework every day, and makes everything due on the same day and she asks ridiculous questions about symbolism that no American high school student would be able to answer. And I fucking took her class.
I don't want to say I want to die, but I just don't want to deal with this anymore. Every decision I make ends up kicking me in the ass and I keep digging this hole deeper and deeper, and I don't know what to do now, aside from dropping out. Which I can't do because high school dropouts are frowned upon in American society. Really, pretty much anything I do at this point will probably be frowned upon by American society.
Jerks.
4:14 p.m. - 2005-02-28
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All apologies
Shit.
Shit shit shit.
So I sent an E-mail to BC. Only I don't actually know if I sent it. On Xanga there's a little link below eack entry that says "email it" and I assumed that meant "E-mail a comment." I mean, what the fuck is "it" supposed to mean? Those guys need to be more clear.
So now I'm freaking out because I may have committed a Xanga faux pas or something. I probably spelled that wrong. Whatever, the point is, I am going to look like an idiot and BC is going to be mad at me for waiting so long to contact her. I should have just gotten a Xanga account and left her a note or something.
God, this is so stupid. I am freaking out over someone I don't even talk to anymore.
3:20 p.m. - 2005-02-25
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Vacant
Hey guess what! I am nervous. Because I am thinking that maybe I'll be single for a very very long time.
I did manage to actually look at THam today. For at least a full second! Maybe even two. He looked back. I think I tried to smile, but if I did try, it didn't quite work. But I didn't have an unpleasant look on my face! Come on, that's got "I want you" written all over it, right? I think my signals are clear.
I had a dream that I talked to him last night. He was in my kitchen? And he was about to walk out and I was like "Hey, wait!" And I said what I've been rehearsing in my head for months now, and he said that he was not interested and I was displeased.
I think at this point, the only way I'll be able to talk to him is if I have JoP introduce us or something. Which I really don't want to do, because that is totally immature and insecure and all those other words that probably start with the letter I. So maybe I'll ask JoP if THam would be turned off by something like that, and if he says he doesn't think so... Maybe I'll go for it? I don't know.
I think one of the main reasons I can't bring myself to talk to him is because I've waited so long. I mean, I've had a crush on him since like, September or October. And he's known it since then. It's obvious by the way I act when he walks by. I almost always look down immediately when he looks at me. I hide behind my locker when I see him coming towards me. Hell, the other day I started shaking.
I know I have to talk to him. If I don't, I'm just going to be lonely and miserable for a long time. I never go anywhere anymore.
That might change, though. I have a plan. I'm going to start talking to KH more often, so maybe I can start hanging out with her. And maybe DBeck and I can see scary movies together. And I will probably try and get together with JK sometime.
And now that I know how to contact BC, I can try to start up the friendship again and we can hang out.
She is so awesome. I have been reading through her Xanga and it really hit me hard, how much I miss her. She was the coolest friend I ever had, really true to herself and so upbeat and optimistic. She was usually pretty good at cheering me up. Hopefully she won't be mad at me and she'll agree that we should be friends again.
7:10 p.m. - 2005-02-24
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Write some words, make them rhyme
I have an interesting story this evening.
Yesterday in government class we were using the laptops. Since we don't have usernames on the laptops, you can easily see what sites other students have visited. In the drop-down list for the address bar, there was a list of Xanga sites that I'm sure all belonged to people from my school. One of the usernames was for this stupid girl whose name is MP. Her name is spelled like a girl's name but she pronounces it like a boy's name.
So I was looking through her notes because I'm nosy, and I found a note from BC. Remember BC? She moved last year because of problems with her mom, so now she goes to a school not too far from my school district. I was pretty upset about the whole situation and for a long time, I missed her like crazy. I still miss her, but now I feel guilty for never contacting her. I tried calling her several times but I kept getting some robot answering machine and it was impossible to tell if I was even dialing the right number. I never actually got her E-mail address.
But now I know her AIM username and I really want to message her. I'm afraid she'll be mad at me, though, for never contacting her. I don't know, I guess I'm just kind of stunned right now. I never expected to find her Xanga account or anything like that. If I do contact her, which I probably will, what are the chances that we'll actually be friends again? I worry too much, I think.
EDIT: I just tried to add BC to my AIM buddy list. It wouldn't let me? What the hell?
7:35 p.m. - 2005-02-23
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