This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page.

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Fuck you, Halloween.

I used to love Halloween. I got to dress up and go trick or treating, even if it was just with my mom and she made me wear a coat. Then I finally got old enough to go without my mom, and my friends thought they were too cool for Halloween. I never really got to experience it.

I am pretty bummed about never having anything to do on Halloween anymore. It's like how most people feel when they're alone on Valentine's Day. I was all pissy earlier, but I'm over that. It's not worth being mean to everyone just because I'm not having a good time.

Actually, I'm feeling pretty good now. Been talking to an online friend and I've downloaded some music by Polaris, the band who played a lot of the music on the Adventures of Pete and Pete. Which, by the way, season two comes out on DVD tomorrow! I'm stopping at Best Buy on Wednesday after work to pick it up, since it's right across the street from where I work.

I think I am perpetually stuck in the 90s.

9:44 p.m. - 2005-10-31

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Hello, my name is ANS and I'm a blogwhore.

Seriously, I just realized I have three blogs, two of which I post nearly identical entries in. I suck.

So continuing my blogwhoring now with a survey:

Name:
ANS.

Birthday:
April of 87. You don't need to know the date.

Birthplace:
Kansas.

Current Location: Still Kansas.

Eye Color: Blue.

Hair Color: Dark blonde.

Height: 5�1��

Right Handed or Left Handed: Right.

Your Heritage: Dutch, German, Irish, Scottish, English, probably some other stuff as well, but I'm pretty sure I'm all European.

The Shoes You Wore Today: Turquoise Converse.

Your Weakness: Lots of things.

Your Fears: The dark, stalkers/being attacked in the parking lot after work by aforementioned stalkers, spiders (but I still take them outside rather than kill them) death, heights sometimes, flying, driving to places I haven't driven before and getting lost, ghosts, Christianity actually being the correct belief system and me going to hell, the apocalypse (I seriously have a really irrational fear that all the predictions are right and the world will end next year and I will go to hell)... Um, actually, there's probably more.

Your Perfect Pizza: Green peppers (or possibly red), red onions, and tomatoes on a hand-tossed crust.

Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Don't die or get raped in the parking lot. Also probably get a boyfriend.

Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: "haha"

Thoughts First Waking Up: I'm usually too busy resetting my alarm for ten more minutes to think about anything. Repeat about eight times.

Your Best Physical Feature: My boobs, and my nails.

Your Bedtime: Anywhere from midnight to five, depending on my plans for the next day.

Your Most Missed Memory: I don't have a very good memory. I guess childhood and being able to do pretty much whatever I wanted and have no responsibilities.

Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi, no contest.

MacDonalds or Burger King: Burger King. McDonald's puts beef in their fries.

Single or Group Dates: I don't know, I don't think I've ever been on a double date.

Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Tea sucks.

Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate.

Cappuccino or Coffee: Coffee sucks too.

Do you Smoke: Not cigarettes, and rarely pot.

Do you Swear: Frequently.

Do you Sing: In my car, and at home when no one's around.

Do you Shower Daily: Every other day. You're not even supposed to shower every day. Society just tricks people into thinking they're dirty if they don't shower every day.

Have you Been in Love: Nope. Don't plan on it either.

Do you want to go to College: No, but I'm kind of wondering if maybe I should be. I'm getting really tired of those awkward conversations, "Where do you go to school?" "Oh, I don't go to school." "...Oh, that's cool..."

Do you want to get Married: Hell no.

Do you belive in yourself: Nope. I don't exist.

Do you get Motion Sickness: Sometimes in cars I get a little queasy, but usually I'm fine.

Do you think you are Attractive: Sometimes, depending on how I look that day and what other girls are around me.

Are you a Health Freak: No, but I intend to be eventually.

Do you get along with your Parents: My mom. Not my dad, though.

Do you like Thunderstorms: If I don't have plans, and if they're not keeping me awake.

Do you play an Instrument: No, I wish I knew how, but that takes practice and hard work and I am not willing to sacrifice my sitting around time.

In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Man, I haven't drank alcohol in years, I think.

In the past month have you Smoked: No.

In the past month have you been on Drugs: No.

In the past month have you gone on a Date: Kind of. Or at least it kind of turned into one toward the end.

In the past month have you gone to a Mall: I don't think so. Malls are not as fun as they used to be anyway.

In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: Um, gross?

In the past month have you eaten Sushi: Fuck no.

In the past month have you been on Stage: Noooo.

In the past month have you been Dumped: No, but I have been cheated on and then never called again, but I was going to dump him anyway.

In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: Nope. It's almost November.

In the past month have you Stolen Anything: I don't remember, probably not.

Ever been Drunk: No.

Ever been called a Tease: Yeah.

Ever been Beaten up: Nope.

Ever Shoplifted: Yes.

How do you want to Die: I don't.

What do you want to be when you Grow Up: Taller. Man, I don't know! Who said I wanted to grow up?

What country would you most like to Visit: Canada?

In a Boy/Girl..

Favourite Eye Color: I don't care.

Favourite Hair Color: Don't care.

Short or Long Hair: I notice long hair first, but I'll take short as well. But oh my god, long hair is sexy.

Height: Ugggh, the last girl answered over six feet. That really bugs me how girls won't date guys who are short. Stop being such a stuck up bitch! I don't care about height. I've dated guys who were a foot taller than me, and I'd date a guy shorter than me.

Weight: Skinny, preferably. Not muscular, not overweight, just plain scrawny. But I will accept other shapes and sizes as well.

Best Clothing Style: Fuck style. Wear a t-shirt and jeans and stop trying to impress everybody.

Number of Drugs I have taken: One, unless you count prescription drugs that I had to take because I was sick.

Number of CDs I own: I don't know, close to fifty. I need to buy more.

Number of Piercings: One in each ear.

Number of Tattoos: None.

Number of things in my Past I Regret: Too many to count. Pretty much my entire childhood and adolescence, and also probably young adulthood, if you can call this adulthood.


So I'm kind of bummed today. I feel like nobody likes me, and everyone thinks I'm annoying and weird and stupid and they only talk to me to be nice. I get like this periodically, and then I forget about it (for the most part) and go on with things. I haven't felt like that in a while, though.

I figured things were finally going well, I've got a job and I'm pretty much used to it now, and I don't have too hard a time talking to people at work anymore. But then I noticed how the other girls (and JFries) at work talk to each other, like they're friends. JF has taken quite a liking to Tess, and I'm jealous. No, I don't have a thing for JF, since he's married and also reminds me of DMark, I just wish I could be one of those people you hear other people talking about. "Oh yeah, she's cool as hell, really funny, really sweet, just a great person to be around," stuff like that. That's how Tess is. It also doesn't help that she's really hot.

Now matter how hard I try, I am never going to be one of those girls who can just glide through a conversation. I can't manage to have a single conversation where I don't say something awkward, and then obviously appear embarrassed. And I'm not like most girls my age; I don't party, I don't go to school, I don't even usually go out, except to work. I have nothing to talk about.

And I am so afraid of trying something new and being in a situation I haven't been in before, I never do anything. I turned down a chance to hang out with JD and JK at this mock rave Halloween party thing at the Granada tonight. I said I was tired and sick, which is true, but I was nervous about it. I didn't know what to do, where to go, or whatever. I didn't want to be around all those people tonight, either. I don't know if I would have been able to handle it.

Another reason I'm bummed is JBeg. This happened two years ago after Freaker's Ball, too. He is like the coolest guy ever, very intelligent, and really hot, and, as I found out, very good at fingering, but he lives like an hour away so we can't date. I am totally infatuated with him, just like I was a couple of years ago. I swear, he's about as close to perfect as a guy can get for me.

11:22 p.m. - 2005-10-29

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Hot lovin' in Kansas City

So I went to visit JBeg in KC today We were supposed to meet up at Barnes and Noble, but I got lost and ended up calling him from the Union Station parking lot, and he just met me there, and then we continued to Barnes and Noble, where we sat and read magazines and were boring.

After that we went back to his house, and hung out in his room. We watched some TV and talked, and he kept tickling me and trying to get me to fool around with him. I told him I was all insecure, but hell, I wanted to fool around with him. Seriously, he is the hottest guy who's ever not been repulsed by me. And he is so much fun to be around. I am majorly crushing, and from the way he was acting, so is he.

So eventually I moved closer to him, and he was like, "Looks like you just made the first move," and I was like, "So? What are you going to do about it?" And he grabbed me and kissed me and of course that led to making out, which led to me taking my shirt off, which led to him fingering me, which was a hell of a lot better fingering than I ever got from JD or DMark. After a while, I gave him a handjob, then we did the whole "tit fuck" thing. There is no intelligent term for tit fucking, so that is just what I'm going to have to call it. Anyway, this was the first time anyone's ever done that to me. It was boring, frankly, but he enjoyed it. I stroked him some more, then we went back to tit fucking, and he came on my chest. Which was strangely arousing.

After that I cleaned off and we put our clothes back on and he drove me back to the parking garage, where we tried to figure out how I'd get home, and then I followed him to a street (I forgot which one) where he stopped, got out to say bye, and surprised me by grabbing me and kissing me and then giving me a hug. Which was more like a headlock because it was through the car window.

And I only got lost once! I stopped at a gas station and everyone was really nice and a guy even held the door for me! Which normally I think is sexist but I'm trying to not let that bother me anymore, because hey, it's a nice gesture, even if it is usually only because I'm female. Anyway, I took a few highways home, got off, but went the wrong direction. However, I knew where I was because it was the route I used to take to JD and DMark's, so I was able to turn around and get home with no problems. So I guess something good did come out of dating that dickhead.

Anyway, I got home at 3:00. I had a wonderful night. I am going to have to do that again some time.

3:13 a.m. - 2005-10-26

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Fucking cheating bastard.

I talked to NS tonight! I miss her so much. I felt like crying after I got off the phone with her. I don't know why I've been all emotional lately. Probably menstrual stuff. Anyway, it was great to talk to her again. Reminded me how awesome she is and how much I care about her.

So hey, in the middle of writing this, JD called me. I just got off the phone with him, it's after 3:00. He tried to give the phone to DMark so I could ask him a few questions about why he cheated on me, how long it went on, why he fucking lied to me, etc. DMark was like "Nope, nope, nope" every time JD tried to give him the phone. How fucking immature is that? I hate him and I think if he died, I wouldn't care. Karma is going to kick his ass so hard.

I actually kind of feel better, though. I got to hear him cowering in fear. That was kind of satisfying. I don't care if this sounds cruel that I'm enjoying this. He needs to be scared. I was so close to giving JD permission to beat him up, but that's wrong, I guess. I really don't care. I want him to hurt. It isn't right to lie and destroy a person's trust.

But you know what? JD's a really good friend. I remembered tonight how much I care about him. I'd say he and NS are my best friends, probably the best I've ever had. You'd think I'd be in a really bad mood after this, but I'm not at all. I'm glad to at least have friends like those two.

Anyway, I need to get to bed. I'm going to be paying for this tomorrow at work.

3:13 a.m. - 2005-10-23

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