This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fuck the beautiful people. Today at work Bill apparently saw this amazingly hot girl who applied for a job. She was only sixteen, so we can't hire her, so he got her number from her application and fucking CALLED HER to hit on her DURING HIS LUNCH BREAK. Bill is twenty-one, hitting on a sixteen year old girl and she fucking fell for it. He told her he didn't have a girlfriend, even though he's seeing this girl, just not officially. I'm pretty sure I hate all men. So MegC and Rav and I were all basically telling him he was scum, and MegC was like "You hit on me like a million times the first couple of weeks you worked here, and you know my boyfriend!" He was like, "I hit on everybody here!" Rav was like, "Yeah, you do." Only he did not fucking hit on me. Nobody fucking does. I know it's degrading, but for once I just want to be viewed as a pretty object. I don't want to hear that I'm "amazing, smart, funny, nice, considerate, etc." I want to be hot. I can't fucking STAND when girls complain about guys hitting on them. You know if guys didn't hit on them, they'd be just as pissed and hurt as me. I pretty much have no self esteem anymore. Any that I'd built up after graduation is gone after dating DMark and RF and having sex with DBeck, and having to work with all these normal, attractive girls doesn't help. It just sucks because I am never going to get a decent guy because of the way I look. I'm not saying, "Man it sucks that I'll never get a cute guy." I don't care about that. I mean, I want an attractive guy, but I would be a total hypocrite if I insisted on only dating cute guys. I'm saying, the only guys that want to date me are guys who want to take advantage of me because they think I'll have low self esteem, or guys that have no social skills whatsoever because society rejected them because they're ugly. I am so fucking lonely and I feel helpless because nobody wants me. Nobody notices the ugly girl in a crowd, unless she's doing something stupid to get everyone's attention. I don't know. I just feel like every relationship I ever have is going to be the same. A loser boyfriend who thinks he deserves better even though he really doesn't, and me feeling cheated because I had to settle once again. 8:12 p.m. - 2006-03-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Surveys are for attention whores WHAT WERE YOU DOING- 1 day AGO: Slacking off. No work! 1 YEAR AGO: Hating school, stressing out, being really immature and selfish. As opposed to now, when I am only moderately immature and selfish. I FEAR: Death, giant basement crickets, the dark, the apocalypse, abandonment. I HIDE: In my room pretty much all day and night. Sometimes I come out for food. I NEED: Food, water, shelter, air. I THINK: Man, I don't know. I hate that question, "What are you thinking about?" Fuck you! Last food consumed: Tortilla chips. Last drink drank: Some citris "energy drink" that somebody told me tasted like Surge, but it didn't taste like Surge at all. Man, remember that stuff. SUUUUUURRRGE!
I WANT: More CDs. I CRY: More often than I should. I'm a pussy. Also I think I am in love with the guy who filled this out before me. He typed "de vez en cuando (once in a while)" I AM NOT ALWAYS: Confident
NUMBER: 4 MONTH: All warmer months that aren't crazy humid. SEASON: Summer, spring, autumn. DRINK: Pepsi. IN THE LAST 2 DAYS, HAVE YOU... CRIED? Almost yesterday! 2:38 a.m. - 2006-03-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Is that so much to ask? I want an ideal boyfriend. For once. I want him to look like the kind of guy I'm attracted to, not someone I find mildly attractive so I settled. I want a skinny guy with long hair and a cute smile. I want him to not be racist, and not be a homophobe. Not even a little bit. And no bullshit. No lines, no telling me I'm beautiful all the time, or how amazing and fascinating I am. And okay, I know I've got a lot of issues. I'm nervous, cautious, and majorly uptight. And I guess it's a lot worse than I'd previously thought. And the trust thing too. But you know, I wouldn't have so many problems trusting people if they didn't lie all the time. I admit it. I am lonely. I know I say "Fuck dating, I don't need a boyfriend," and I guess I don't, but I want one. I want a nice guy who I can trust who will just hold me. I want to fall asleep in his bed and wake up next to him and just lie there like that for hours. That's what I miss most about being in a relationship, just being close to someone all the time, being held, leaning someone, resting my head on his chest, all those sorts of things. But everytime I find someone he ends up disappointing me in a major way. I want to date, but I don't want the lies, always breaking plans, cheating, and all the things DMark and RF did. Is it even possible for a guy to be totally faithful and honest? I seem to manage pretty easily. 1:25 a.m. - 2006-03-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Maybe something is wrong with me. I had sex with DBeck last night. I don't really know why. He's been with a whole lot of girls, so who knows if he's clean. We used protection, so I should be okay, but I will still be getting tested in the near future. The whole thing was a disaster. I was nervous and it hurt and he kept accidentally sliding out and I kept queefing and I'm pretty sure that grossed him out majorly. I couldn't get a good rhythm going to save my life. He got irritated when I wouldn't let him come inside me, so I let him tittyfuck me and he came on my shoulder and most of it got in my hair, some even on his pillow. He seemed mad that I left a wet spot on his bed. I kept apologizing about everything. And I left my fucking panties there. It was humiliating and I left wanting to cry. I should have never done that. I didn't even really want to. I mean, it was consensual, but I didn't want to at all. I wasn't that horny, and I was afraid of getting an STD, and well, afraid that it'd turn out exactly the way it did. He seemed very disappointed, and I tried not to let on that I was too, but it was pretty obvious. And it hit me last night that I've never really enjoyed sex. Like, with DMark I did sometimes, but he was small and it didn't hurt, and we only did really easy positions so I didn't get tired, and I didn't feel embarrassed. But I much rather enjoy masturbating than sex, and I'm starting to think I even prefer masturbation to fooling around with someone else. I mean, at least I can get myself off. Nobody else seems capable of doing so, so they always give up, and I end up just doing something for them and they get to climax and I don't. Anytime I've had sex, it was like, it didn't feel real, like it was a TV show or something, but not really happening to me. And I would be really horny the whole time leading up to it, and after a couple minutes of fucking it's like I couldn't feel anything except kind of a numb friction. I mean, that's to be expected after a long time, but not a few minutes, right? And I either wasn't thinking about anything at all and had this weird blank feeling (which I admit was nice sometimes, but sometimes just kind of empty) or I had a million other things on my mind and couldn't concentrate. For a little while last night, I wondered if maybe the reason I didn't enjoy sex was because I was a lesbian. But I'm not. I mean, if anything, I'm more attracted to guys than girls. But I don't seem to be very attracted to either lately. I don't know, it's just depressing. Sex was supposed to be this amazing, wonderful feeling, and it's like I don't feel anything, except this bitter disappointment and embarrassment afterwards. I know a lot of it is my fault because I'm so uptight and nervous. That's probably why I was all right with DMark sometimes, because I was fairly comfortable around him. I mean, there were times when I felt humiliated with him too, but I got over it (mostly) after a while. But after last night, I just don't even think I want to have sex anymore. It's work, not pleasure, and I get nothing out of it. I really do think I need to start taking some sort of anxiety medication and maybe go back to seeing a counselor, or therapist or something. A good one this time, not a fucking child psychologist who is going to talk down to me and treat me like I'm twelve. But I'll have to wait until I'm on my own, and then how would I be able to afford that? I don't know what to do, I really don't. 10:19 p.m. - 2006-02-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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