This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ugh I can't seem to get over this. Today MM told me about how LR stayed the night at her house and Scot came over and they all hung out and had such a great time. Now, LR's boyfriend broke up with her very very recently. I think this weekend. What the hell kind of relationship did they have if she's already going after another guy? It just really bothers me. It doesn't seem fair. Pretty girls don't have to work for a guy. Regular girls, we have to be charming and have things in common with the guy, and listen and say and do all the right things. Pretty girls just have to be pretty, and the guy is automatically interested. I guess I'm kind of becoming obsessed. I keep thinking about what I read on those plastic surgery sites the other night. The procedures I looked up, cheekbone reduction, jaw reduction so it won't be so square, nostril reduction, they're all common procedures for men who want to become women. For a female, I have a very masculine face. You can still tell I'm a girl, but it's harsh, not soft and feminine. When people from my town come up to my register and I tell them who my dad is, they always say, "I'm not surprised." Or "I can tell!" Neither of my sisters look like my dad, but I'm the spitting image. I would love to look like my mother. My mother was beautiful when she was my age. I can't stop thinking about this. I keep trying to tell myself this should not be important, but it is. Society doesn't value ugly people. Think about it. When an attractive stranger smiles and says hello to you, you think "How nice," but when an ugly person does it, you get creeped out and think they're some weirdo. That's called physiognamy, if I remember correctly. The belief that a person's personality is reflected by their outside appearance, that the worse someone looks on the outside, the worse a person they are on the inside. It goes way back to the middle ages, probably earlier, but pretty much everyone still secretly judges people like that today, at least during first impressions. I need to stop thinking about this stuff. 5:49 p.m. - 2006-03-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's so cold in Alaska Time to whine about not being pretty again. I know it shouldn't matter, and that I'm a good person and looks shouldn't be important. I know people should judge you for who you are, not what you look like. But that doesn't make me feel one damn bit better about all this. I am lonely, feeling hopeless, feeling like there's no point in even trying to find someone, no point in trying to look halfway decent, since there's always going to be some beautiful girl in my way, to catch the guy I want's attention. See, recently I went to see this band play with MM. The guitarist is really cute, and MM says he's single and a really good guy. I would have talked to him then, but I wasn't wearing any makeup and I hadn't showered in a couple of days, so my hair was all greasy. MM and Rob were both talking about how Scot and LR seemed to have a thing for each other, but I thought, no worries, LR's got a boyfriend. LR's boyfriend dumped her. One more pretty girl on the market, screwing up whatever chances I ever had. And it shouldn't even be a big deal. I didn't really even see myself talking to this guy. It's just fun to have a crush now and then. But now some pretty girl's got to come in and mess it all up. I don't even know why I care so much. Dating is a pain in the ass. I hate the suspicion and paranoia, and never knowing if I can trust the guy, and I hate having to be stuck with one guy and suddenly as soon as you're not available, that's when other guys come out of the woodwork and express an interest in you. But it still bothers me that I don't really have the option to date. I mean, I do, but I'd be settling. God, I obsess over this way too much. I just skimmed over a few websites about plastic surgery. I've always been pretty against that, and it made me want to cry just now because I guess I'm still against it, but I kind of want it. Cheekbone reduction, and jaw reduction. Probably a nosejob too. But I wouldn't look like me. The thing is, I want to be pretty, but I don't want a whole new face. I guess I don't mind the way I look, I just wish other people didn't mind either. This is all probably just me being moody because I'm on my period. I guess if the worst thing I have to worry about is being unattractive, I'm doing pretty well, right? 5:37 p.m. - 2006-03-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My feet have pins and needles. 1) Are your parents married or divorced? 2) Vegetarian? 3) Heaven? 4) Come close to dying? 5) What jewelry do you wear 24/7? 6) Are you eating? 7) Do you eat the stems of broccoli? 8) Makeup? 9) Were you the dumper or the dumpee in your past relationship? 10) Would you ever have plastic surgery? 11) What do you wear to bed? 12) Have you ever done anything illegal? 13) Can you roll your tongue? 14) Tweeze your eyebrows? 15) What kind of watch(es)? 16) Abortion? 17) Hair color? 18) Future child's name? 19) Do you snore? 20) If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? 21) Do you sleep with stuffed animals? 22) If you won the lottery, what would you do first? 23) Gold or silver? 24) Hamburger or hot dog? 25) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? 26.) City, beach, or country? 27) What was the last thing you touched? 28) Where do you eat dinner? 29) When's the last time you cried? 30) Do you read blogs? 31) Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? 32) Ever been involved with the police? 33) what's your favourite shampoo/conditioner and soap? 34) Do you talk in your sleep? 35) Ocean or pool? 36)What's your favorite song at the moment? 37) what's your favorite color? 38) Window seat or aisle? 39) Ever met any famous bands/singers? 40) Do you feel that you've ever had a truly successful relationship? 41) Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? 42) Rickie Lake or Oprah Winfrey? 43) Basketball or Football? 44) How long do your showers last? 45) Do you drive a stick? 46) Cake or ice cream? 47) Self-conscious? 49) Have you ever given money to a bum? 50) When was your first crush? 51) Where do you wish you were? 52) Have you ever broken someone's heart? 53) Have you ever rode in an ambulance? 54) Can you tango? 55) Last gift you received? 56) Last sport you played? 57). Things you spend a lot of money on? 58) Where do you live? 60) Last wedding attended? 61) Favorite fast food restaurant? 62) Where do you work? 63) Most hated food? 65) Can you sing? 66) Last IM? 67) what's your least fav. chore? 68) Favorite drink? 69) Current Crush? 6:36 p.m. - 2006-03-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Uuuugh. RF is dating some new girl. MLS showed me her Xanga, and her profile picture was her clinging onto RF. She looks young, maybe seventeen. She has no idea what kind of person he really is. How could she? On the surface he seems great. Then he starts telling lies, but you can't prove it, and if you try, it just makes you look crazy and paranoid. I know I'm paranoid. I don't trust anyone. A huge part of that is because of RF. I feel like I can't believe anything nice anyone has to say about me, especially if it's a guy. I worry that almost everyone, almost every single person I know, secretly hates me and thinks I'm annoying and pathetic, and the only reason they're nice to me is because they feel sorry for me, or because they want something frome me. I don't think I really fully believe anything anyone says to me. I mean, there are people I trust more than others, like my mom, JD, and probably KH and TW, but I don't completely trust anybody. I just want somebody to tell me they care about me, that I'm beautiful and just a really cool person, and I want to be able to believe it. I can't believe it, though. You never know who's going to end up stabbing you in the back. I guess that's why they call it trust. I guess I'm far from over this whole RF thing. I'm pretty sure it's always going to hurt, I just didn't think it still would this much. I didn't know I still had all these bad feelings leftover until tonight. God, and you know the worst part? For some reason it actually matters to me what he thinks about me. Like, I keep thinking he's telling this new girl about his crazy, paranoid ex, and that bothers me so much, and I don't understand why I can't just be like, fuck it. I mean, he's the one who lied and cheated. Even if Katie was lying and he didn't cheat, he still lied to me about where he was, and lied about calling me. He is a bad person. So why does it matter what he thinks about me, or what some girl I haven't even met thinks about me, or the people he works with, or his parents, or anyone else he associates with? I wish I had someone to talk to about this. I'm waiting for Patch to sign on, but so far he's still away. I just want someone to tell me everything's okay, to tell me I'm okay, and RF is a bastard who doesn't know what he's missing. Even if I don't believe it, it would still be nice to hear. 8:28 p.m. - 2006-03-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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