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Stage fright

CR called me today to see if I wanted to come over and work on a song with him. I guess he wanted to work on some lyrics and hear me sing. I panicked and said I couldn't sing. Especially since he wanted me to do it at his friends' house. I don't know his friends, and it's hard enough for me to sing in front of someone I know.

I don't understand why I can't do this. I have a good voice. I know I do. I got a 1 at regionals and a 1 at state on my vocal solo when I was fifteen. But when I tell people I want to sing in a band, and they say "Sing something for me!" I can't. I freeze up and I'm like "Noooo. No way am I singing for you right now." I think it has something to do with attention. I've always hated drawing a lot of attention to myself.

I still hung out with him though. It was kind of weird at first. It was at his friends' house and his friends are 14 and 16, and CR is 17. So I was the oldest one there. I felt like kind of a loser hanging out with a bunch of kids, and it was really awkward because nobody was talking. But then we went into their little attic hangout place above the garage and things loosened up. Probably because the guys were smoking pot. I wanted to smoke because I haven't done so since August in Arizona, but I can't risk getting caught by my parents. This is why i really need to get my own place.

Anyway. I need to get over this. Seriously. I want to sing. I'm going to try and hang out with him again some time when there aren't other people around and see if we can work something out.

11:26 p.m. - 2006-04-18

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Uuuuugh.

PF has a girlfriend now, apparently. So much for that crush. Now I'll have to find some other guy to obsess over and secretly stalk on the internet, and never say more than a couple of words to out loud.


I hit two deer on Sunday the ninth. I saw a doe run across the road from the left side, and I slowed down a little but I didn't see the other two waiting to cross until it was too late. I slammed on my brakes but I was going about 40 so I couldn't stop fast enough. I think I hit the first one with the right front corner of my car, and it flipped over the roof. I was really lucky it didn't crash through my windshield. I don't know exactly how I hit the second one. There's a huge dent on the left side of my car, including the frontmost part of my door, so I'm thinking it either ran into the side of my car, or I hit it and it sort of flung backward and ran into the side.


I saw that one lying in the road and it looked straight into my eyes and made this horrible sound that I couldn't get out of my head all night. It's the worst thing I've ever heard, it was just this wild, animal cry of pure pain and shock. I didn't know what to do so I drove home, it was only like five minutes away, and I was going to call the police from there because I couldn't find my cell phone in my car. I was sobbing and hyperventilating the whole way home and a cop pulled me over right as I parked in front of my house because my headlight was out. Of course my headlight is out, I hit two fucking deer.


To make matters worse, while the police were talking to me and my parents (and I was still crying)they got a call that someone had hit a deer, one of the same ones I'd hit. So I caused an accident by leaving the scene.


I feel so guilty about it, I was so upset I cried for about an hour and a half. And that night I had dreams, one dream that I had hit a person in stead of a deer, but I didn't see the accident in the dream, I was just talking about it later. And another dream that I was driving and it was really late at night, and I made sure to turn my brights on so I'd see any deer. There were a whole bunch standing beside the road and a couple walked into the street and then just kind of stood around, and I couldn't get around them. And suddenly I was in my room, and my car turned into my bed, and there were deer standing and lying down in my room, just hanging out like it was where they lived, and they were all looking at me and I was afraid to get off my bed because I didn't want one to attack me, but I had to get out of my room.


So now my car's pretty banged up. The driver's side door creaks when I open and close it because it's dented. Both my headlights are smashed but the left one (I think) still works. I thought it was okay to drive as long as I didn't drive at night, but today after work it was shaking really bad and I thought I smelled something burning, so I pulled off the highway for a few minutes, then took the long way through a town to get home.


We've been looking for cars, but so far all I've found within my price range is a little black Hyundai for $5400. It's a good car and runs well, but it's small so if I got into an accident, it would be totalled and I would probably get killed. My store manager at work said he'd sell me his '86 Buick for $4000 and that would be a tougher car than the Hyundai, but that's three years older than my car, and the whole reason I'm looking for a new one is because mine's too old to keep up anymore. I mean, it'd only be about $1000 to repair all the damages, but it's time for my car to retire. So why would I want to get one that's even older?


Anyway, on to happier news. Today (Yesterday now, I guess, since it's past midnight) was my nineteenth birthday. It started out shitty because my sister woke me up twenty minutes early because she was screaming, and then my CD player kept skipping on the way to work, so I was just pissy.


But TW gave me some handmade earrings! And they got me a cake and two different kinds of cookies in the break room, and also during my lunch break the vending machine guy and I had a nice chat and he gave me free Cheez-Its. Tonight my mom, dad, sister, grandma and I went out to eat, and we left the bitchy sister at home because frankly, I do not want to look at her, I don't want to hear her voice, I don't want to smell her hair product fumes. And we all had a pretty good time! I designed my own pasta (It was an Italian restaurant) and it was delicious, and they gave me a free piece of cake and it was more delicious.


Tonight I would like some physical attention. I want to cuddle and there is no one here to do that with. Jerks.


This is a long entry.

12:43 a.m. - 2006-04-13

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I fill out too many of these.

1. What is your middle name?
That's a secret.

2. How big is your bed?
Double.

3. What are you listening to right now?
The computer humming.

4. What are the last 4 digits in your cellphone number?
NO.

5. What was the last thing you ate?
Cheez-its.

6. Last person you hugged?
My sister. The good one, not the evil bitch.

7. How is the weather right now?
I don't know.

8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
JD.

9. first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Face and hair.

10. Favorite type of Food?
Italian and Mexican.

11. Do you want children?
Probably not.

12. Do you get high?
Not since August in Arizona.

13. Ever get so drunk you don't remember the entire night?
Never been drunk.

14. Hair color?
Dark blonde.

15. Eye color?
Blue.

16. Do you wear eye contacts?
Used to, but they started to hurt my eyes really bad and I just gave up. I'm going to try and find some good ones so I don't have to be all ugly in glasses anymore.

17. Favorite holiday?
Not really into holidays. I guess Christmas is all right.

18. Favorite Season?
Anything but winter.

19. Have you ever cried over a girl/boy?
Gee, that narrows it down, does't it? Yes, both.

20. Last Movie you Watched?
I can't remember.

21. What is the color of your computer desk?
White.

22. Chunky or creamy peanut butter?
Creamy.

23. how do you like your steak?
I don't eat dead cows.

24. what is the most you would do for a dare with out getting any type of reward...just do it because you were dared to?
I don't really do dares. I'm pretty much a giant vagina when it comes to that kind of thing.

25. what is one thing you wish you had that you dont right now?
My own place.

26. do you deal with surveys because you are bored or do you really love em?
I like talking about myself. I never read others' answers, I only fill them out to talk about myself. It's pretty selfish, but really, who actually reads other people's survey answers?

27. what kind of design do you have on your checks?
I don't have checks.

28. who can make you laugh no matter what?
JD and Patch.

29. What books are you reading?
Eaters of the Dead by Michael Crichton. We watched the movie in English last year so I decided to read the book when I saw Devin was reading it in the break room.

30. Piercings?
Earlobes, each pierced once.

31. Favorite Movie(s)?
I don't know.

32. Favorite college football Team?
FFFFFUCK football. And college.

33. What were you doing before filling this out?
Watching silly Numa Numa videos. I suck.

34. Any pets?
My ironically named cat Angel.

35. AIM?
I am not revealing my screen name.

36. Dogs or cats?
Cats.

37. Do you have a favorite pair of socks?
The ones that say "Get well soon."

38. Favorite Flower?
I don't know.

39. whats your favorite way to have potatoes?
In soup form.

40. Have you ever loved someone?
Not romantically.

41. Who would you like to see right now?
I don't know. NS maybe.

42. make up a word?
No.

43. Have you ever fired a gun?
No.

44. Do you like to travel by plane?
Noooo I do not.

45. Right-handed or Left-handed?
Righty.

46. If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
My own place.

47. Are you missing someone?
Yes. NS.

48. Do you want to get married?
Not really. I suppose I would for benefits.

49. Do you have a tattoo?
No.

50. Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings?
Not on Saturday mornings. I sleep on Saturday mornings.

51. Are you hiding something from someone?
Lots of things.

52. are you 18?
Yes, almost 19.

53. what is the wallpaper on your cell phone?
Meatwad.

54. did you get enough sleep last night?
Ten, no work today, haha.

55. first thing you thought about this morning?
I hate this question so fucking much.

56. what do you have handy at your bedside?
Cell phone, random shit that I never clear off my bed, clothes in case there is a tornado or fire or something because I usually sleep naked.

57. grilled or fried?
I hate this question too. It's incomplete. What is grilled or fried? I don't know. Your guess is as good as mine.

58. do you believe in the supernatural?
Ghosts and stuff, yeah.

59. what makes you unique?
Nobody is unique.

60. are you afraid of the dark?
Terrified.

61. favorite hangout?
At a show or a friend's house.

62. 3 things you can't live without?
Food, air, water.

63. first thing you will buy if given 1 thousand dollars?
Rent an apartment, save the rest for future rent payments.

64. favorite song?
Today it's Lose in Two by Wave on the Barrage.

65. what are you afraid of?
The dark, ghosts, death, the apocalypse, rejection, public speaking and singing (though I'm working on the singing!), giant crickets in my basement (I seriously had a nightmare about my mutant basement crickets last night. They had somehow gotten upstairs and were in my room and my cat ate the biggest one and it was disgusting).

66. are you a giver or a taker?
Yes.

67. what are your nick names?
None.

68. what is your dad's middle name? None of your damn business.

69. what is your mom's middle name?
Seriously.

70. stuck on a deserted island and could bring one thing?
Can I bring my cat?

71. favorite tv commercial?
I don't know.

72. who's your cell phone provider?
None of your business.

73. first t, then I go back for my heirloom axe, then if I have time my japanese weaponry
...What?

74. Favorite color?
Green.

75. Birthday?
April 12. That is ONE WEEK AWAY people.

76. what did you wanna be when you were a kid?
A princess, a ballerina, a writer, an artist, a singer.

77. what do you usually do when the clock turns 11:11?
Haha. I used to have this thing where, anytime I'd look at the clock and it'd have all the same numbers, like 11:11 or 2:22, I would eat something because I am crazy.

78. the color of you bed sheets?
Green.

79. who do you want to meet?
I don't know.

80. what do you think about before you go to bed?
Lots of things. When I'm drifting off to sleep, my brain goes all over the place.

In other news, MLS is a bitch. A twelve year old should not be able to reduce me to tears, but she does it pretty well. She told me I'm never going anywhere in life because I'm a cashier. What the fuck? That didn't hurt, just pissed me off. What hurts is that she is always trying to find some way to hurt my feelings or make me mad. It's the intent behind it that hurts, not what she actually says.

I don't care if I'm a cashier for the rest of my life. It's a job. I am making money. I love my job, and I am glad to work with the people I work with. The customers are usually nice and don't cause much trouble. I don't want to be a doctor or a lawyer, I just want to make enough money to live comfortably and focus on being happy, not making money.

That's the problem with society these days, everyone is so focused on making money and impressing everybody with fancy titles and big houses and expensive cars. Yes, this is my husband, he's a doctor, I'm an accountant, we live in a huge house in the suburbs with our children and golden retriever.

Like I said, I want to focus on being happy, doing what's best for me, not what other people think is the best plan for financial success.

1:00 a.m. - 2006-04-05

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If people at work knew what I did at home...

They'd think I was pretty weird and really creepy. Hahaha. I'm pretty much borderline stalking PF. I found his site for his music. It closely resembles emo. I don't really like what I've heard so far, but I've only listened to about half of it.

I seriously have the hugest crush on this guy. He works like one night a week, and I work during the day, but if I'm lucky enough to be working until five, I see him when he comes in and when I leave. I used to ignore him, or maybe smile at him and keep walking. Now I say hi or "See you later" and I feel proud of myself, even though sometimes afterwards I get all shaky.

I don't know what the hell was going on with my head last night. Period-related hormones, I assume. I seriously felt so hopeless and unhappy and I hadn't felt like that in a very, very long time. I couldn't stop crying, and that hasn't happened in an even longer time. Today I'm fine. It's bizarre.

I want really badly to be in a band. CR was supposed to contact me and we were going to talk about his side project, but he never called me. Eh, I probably wouldn't have liked the music they played anyway. I mean, he's a good guitarist, and I like some of the stuff his band plays (minus LR's god-awful singing) but it's not really my style. So it's probably best to just try and find another band that needs a singer, that fits my tastes a little better.

I am having a million doubts though, but really, that's nothing new. I mean, I have a decent voice but it's not very stong. With practice, I think it could be, so that's not the main issue. Mostly, I'm worried about lyrics. The singer is expected to write pretty much all the songs. I can't write lyrics. I haven't experienced anything other than teenage shit. I don't know anything about politics or world affairs or anything like that, so that's out of the question. The only thing I'd have to write about is ex boyfriends and family drama. And I do not want to write emo songs.

Still though, I really want to be in a band. I hear all this amazing music by my favorite bands and think how I want to do something like that, only maybe a little different, and I watch bands perform with this sense of amazement, and I want to have that effect on people. I want people to hear me and think wow, I didn't know she could sing.

I've pretty much forgotten what I was originally going to write about.

9:36 p.m. - 2006-03-30

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