This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stage fright CR called me today to see if I wanted to come over and work on a song with him. I guess he wanted to work on some lyrics and hear me sing. I panicked and said I couldn't sing. Especially since he wanted me to do it at his friends' house. I don't know his friends, and it's hard enough for me to sing in front of someone I know. I don't understand why I can't do this. I have a good voice. I know I do. I got a 1 at regionals and a 1 at state on my vocal solo when I was fifteen. But when I tell people I want to sing in a band, and they say "Sing something for me!" I can't. I freeze up and I'm like "Noooo. No way am I singing for you right now." I think it has something to do with attention. I've always hated drawing a lot of attention to myself. I still hung out with him though. It was kind of weird at first. It was at his friends' house and his friends are 14 and 16, and CR is 17. So I was the oldest one there. I felt like kind of a loser hanging out with a bunch of kids, and it was really awkward because nobody was talking. But then we went into their little attic hangout place above the garage and things loosened up. Probably because the guys were smoking pot. I wanted to smoke because I haven't done so since August in Arizona, but I can't risk getting caught by my parents. This is why i really need to get my own place. Anyway. I need to get over this. Seriously. I want to sing. I'm going to try and hang out with him again some time when there aren't other people around and see if we can work something out. 11:26 p.m. - 2006-04-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Uuuuugh. PF has a girlfriend now, apparently. So much for that crush. Now I'll have to find some other guy to obsess over and secretly stalk on the internet, and never say more than a couple of words to out loud.
12:43 a.m. - 2006-04-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I fill out too many of these. 1. What is your middle name? 2. How big is your bed? 3. What are you listening to right now? 4. What are the last 4 digits in your cellphone number? 5. What was the last thing you ate? 6. Last person you hugged? 7. How is the weather right now? 8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? 9. first thing you notice about the opposite sex? 10. Favorite type of Food? 11. Do you want children? 12. Do you get high? 13. Ever get so drunk you don't remember the entire night? 14. Hair color? 15. Eye color? 16. Do you wear eye contacts? 17. Favorite holiday? 18. Favorite Season? 19. Have you ever cried over a girl/boy? 20. Last Movie you Watched? 21. What is the color of your computer desk? 22. Chunky or creamy peanut butter? 23. how do you like your steak? 24. what is the most you would do for a dare with out getting any type of reward...just do it because you were dared to? 25. what is one thing you wish you had that you dont right now? 26. do you deal with surveys because you are bored or do you really love em? 27. what kind of design do you have on your checks? 28. who can make you laugh no matter what? 29. What books are you reading? 30. Piercings? 31. Favorite Movie(s)? 32. Favorite college football Team? 33. What were you doing before filling this out? 34. Any pets? 35. AIM? 36. Dogs or cats? 37. Do you have a favorite pair of socks? 38. Favorite Flower? 39. whats your favorite way to have potatoes? 40. Have you ever loved someone? 41. Who would you like to see right now? 42. make up a word? 43. Have you ever fired a gun? 44. Do you like to travel by plane? 45. Right-handed or Left-handed? 46. If you could go to any place right now where would you go? 47. Are you missing someone? 48. Do you want to get married? 49. Do you have a tattoo? 50. Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings? 51. Are you hiding something from someone? 52. are you 18? 53. what is the wallpaper on your cell phone? 54. did you get enough sleep last night? 55. first thing you thought about this morning? 56. what do you have handy at your bedside? 57. grilled or fried? 58. do you believe in the supernatural? 59. what makes you unique? 60. are you afraid of the dark? 61. favorite hangout? 62. 3 things you can't live without? 63. first thing you will buy if given 1 thousand dollars? 64. favorite song? 65. what are you afraid of? 66. are you a giver or a taker? 67. what are your nick names? 68. what is your dad's middle name? None of your damn business. 69. what is your mom's middle name? 70. stuck on a deserted island and could bring one thing? 71. favorite tv commercial? 72. who's your cell phone provider? 73. first t, then I go back for my heirloom axe, then if I have time my japanese weaponry 74. Favorite color? 75. Birthday? 76. what did you wanna be when you were a kid? 77. what do you usually do when the clock turns 11:11? 78. the color of you bed sheets? 79. who do you want to meet? 80. what do you think about before you go to bed? In other news, MLS is a bitch. A twelve year old should not be able to reduce me to tears, but she does it pretty well. She told me I'm never going anywhere in life because I'm a cashier. What the fuck? That didn't hurt, just pissed me off. What hurts is that she is always trying to find some way to hurt my feelings or make me mad. It's the intent behind it that hurts, not what she actually says. I don't care if I'm a cashier for the rest of my life. It's a job. I am making money. I love my job, and I am glad to work with the people I work with. The customers are usually nice and don't cause much trouble. I don't want to be a doctor or a lawyer, I just want to make enough money to live comfortably and focus on being happy, not making money. That's the problem with society these days, everyone is so focused on making money and impressing everybody with fancy titles and big houses and expensive cars. Yes, this is my husband, he's a doctor, I'm an accountant, we live in a huge house in the suburbs with our children and golden retriever. Like I said, I want to focus on being happy, doing what's best for me, not what other people think is the best plan for financial success. 1:00 a.m. - 2006-04-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If people at work knew what I did at home... They'd think I was pretty weird and really creepy. Hahaha. I'm pretty much borderline stalking PF. I found his site for his music. It closely resembles emo. I don't really like what I've heard so far, but I've only listened to about half of it. I seriously have the hugest crush on this guy. He works like one night a week, and I work during the day, but if I'm lucky enough to be working until five, I see him when he comes in and when I leave. I used to ignore him, or maybe smile at him and keep walking. Now I say hi or "See you later" and I feel proud of myself, even though sometimes afterwards I get all shaky. I don't know what the hell was going on with my head last night. Period-related hormones, I assume. I seriously felt so hopeless and unhappy and I hadn't felt like that in a very, very long time. I couldn't stop crying, and that hasn't happened in an even longer time. Today I'm fine. It's bizarre. I want really badly to be in a band. CR was supposed to contact me and we were going to talk about his side project, but he never called me. Eh, I probably wouldn't have liked the music they played anyway. I mean, he's a good guitarist, and I like some of the stuff his band plays (minus LR's god-awful singing) but it's not really my style. So it's probably best to just try and find another band that needs a singer, that fits my tastes a little better. I am having a million doubts though, but really, that's nothing new. I mean, I have a decent voice but it's not very stong. With practice, I think it could be, so that's not the main issue. Mostly, I'm worried about lyrics. The singer is expected to write pretty much all the songs. I can't write lyrics. I haven't experienced anything other than teenage shit. I don't know anything about politics or world affairs or anything like that, so that's out of the question. The only thing I'd have to write about is ex boyfriends and family drama. And I do not want to write emo songs. Still though, I really want to be in a band. I hear all this amazing music by my favorite bands and think how I want to do something like that, only maybe a little different, and I watch bands perform with this sense of amazement, and I want to have that effect on people. I want people to hear me and think wow, I didn't know she could sing. I've pretty much forgotten what I was originally going to write about. 9:36 p.m. - 2006-03-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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