This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My lips are always chapped no matter what. My boobs hurt. I am supposed to start my period in four days, and I am all moody. I hate PMS week more than I hate actually being on my period. It seems to be the only time I feel really depressed and hopeless for more than a day at a time. Mostly though, I just get really bitchy. But yeah, the other night I went to a show with MM and Rob and KH, and of course LR showed up because that one band was playing and she had to hang all over the guitarist. I am not even interested in him at all, I mean I don't even known him, but it bothers me so much to see pretty girls with their cute boyfriends, being all lovey dovey. It just reminds me that I'm single and unattractive. And I've been told some things about LR, how she made this guy cheat on a really sweet girl. She went over to his house and just stripped down, so of course he fucked her. What guy wouldn't if a hot girl came over and got naked? But yeah, what the fuck? Who does that? See, that's what bugs me about girls like her. She knows she's pretty and uses it to manipulate guys and get whatever she wants. It doesn't matter if she's the biggest bitch in the world (which I wouldn't go so far as to say that about her, because I've met some pretty bitchy people), guys will still do whatever she tells them to, because she's hot. Meanwhile, some guy who is going to paint our house thought I was fourteen years old. True story. Ugh. 12:37 a.m. - 2006-05-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I guess I have a crush? There's a new girl at work. She started a week or two ago. We were talking today and she reminds me a lot of me. She rambles like I do, and then just like me she realizes she's doing it and apologizes, then keeps rambling anyway. I told her I thought she was really cool, and I liked how she was real, unlike some of the other girls we work with. We got to talking about how girls feel pressure to be pleasant, and she said she hated how most girls don't speak in their natural voice. I was like, "Oh my god, you are my double." I've never heard anyone else say that about girls' voices but me. I know it can't go anywhere, I'm almost completely sure she's straight. She has a baby girl, so that means she's had sex with a guy. I guess there's always the possibility that she's bi, but come on, that's not very likely. Plus, today she told me that next week's her last week and she's moving to Missouri. It sucks because even though I wouldn't be able to date her, we could have become really good friends. The only time I'll probably see her is Saturday, when we both work, and I don't know if I'll ask her for her e-mail address or phone number or anything. It seems a shame to just completely forget about someone I get along with so well. I'd like to keep in touch. It's weird, though. I haven't had a crush on a girl in a long time. I was beginning to wonder if maybe I wasn't bi after all. I mean, I'm sexually attracted to women, but almost never romantically. I guess I just don't see myself dating most of them. 1:51 a.m. - 2006-05-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Life pretty much sucks right now. Adulthood is catching up with me. I just bought a car yesterday. Altogether it's costing me over $12,000. This was a stupid decision. I should have kept looking for a cheaper car. I need to move out of here, and I'm worried I'll never be able to do that, or if I do, I won't be able to pay rent. I make about $730 a month right now, take out $250 for car payments, at least $300 for rent and utilities, and that's if I get really lucky, and then insurance, there's no way I can afford that at all. I feel trapped here. Tonight my sister was freaking out because I wasn't going to let her have the cat sleep in her room. I love my cat, and my sister abuses her. My mom had told her that if she changed the litter box, she could have the cat in there, but I took her out of her room because I didn't want my sister to have her. She had just gotten done talking about how she hates the cat and wants her to die. That doesn't sound like a little girl who wants a cat to sleep in her room, now does it? So my sister was like "Fine, if I can't have the cat, give me my phone back." And she did. Long story short, I ended up hitting my sister pretty hard, my mom hit me pretty weakly about fifteen times, and I am not exaggerating. She hasn't hit me since I was like seven and she used to spank me. She should be hitting my sister, not me. She never even punishes her. She only gave her phone back so she would stop throwing a fit. I've lost all respect for her. She is not a good mother. She never disciplines her children, and that's why we're all so fucked up and irresponsible. Yeah, part of it's our faults, but come on, if you don't punish your child for being a bitch, she's going to keep on being a bitch and getting whatever she wants. I need to get out of here and now that I bought that fucking car, I can't. Hopefully next month or whenever I get that promotion, I'll start making some decent money. I'm going to be full time so that will help. I am going to try to get out of this fucking place as fast as I can. 10:42 p.m. - 2006-05-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thinking about stuff I've been thinking about the usual stuff I whine about, only more often lately. Mostly confidence. Not just with singing. Singing in public is the least of my problems. I'm most worried about day to day social interactions. I feel like everything I say was stupid, and people are secretly laughing at me, thinking wow, that was lame. I've been told that my closest friend at work (who is by no means a close friend, but she's the easiest for me to talk to) has said something along the lines of "ANS says some of the most awkward things. It's so funny the stuff she comes up with." She probably meant it in an endearing way, but it still gets to me because I thought she of all people would be the most tolerant of my weirdness. People always say, "Just be yourself, act natural and be confident and people will like you." That's a load of bullshit. Normal people who everyone likes, people like CH and Rach, they all seem so similar. Pleasant, nice people, very easy to like because they always say the right thing. They must have so many things they want to say but don't because it's not socially acceptable. I've tried to be like that. Normal and pleasant and all that, and not saying weird shit all the time. When I first started work, I swore I wasn't going to be all annoying and weird like I was in high school, that I had a clean slate and I could get people to accept me, but I still feel like kind of an outcast at work. Rach just started like last month, and she's already hanging out with MM. It took six months before I started hanging out with her. I don't know, I still find myself shocked when people show an interest in hanging out with me. Like today, MM said we need to hang out next weekend, and I wasn't sure if she was talking to me or someone else at first. I had to look around and make sure. I want to hang out with her more often because I think she's really cool, same with a lot of people actually, but I don't want to invite them to do anything because I don't want to seem clingy. I guess that's a pretty big problem with me. I'm so afraid of coming off as clingy, I pretty much avoid my friends. I don't like to call people for fear that they'll be in the middle of something and think, damn it ANS needs to leave me alone and get a life. This is why I'm no longer friends with MS, NS, and DBeck. And AH too, except part of that was me asking her for rides all the time. I think it's time to stop thinking and start knitting. 11:59 p.m. - 2006-04-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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