This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page.

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I want to get high.

Yeah. I haven't smoked since August. That's getting close to a year ago now. I think it's about time.

I guess most of the people I work with smoke, or even do other stuff, like acid and shrooms. Even one of the managers openly talks about her drug usage at work. So I'd be able to find out where to get some, and I'd have several people to choose from to smoke with. But I don't know if I'm comfortable enough around the people I work with, and plus there's still the fear of my parents catching me.

I just need to try and relax, and have fun, maybe open my mind up a little bit. I'm too uptight, and I'm the first to admit it.

On a (partially) unrelated note, I forgot how much I like Zeppelin. Misty Mountain Hop, now that is a good song.



I'm not satisfied with my relationships lately. I haven't been hanging out with anybody. Last time I did anything was over a week ago, with KH, and I've barely talked to JD at all. I want to start hanging out with people from work. But I'm not really like the people I work with. Most of them go out drinking and partying and stuff. They've always got some crazy story to tell about the previous night.



I'm pretty sure I've got a crush on DW now. Which is ridiculous because probably the only reason I'm interested is because he is a guy and he's nice to me and I'm pretty sure he's not gay? I don't know much about him, except he likes to read, he's into pot and acid and the Flaming Lips, and he seems like a pretty decent guy. But I get nervous when I talk to him sometimes, or I get excited when I find out we're working the same shift or when he eats lunch the same time as me. I don't know if I actually like him or if I just want him to like me, which is sick, but it's nothing I haven't been through before. Sometimes I just like to be reassured that guys find me attractive and interesting. See, this is what gives women such a bad name: our desire for attention. We want guys to like us, even if we don't like them back. It's sick and it's cruel and it's completely misleading but it fuels us.

12:38 a.m. - 2006-06-19

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Things I want to do.

I want to do a lot of things. Like, I want to go to a dietician to help me set up a better plan for healthy foods that are vegetarian. So maybe I can eat things and still get the right nutrients, and not be hungry all the time.

I want to take voice lessons so I can get the confidence to sing in a band, and just improve the overall quality of my singing voice. I know I have a lot of room for improvement.

I want to go back on birth control.

I want to move out of my parents' house.

I want to go to a psychologist so I can work out all these problems I have with confidence. And to get help with stopping picking at my acne and making it worse.

I also want to go to a dermatologist, so that I won't have any acne to pick at.

I want to take bass and maybe even guitar lessons.

I want to get contacts that don't hurt my eyes so I can maybe attempt to be pretty.

I certainly have the free time to do at least a few of these things. The problem is money. I'm not totally broke or anything, I just don't have the money for all this stuff. It sucks that you have to pay money to improve yourself.

I mean, there are some things I could do for free. If I really wanted to, I could get bass lessons from my dad, or even from JD, thought I don't know how good he is on bass. I could look up healthy vegetarian foods on the internet, but I'm afraid I'd be doing something wrong and totally screw up my health. I could just try some acne products, but nothing I've tried so far has worked very well.

I suppose I could even dig deep down inside and find some happy place and learn how to be confident, but really, I don't see it happening without someone to talk to about all this stuff. And I just don't trust anyone enough. I mean, I'm sure I could talk to JD about most of the things I'm having problems with, but I'm not comfortable whining to people like that. Nobody likes having a downer friend.

I don't know. One of these days, if I win the lottery or something, I'm going to do all this stuff.

1:48 a.m. - 2006-06-16

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Ridiculously long survey

Ultimate Survey (377 questions long)


time started: 10:37 pm.
full name: ANS.
nickname(s): None.
birthday: April 12.
where were you born: In a hospital.
zodiac sign: Aries.
height: That's a secret.
weight: Secret.
hair color: Secret.
eye color: Secret.
shoe size: Ranges from children's 4 to women's 7. Usually 6, though.
ring size: I don't know. I've never had my finger properly sized.
skin type (freckles, tan, albino, etc.): Secret.
blood type: Can't remember. I should probably find that out.
grade: I graduated high school already.
GPA: Not very high, I can't remember.
siblings: Two younger sisters.
tattoos: None.
piercings: Earlobes.
hobbies: Loom and sometimes needle knitting, singing.

--Favorites--

color: Green, turquoise, pink.
food: Vegetarian, Italian.
candy: I like too much candy to decide.
type of cheese: ARay's was "emmentaler." What the fuck is that? I don't know, Swiss or cheddar, or that spicy cheese my mom buys?
pizza topping: Red onions, green and red peppers, tomatoes.
salad dressing: Italian, and whatever they put on Olive Garden salads. I hate that restaurant, but love their dressing.
sandwich: Jimmy John's veggie sandwich. Avocados are delicious.
cereal: GOLDEN GRAHMS.
fruit: Kumquats.
vegetable: Avocados. Those are vegetables, right?
berry: Strawberries.
cake: Marble.
book: I don't read a lot of books.
movie: I don't watch a lot of movies.
magazine: I don't read a lot of magazines.
newspaper: I pretty much never read newspapers, unless there's one sitting on the table and one of the headlines catches my attention.
tv show: I don't know.
website: I don't know.
radio station: I rarely listen to the radio.
font: Who cares?
cartoon character: Every character on Rocko's Modern Life, Daria, Frylock, Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Dexter, Spinelli, Spongebob, Harvey Birdman, Space Ghost, Zorak, Dad from the Brak Show... I could go on. I love cartoons.
artist (painter): I don't know much about art.
actor: I don't care about actors.
actress: See above.
cd: Too many to choose from.
song: Again, too many to choose from.
music group: NIRVANA.
music type: Grunge, shoegaze, classic punk, classic rock, alternative.
day of the week: Whatever day I don't have to work.
month: Don't have a favorite.
season: Spring, summer, fall. Mostly summer.
holiday: Used to be Halloween, but the last several years have been very depressing. In high school my friends were too cool to celebrate it, and now I'm too old to get away with it.
shampoo: Whatever's in the shower that doesn't have moisturizing stuff in it. Moisturizing shampoo just makes my hair oily.
conditioner: Makes my hair oily, so I don't use it. Sometimes I use shampoo/conditioner when I'm feeling adventurous and daring.
number: Four. It's funnier than the other numbers.
phrase: "Wooooo." "Fuck you!"
store: What kind of store? Kohl's for clothing, Michaels for crafts, CD Warehouse for CDs.
weather: Dry heat.
restaurant: Don't have one.
channel: Comedy Central, Cartoon Network, Nickelodeon.
teacher: Miss W in fifth grade, my middle school choir teacher (she's the one who got me really into singing), my high school HTMLS/webpage design teacher, my high school fashion and design teacher, and my high school art teacher.
weekend activity: Sleeping.
hangout: Locked in my room, at a show, or at friends' houses.
house color: Hahaha. A really really ugly color right now.
sport to watch: I hate sports.
sport to play: I SAID I HATE SPORTS.
animal: Hahaha, ARay said, "your mother." For me it's cats and giraffes. Giraffes for personal reasons.
flower: I don't know.
guy's name: Don't know.
girl's name: Don't know.
board game: Candy Land.
party game: If I'd been to a party, I'd be able to tell you.
story from childhood: I don't know. I have a lot of stories from my childhood.
body part: Does the face count?

---Have you ever..?---

been on a train: Yes.
been on a plane: Yes.
been in a car accident: Yes, I hit two deer recently.
caused a car accident: See above.
run into a wall: I run into door frames all the time.
burned a potato chip: What?
almost burned the house down: No.
smoked: Not cigarettes.
been drunk: No.
been high: Yes.
broken the law: Yes, not severely though.
burned a cd (if yes, the one above is yes): A few.
kissed someone of the opposite sex: Yes.
kissed someone of the same sex: Yes.
frenched an animal: Ew, no.
made out: Yes.
had cyber sex: Haha yes.
gotten engaged: When I was in kindergarten I actually married a fourth grader on the bus, but he didn't know it. My friend Laura gave me a paper fan as a wedding present.
been rejected by a crush: I've never had the courage to tell crushes I liked them. I pretty much got indirectly rejected anyway, as most of them were obviously not interested in me.
loved: Not romantically.
made yourself cry to get out of trouble: If I did cry and it got me out of trouble, it was honest crying! I cry super easily when I get in trouble.
cried in public: Many times. Like I said, I cry easily.
cried over a movie: Once or twice. Probably PMS.
fallen asleep in a movie theater: Movies are too loud, I'd never be able to fall asleep.
given someone a bath: My sisters when they were babies.
been to a boarding school: No.
been home-schooled: No.
bungee jumped: Noooo.
skied: Once on the sixth grade ski trip. Then I slammed my finger in my locker at the ski place and declared my hatred for skiing.
met the president: No.
met a celebrity: I've met a weatherman before!
gotten a cavity: Several.
shopped at abercrombie & fitch: Been dragged in there, but never shopped.
made a prank call: I've witnessed them, does that count?
skipped school: Not without faking sick first.
faked sick to get out of school: Yes, if I didn't have my homework done or was not feeling up to going to school and facing everybody and all the nagging teachers.
purchased something that you knew didn't fit: I've purchased shirts that were too tight because the other sizes didn't fit me and I really wanted the shirt. My excuse was, "I'm planning on losing a little weight anyway!" I still have not worn my Black Sabbath shirt.
climbed a tree: I used to climb the one in the front yard all the time.
fallen from a tree: Probably, but not far off the ground.
broken a bone: No.
sprained anything: I don't know. I'm not even sure what a sprain is.
passed out: I've passed myself out.
made yourself pass out: Haha.
been to disney world: Disney Land.
been to a theme park (not disney): Worlds of Fun, Silver Dollar City (both are in Missouri), and Universal Studios in California.
said i love you and meant it (not to a relative): To my cat, and some of my friends.
made a model volcano (working model): Probably.
made a clover leaf with your tounge: I think I did once!

--Past--

what did you do yesterday: Played the Sims all day, knitted, and watched movies with JD and JK. Also we went to Walmart and some pet store.
memory you miss the most: I don't know. Right now it's probably being blisfully unaware that my boyfriend was scum, and being so happy with him.
memory you want to forget: I don't want to forget anything, just not think about what happened with RF so much.
something you regretted after it was done: Being an idiot in high school, dating DMark and RF, having sex with DBeck, losing touch with NS, and pretty much everything else I've ever done or said in my life. But without all those events, I'd be a different person today, so I guess I don't wish they'd never happened.

--The Last--

song you heard: Some shitty rap song my sister was listening to. To the windoooooooooow, to the wall!
cd you bought: Wave on the Barrage: both The Age of Ventriloquism and Left Behinds.
thing you said: I don't know.
time you cried: Last night just a teeny tiny bit.
movie seen in a theater: Silent Hill. Sucky movie.
thing you ate: A delicious brownie.
person who called: JD.
nail polish shade worn: I think it was lime green.
time you showered: About two hours ago.
person who complimented you: My dad, ugh.

--At this moment--

what are you listening to: No music right now, only the air conditioner droning on.
what are you wearing: Fuzzy pink/red slippers, pink fleece pajama pants, black Invader Zim T-shirt, ugly green zip-up sweater.
what are you thinking: I FUCKING HATE THIS QUESTION. Asking "What are you thinking?" immediately cancels out whatever I was actually thinking about, because I'm too busy thinking, "Shit what was I thinking about?"
what are you scared of most: Death, the dark, embarrassment.
how many people are on your buddy list: I don't know.

--Future--

occupation: Man I don't care as long as I'm alive and not cleaning up shit or something.
marriage site: No.
honeymoon: You have to get married to do that.
place to live: I don't know. I honestly can't imagine moving very far from Kansas.
kids: Zero.
car: I don't care about cars.
what are you doing tomorrow: Working, rushing over to the bank to cash my fucking paycheck.
do you think george bush will be reelected: He's in his second term already, but knowing him he'll probably try to get some legislation passed that will allow a president to serve a third term.
will there be a wwIII: Pretty sure we've already started it.
will politics ever be truthful: No.
will humanity snuff itself out: If the apocalypse doesn't do it first.
can the gov. be changed: Yes, but people are too lazy to try. Including me.

--Friends--

best friend: JD.
funniest: All my friends are funny, in different ways.
silliest: JD or JS.
loudest: JD.
quietest: KH and JT.
craziest: JD and Tish.
calmest: KH.
skinniest: BenS.
best secret keeper: I don't know if anyone keeps my secrets. That's why I don't usually tell them.
worst secret keeper: I don't know.
the one you have but don't want: I want all my friends.
smartest: BC.
preppiest: MM, but she's not that preppy.
peppiest: BC.
most hyper: JD.
hottest: JBeg.
weirdest: It was DBeck, but after the sex I haven't talked to him since.
biggest pervert: JD.
most annyoing: Probably JD, but I usually just think it's funny.
shyest: I don't know, KH and JT?
most religious: Most of my friends aren't religious. I'd say JD.

--Do you believe in...?--

heaven: Probably not.
hell: Really hoping that doesn't exist, because if it does I'm screwed.
angels: No.
devil: I don't know.
god: Don't know.
buddha: I thought Buddha was a prophet, not a god.
aliens: It's possible I guess.
ghosts: Absolutely.
spirit (soul): I don't know. It's hard not to believe in that, I guess. I can't comprehend where our thoughts and emotions come from without the belief of some sort of soul.
soulmates: Not really.
reincarnation: I might.
love at first sight: NO.
karma: I'm pretty sure I do.
love in general: Platonic, yes, I don't know about romantic.
luck: I believe in bad luck, haha.
yourself: Nope.

--Crush--

who and when was your first crush: NW, that fourth grader I married on the bus. He had an earwax buildup problem.
a celebrity crush: Taylor Hanson. Haha.
who do you want to be with right now: All I know is I want to be with somebody, I just don't know who.
whos number do you want: Every cute guy that ever walks into the store where I work who doesn't have some bitch hanging off his arm.
who do you want to kiss: Like I said, I just want someone to kiss, I haven't found them yet.
what is something you dont understand about the opposite sex: Why they are so disloyal and why they don't care about other people's feelings and why they are so fucking STUPID.
if you could go on a date with anybody, who would it be: I don't know.
on scale of one to ten, how romantic are you: Like four.
first thing noticed about the opposite sex: Face and hair.
what do you look for personality-wise: TRUSTWORTHY, sense of humor, open-minded and respectful of others' beliefs, considerate.
biggest turn on: Long hair I suppose.
biggest turn off: When a guy is all smooth and suave, it makes me wonder who else he's tried to con.
something they wear that turns you on: I don't know.
something they wear that turns you off: Rididulously baggy or ridiculously tight pants on guys. Slutty clothes and sluttier makeup and spray on tan for girls.
the most romantic thing you want to happen to you: I just want somebody to say they care about me and mean it.
the most romantic thing that has happened to you: Haven't really had anything romantic happen to me.
what do you wear on a coffee date: Never been on a coffee date really. Once I met JBeg at a bookstore and we sat down in the coffee shop to talk... I wore jeans, my cute pink top that I've since lost, and my green hoodie.
is it right to flirt if you're taken: As long as the person you're flirting with knows they have no chance with you.
is cyber cheating: It's stupid, is what it is.
are eyes the passageway to the soul: No, but they sure are pretty.
who would you like to take to the prom: I skipped both proms.
do you want to hug somebody right now: Yes.
do you know what an aphrodisiac is: Yes. Duh?

--Describe--

mellow: Calm, content.
melancholy: And the infinite sadness. Haha, Pumpkins reference. Melancholy to me is like a slow, ongoing, nagging sadness, almost like an ache.
the perfect date: I don't know.
the perfect mate: Trustworthy, loyal, considerate, good sense of humor, open-minded.
how m&m's are made: I imagine on an assembly line in a factory.
why manhole covers are round: This is a stupid question.

---One or the other---

coke/pepsi: Pepsi.
sprite/7-up: Sprite.
boxers/briefs: Commando.
gold/silver: Silver.
vanilla/chocolate: Chocolate.
flowers/candy: Candy. Though I admit, as nonromantic as I am, I would love for a guy to give me flowers.
book/magazine: Books.
tv/radio: CDs.
glass half empty/half full: I always just say "There's half a glass of (blank)."
democrat/republican: I'm with ARay, I don't identify with the party, but I'm almost completely liberal.
colored pencils/markers: Crayons.
coffee/tea: Pop.
sun/moon: Moon, the sun hurts my eyes and burns my skin.
day/night: Both for different reasons. I'm more awake at night though.
hot/cold: Cold in some situations, hot in others.
dog/cat: Cat.
button/zipper: Depends on the garment.
cotton/feather pillow: Cotton. Cruelty free pillows, please.
blue/purple: Purple.
plumber/trashman: Neither?
jeans/shorts: Jeans.
long distance relationship/none: None.
mechanical/regular pencil: Regular. Mechanical pencils run out of lead at the most inconvenient times.
matt/ben: Matt. Just because JD and I are always like "Matt Damon!" like on Team America, you know?
that 70's show/simpsons: I like both!
kelso/eric: Eric.
donna/jackie: Donna.
bart/lisa: Bart.
romeo/juliet: Who cares?
romantic comedy/thriller: Thriller.
nsync/bsb: I admit I used to be a pretty big fan of Backstreet Boys. In fact I had a BSB song stuck in my head in the shower tonight. But I liked both, and 98 Degrees as well.
peanut butter/jelly: Peanut butter.
waffles/pancakes: Waffles.
letter/email: E-mail.
florida/california: Never been to Florida, but I'm not fond of hurricanes, I suppose.
pizza/burgers: Pizza.
hat/visor: Knit caps!
football/rugby: Ew.
iceskating/blading: Rollerblading?
movie at home/in theater: At home usually.

---First thing you think of when you hear...?---

yellow: Flowers.
red lipstick: I think of a blonde lady with curly hair and a skintight red dress and no ass, 80s style.
socks: Feet.
cowtipping: Assholes.
moulin rouge: Christina Aguilera, and other assorted whores.
greenland: Iceland.
iceland: Bjork.
harry potter: Hype.
red: Lipstick. Only because the survey was making me think about it earlier.
blackberry: Mullberries.
rose: When I read that I actually smelled the nasty rose scent for a fraction of a second.
rooster: Alice in Chains.
taxes: Doom.
bill clinton: Lewinski.
whipped cream: Cool Whip.
george w. bush: Moron.
lollipops: Thanks to ARay, I too am thinking about porn. And thanks to the survey, I also have that "Lollipop, lollipop, oh lolli, lolli, lolli" song stuck in my head.
dreams: Rainbows. Haha, seriously, I thought of clouds and the sky and a rainbow.
love: False.
guys: Lie.
south park: Cartman.
boy bands: Lame.
pengiuns: Marching.
girls: Little girls in pink dresses with ruffles and bows. Ew my mind is warped by gender roles!
thong: Underwear.
death: Fear.
spoons: Forks.
junk mail: Letters.
dairy: Digestive problems.
panties: Hot.
your father: Stupid old drunk.
pizza: Veggies.
britney spears: Just sad now.
vitamin: D.

--Are you...?---

happy: No.
sad: Lately.
religious: No.
bitchy: Sometimes.
crazy: No.
messy: Very.
mad: No.
slacker: YES.
nerd: Not the smart kind, just the annoying loser kind who plays the Sims.
bookworm: No.
jock: Hahahaha no.
preppy: No.
selfish: Yes.
giving: Sometimes.
obsessive: Yes.
violent: Not usually.
calm: Right now, yes.
peaceful: Neutral, I suppose.
mellow: Kind of.
eccentric: No, just weird.
caring: Towards some people.
untrustworthy: I can usually be trusted. I try to act the way I want people to act towards me.
loyal: Almost always.
patriotic: No.
perverted: Sometimes.
colorful: No, I'm boring.
artistic: Not usually.

--Miscellanoues--

what color is your jacket: My coat is green, my hoodies are green and black.
do you shave: Occasionally. Nobody ever sees anything important so not very often.
where: Armpits (those get shaved regularly), legs, bikini area.
what color is your razor: Pink.
what size is your bed: Double?
what color crayon would you be: I hate this question. I don't know!
what are the last four digits of you phone number: Noooooo.
feelings on abortion: Mixed. On the one hand, a fetus IS alive and therefore doesn't deserve to be killed, but on the other, if abortions were illegal, there would be more do-it-yourself abortions that go wrong, more babies dying in dumpsters, more children growing up hated and abused, with serious emotional problems, and more children growing up without a family. I don't think I would ever get one, but I don't look down on people who have, unless they just use it as a form of birth control, like "Oops forgot to use a condom! Better get another abortion!"
how lond does it take you to shower: Thirty minutes to an hour.
what does your screenname mean: This one is a line from the Nirvana song "School" where he yells "No recess! No recess! No recess!"
thoughts on blonde pop stars in general: I'm sick of only seeing blonde girls portrayed as attractive. Once they dye their hair, most people think they're ugly. Blonde hair is a media-enforced symbol of sexiness.
who do you trust the most: I don't trust anybody fully. Probably my mom and youngest sister.
is cussing a necessity in life: No, but I do it anyway.
how about coffee: I hate it.
is the world screwed: Yes.
what something you cant live without: Food, water, shelter.
what time did you fall asleep: Probably close to 3:00.
know what 69 means: Yes, but I didn't for the longest time and was too embarrassed to ask anyone.
how about 143: No, I'll have to go look this up. EW. EW EW EW that is SO CHEESY.
can you live without a microwave: Considering most of the food I eat is cooked with one, probably not.
what do think about death: It terrifies me. I can't comprehend not existing.
where and when do you want to be married: I don't think I want to.
do you want to drop out of school: I'm not in school.
why is the sky blue: I used to know. I don't anymore.
what is a good trait about yourself: I don't know.
what do you always think about: Things I'm worried about.
what is wrong with your school: I AM NOT IN SCHOOL. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
what is right with your school: Seriously!
how do you react to change: Not well, usually, unless it's one I asked for. Lately a lot of stuff is changing and I'm freaked out.
do you talk to yourself: CONSTANTLY when nobody's around.
what is your opinion on love: Shut up about love already, I said like four times I don't believe in romantic love. It's all a bunch of bullshit in movies, that people want so badly to feel they fabricate it in their minds.
can you afford to lose weight: Yes.
what color would you dye your hair: I'd just get some highlights to brighten it up a little so it didn't always look dirty.
best thing anyones told you: I don't know.
what is your reaction to someone telling you you're hot: Disbelief.
does being psycho appeal to you: No?
if you wrote a book, what would it be about: Fiction, probably. Maybe a children's book, or an adults' book disguised as a children's book.
what would you change your name to: Why would I want to do that?
longest crush lasted how long: Three years.
have you ever drank alcohol?: Yes, a few sips.
what is your favorite alcoholic beverage?: I don't drink.
have you gotten drunk?: No.
how many times?: None.
have you ever passed out from drinking?: No.
have you ever thrown up from drinking?: No. God, this was obviously written by a college student.
have you ever got caught drinking?: No.
who do you usually drink with?: NOBODY.
where do you usually drink at?: Nowhere.
how often do you drink?: Never.
where do you get the alcohol?: Nowhere.
do you enjoy drinking?: No. It tastes disgusting and I'd be afraid to make an ass of myself.

--Last part--

does anybody not approve of your drinking? (who): People disapprove of my not drinking.
what would happen if your parents caught you?: My mom would be disappointed, my dad would have no room to talk.
why do you drink?: I DON'T.
when's the next time you plan on drinking?: I don't know if I will or not. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I want to be able to loosen up and have fun, but at the same time I'm afraid of being really stupid in front of a bunch of people.
end time: 12:26 am.

10:37 p.m. - 2006-05-28

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Lonely

Couples are the worst people to be around. JD's living in town with his parents for a few weeks before he moves out to Missouri for his new job. JK was over there, and they were all lovey dovey. I think I like them better when they fight.

I've been thinking a lot about RF lately. I don't have feelings for him or want him back. But it really bugs me that he's with this new girl. I found her Myspace because I am obsessive and crazy and I search for people's Myspace pages. Anyway, I found her page and she's got pictures of her and RF together looking all happy. And I just wonder if he's cheating on her too. And if not, why the fuck does she get special treatment, why does she get the good boyfriend out of him when I didn't? On his Myspace it says he's in a relationship. The whole time he was dating me, even when it said he'd logged on recently, it still said single.

The relationship meant absolutely nothing to him. That's what bothers me. And what pisses me off is I'm acting like all those girls I always thought were stupid in the movies. I wonder what it is I do that makes me undesirable to anyone and everyone. Is it my face, my hair, my body, the way I talk, the way I act, am I bad in bed, am I too shy, too boring, too paranoid? Yes. I feel like all of those things and so many other things are to blame for me being single.

I feel like I'm never going to find anyone who's going to truly care about me, and even if I did, how would I know if they were being honest? I never know when someone's being honest, or if they're only saying something to me as a joke or to get something from me. I can take almost every single thing a person says to me and analyze it and find some second, derogatory meaning. I'm paranoid that everyone who's nice to me is only tolerating me.

I can't even talk to anybody about this. Anytime I have the opportunity to, I clam up and pretend everything is normal. I'll be talking to JD on the phone, and I'll want to say something, but then I think, it's bullshit that I'm feeling sorry for myself and he's not going to want to hear me whine. Same with Patch, I'll be talking to him on MSN and I'll start typing something like "so I'm not doing so well lately" and then delete it. He's usually got something more important to talk about anyway, like his latest girl-related news, or family stuff, or school stuff, or band stuff, etc. I'll be ready to press enter and then he'll type something and be all excited about whatever he's telling me about, and I don't want to spoil his good mood with my pity party.

It's not that I want people to feel sorry for me. Maybe I do a little, but who doesn't every once in a while? I just feel so completely and utterly alone most of the time. I feel like nobody acknowledges me.

But really, nobody acknowledges anybody, when you think about it. Most people see hundreds, if not thousands of people each day and they don't really look at them. Sometimes I'll be out and see people and wonder who they are and what their lives and personalities are like. Sometimes when I'm in an unfamiliar town I wonder about its history and what kind of people live there. But that's only sometimes. Mostly I'm like everyone else, just going through the motions and not really realizing what's going on around me, and the only thing that's real to me is myself.

See, that's my problem. I have to stop sometimes and remind myself that everything that's happening to me, around me, to other people I know, is real. It's pretty common for a lot of people to go about life as if they were in a dream or a movie. When I was younger I used to even narrate in my head, or even out loud of I was just home alone. I feel like my entire life is just a TV show, a very long, boring show.

I feel detached. I forget that the people connected to me really exist, when they're not around or if I haven't seen them for a while. It's like they're characters I watched on TV a couple of weeks ago. I don't feel like things are really happening elsewhere, only things that are happening to me seem real. The war in Iraq seems unreal to me. I know it's real and I tell myself all the time that it's real, but in all honesty, it's not directly affecting me that much so I don't care that much about it. I mean, I do care quite a lot about it, when I remember that it's taking place. I don't know. It's three in the morning and I need to get some sleep so I can go to work tomorrow and dwell on things all day again.

3:04 a.m. - 2006-05-28

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