This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page.

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All disease is mind disease

I'm not doing well lately. I remember when I was a freshman in high school and I was convinced I was depressed. The doctor even diagnosed me with mild depression, and gave me Zoloft. I kept telling her it wasn't working and she just kept upping the dosage, and it still didn't help. Of course this was before all the studies that indicated that Zoloft actually increased suicidal thoughts in adolescents. It didn't really make me suicidal, and I don't think it made me worse, it just never made things better.

When I got a little older I thought I had just been blowing things out of proportion, but now I'm not really sure. I can't remember the last time I felt happy for more than a few days or weeks at a time. I mean yeah, I acknowledge that things are going well, like getting a raise at work or getting my apartment and getting along with my room mates, but I still can't say that I'm satisfied with life. For a fleeting moment, maybe I am, but once the new-apartment elation or whatever exciting new thing I'm experiencing wears off, it's back to the same confused, panicked, alone feelings I'm used to.

I think about life a lot lately. I don't believe it has any meaning or purpose. I'm pretty much okay with it. I think so many people have spiritual beliefs because it's easier and more comforting to believe that there's a reason we're all here. I kind of envy them. I think about life and it is terrifying to me because I'm not even sure that it's real. I'm so detached lately. Everything seems like a dream or a movie.

I'm reading one of AF's books right now. It's called Choke and it's written by Chuck Palahniuk, the guy who wrote Fight Club. The narrator and his crazy mom and I share some views about the world. The book talks about how everything has been made so safe by civilization and governments and society that nothing is exciting anymore. Any excitement these days is fake. Movies, roller coasters, books, everything entertaining is made up or just a copy of what real excitement would be like. And the only way to get real adventure back is to change the way we think and the way we live. The problem is everyone is scared to change. It's boring and depressing, but at least today's world is safe, or that's what we try to reassure ourselves anyway.

I'm okay with not having a purpose. I know most people aren't. I'm okay with life not having a meaning. I just don't like being shoved into the traditional mundane routine that most people live out day after day. Force yourself out of bed, go to work, be forced to interact with people you don't care to know, go home tired and cranky and feeling like you wasted yet another day doing the same goddamned thing you did yesterday, go to bed, lather, rinse, repeat.

The problem is that if you want to live a non-traditional lifestyle, you pretty much have to move yourself to a cabin in the middle of nowhere, Thoreau style. Or find a really kickass job, and those are hard to find.

That's my problem. I need to get out of retail. I don't know why I ever picked a job that mostly deals with customer service. I'm not a people person. People don't understand me, and I don't understand people. I can't decided if I believe that you should treat everyone nicely, even if they don't deserve it, you know, golden rule, or if you should treat people the way you think they deserve to be treated. And just not give a fuck. Depends on what day it is for me, but I usually go with nice even if I want to be mean because I am a pussy. I'm not prepared to defend myself verbally, and definitely not prepared to defend myself physically if I ever offended some crazy person, so I just keep my mouth shut and by the end of the day I'm pretty much full of stupid shit that pisses me off, with nowhere to release it.

This is turning into a long entry, and I'm nowhere near finished. I've still got a lot more to complain about. Let's move on to more emotional issues now.

I think I am crazy. Tonight in the shower I was masturbating, no big deal, I do that from time to time. I had a pretty intense orgasm, and immediately started crying afterwards. No, I'm not some crazy chick who cries during sex because it's so emotional or anything. Especially not sex with myself. In fact I think it was due to my lack of emotion. When I masturbate, fool around, and especially when I have sex, I feel detached, like I'm not even really there, like I'm asleep and dreaming or something. Actually a lot of my sex dreams feel more real than when I have sex in reality. It's totally escapist and that's probably why I pleasure myself so frequently. Most of the time I love it, but recently, increasingly often, it's depressing. It's like physically I feel amazing, but emotionally I don't feel anything except indifference, numbness. It's a trade-off, I guess.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I had someone to help me out with the sex. Someone I actually cared about and was comfortable with. Not a boyfriend I just settled for, not someone new who I'm awkward around, not a friend who I know doesn't really care about me.

I don't feel like anyone cares about me. I mean I know people do to an extent. I've got JD and my mom and my sister. So maybe I do feel like a few people care about me. I don't know. But I don't feel close to them. I don't have anyone I can talk to who won't just brush off my problems as silly and childish exaggerations.

I really want to start seeing a therapist or someone like that. I don't have the money and I don't want to make my parents pay for that, and I don't want to admit to them that I'm feeling like this so much lately. I don't want to make my mom worry. I don't want to scare my room mates off because they think I'm crazy. Although I'm not sure they don't already think that.

I don't know if AF or anyone else could hear me crying while I was in the shower tonight. I just couldn't stop. And then as soon as I got out I noticed the door was open and my cat was gone. I freaked out. I was sobbing and swearing and I put on my jeans and started wandering around the apartment complex with a flashlight looking for my cat. They saw me and drove up to me and probably thought I was crazy, and I told them what happened and said a bunch of stupid shit about being freaked out and stuff, and went back inside and then a few minutes later they came in with my cat. They saw me crying and I hate when people see me cry. To make matters worse, their friends were with them too.

Their friends, by the way, are really fucking cool. A thousand times cooler and less awkward than my friends. They don't say stupid shit all the time without thinking, they don't laugh at inappropriate times, they know about politics, they're well-read and educated, and they're outgoing and good-looking. My friends are not. It's just how things work. Cool kids sit at one table, loser kids are forced to be friends with each other at the other table. We all know each other are lame, but we have to just get over it because we're all we've got. I would never abandon my awkward friends, but they're embarrassing. I so desperately want to be more like AF and LH's friends.

They go to parties occasionally, and sometimes they ask if I want to go along. All the time I tell myself, next time they ask me to go to a party with them I'll say yes. Every time they ask me though, I decline. I can't handle the idea of being around a bunch of strangers who are judging me. Why aren't you talking to anyone, why aren't you drinking, why did you just say that, what's so funny, what's wrong with your room mate AF, she's weirding me out. Every time I try to talk to new people I get really quiet and withdrawn. I am almost completely sure that I'd either cling to my room mates or, more likely, cling to the nearest secluded corner.

There's definitely a lack of satisfying relationships in my life, and I feel like that's never going to change because of the way I act around new people, and their perception of my shyness as either cold and uninviting, or just weird and socially awkward. Which really, I'm all of the above.

It gets to the point that I want to seek comfort from almost anyone. I thought about what I would say if AF had heard me crying and asked about it. Would I deny it, or spill everything? I thought about calling someone, anyone, to talk about the way I've been feeling lately. I even considered Tim for a minute. He likes me, so I know he'd listen, but no way would I want to lead him on and let him believe that my confiding in him and seeking comfort from him meant that I wanted to pursue him romantically. But I swear, for a second I wanted him to come over and hold me, because I was almost ready to just take what I could get. I remember when I broke up with RF for cheating, I thought about taking him back or calling him up for casual sex, just so I wouldn't be alone.

I don't even know what to write anymore. I guess I'm done for tonight.

12:01 a.m. - 2006-09-30

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Pardon me while I burst into flames.

A lot is going on. A lot. I hung out with NS last month. Her baby boy is due October first. I'm making him a blanket. She brought Nick and Stu with her. Stu is a cool guy. Good with his hands, even better with his tongue, except when he's kissing. Then he just kind of shoves his tongue in the girl's mouth. He got me the closest to orgasm anyone's ever been able to manage. I was almost there, and then his hand got tired. I wonder if I'm sluttier than I thought?

I am getting an apartment. I'm taking this girl from work's room because she's moving to Kansas City. Her friend AF is moving in, and this girl I used to work with already lives there, but she's moving out on the fifteenth, I guess. So we need to find someone to take her place, I don't know who. AF's really nice, though, he likes Zelda, and he likes cats, he's anti-homophobic, and his girlfriend is a vegetarian so I have a feeling this is going to work out pretty well.

It's a three bedroom apartment with two bathrooms. Washer and dryer inside the apartment, free cable and internet, somewhere around $240 a month. It's a nice apartment, so I'd say $240 is reasonable. I'm very excited about this. I bought a bunch of stuff for my room. And I'm getting some of my mom's old furniture. I might refinish it. I'm planning on making some curtains.

I know I should be super happy about this, and I am very excited, but there's been a lot of psychological stuff going on with me lately too. I'm realizing that I'm not any better than I used to be with the shyness. The second I say something, I start wondering if it was stupid, and it gnaws at me all day, for weeks, sometimes I can still remember it years later and I still regret it even then. I have to mentally prepare myself to call people, even my friends. I feel like I'm bothering everybody.

I know part of it is low self esteem. I realize that this is a big problem with me. But I've kind of realized that while I do have definite self esteem issues, a lot of the time I'm not really worried that I'm not worthy of people's acceptance, it's that everyone else thinks I'm not worthy. If that makes sense. I used to think it was just me being pathetic and undeserving and all that. But really, logically, I know that I deserve people's respect and acceptance. I just don't feel like anyone agrees with me about that.

This is the part where a non-shy person would say, "So what if they don't like you, fuck them, you don't need them." But I need someone. I don't feel close to anyone anymore. It's like I'm incapable. Really, I don't know why I ever thought I was close to anyone in the first place. I mean, I thought I was close with NS, but in reality, she never felt that close to me, she had other people for that. And I've never been that close with any of my other friends. I was never close with any of my ex-boyfriends, either.

The shyness is becoming more and more of an obstacle for my emotional well being. I never really talk to anyone about anything important. Small talk, how are you doing, it's hot outside, funny story, a couple of jokes, quick update on what's going on in my life. I don't want to give up too much information and cross some boundary without realizing it.

I just feel very lonely most of the time, and kind of hopeless. I've pretty much given up on having anything more than casual relationships with the people I know. I feel like it's always going to be this way.

12:07 a.m. - 2006-08-04

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I think I broke my toe last night?

Also, here is a survey:

1. What is in the back seat of your car right now?
Mapquest directions, and the headrest for the driver's side carseat, because I can't see behind me when I check my blind spot if I keep the head rest on. Also, Dollar General bottled water.

2. Who would make your perfect partner?
I don't even know anymore.

3. What is your favorite all time sports team?
I hate sports.

4. What was the last thing you threw up?
Food, I imagine.

5. If you smoke -
If I smoke, what? I don't smoke cigarettes.

6. What is the last funny text message you received?
TWilk sent me some lameass text message forward. I didn't even know those existed, but then again, I shouldn't be surprised.

7. Have you ever had a private maid?
Uhh, no.

8. When was that last time you licked someone?
Haha. Like a month ago. JBeg, in the backseat of my car, got some very sensitive areas licked.

9. What is the last thing you regret purchasing?
That JJ's sandwich. Bastard put mayo on it on purpose, to get back at me for asking him to change his gloves. I seriously think he did it on purpose.

10. Whatchu Kno about Dat?
Uh.

11. What is the longest flight you have been on?
I don't know.

12. What is your favorite episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air?
I like them all?

13. Say a line from Ferris Bueller's Day Off?
Save Ferris!

14. Does anyone have any blackmail on you?
I have no idea. I'm sure my sister's got something she's waiting to bust out on me.

15. What do you think of Pee Wee Herman?
I loved his show when I was a kid. I don't care about the porno theater thing. If you were watching porn, you'd masturbate too.

16. If you could marry any celebrity today who would it be?
Nobody? Because marriage is for chumps.

17. Have you been to a strip club?
No, but I want to go.

18. Do you like tan lines on a woman/man?
Nooooooo.

19. What is the last bet you lost?
I don't really bet.

20. Would you date someone that none of your friends liked?
I have. DMark.

21. Where were you an hour ago?
At home, same as now.

22. Where were you last year this time?
Probably also at home.

23. What is the largest amount of money you spent in one store?
I don't know.

24. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
Yes, all over the place. Erasers, lotion, empty crochet hook package that needs to be discarded...

25. When is the last time you went to the mall?
Months ago.

26. Are you wearing socks right now?
No. Socks do not feel good on potentially broken toes.

27. When was the last time you went out of town?
Went to Lawrence today, since I go almost every day, but if this question is referring to an extended stay out of town, last August in Arizona.

28. What was the last thing you had to drink?
Pepsi.

29. What are you wearing right now?
Infuriatingly pocketless jeans, fuzzy slippers, bra, green striped shirt.

30. Have you been in a car wash?
no, but I have been in a car in a car wash (Stole Shan's answer)

31. Last fast food you ate?
JJ's sandwich WITH MAYO. Jerks.

32. Where were you last week on Friday?
I worked. And then I came home.

33. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
No.

34. When is the last time you danced?
I danced in my car yesterday.

35. What's the last sporting event you watched?
I don't even know if I've ever watched a sporting event on purpose.

36. What is your favorite class?
It was choir in high school, or art, or HTML.

37. Your dream car?
I don't like cars that much.

38. Last persons house you were in?
My own. Before that, TWalk and MM's. My future apartment.

39. How old are your parents?
I don't even know anymore, and I'm too lazy to do the math.

40. What gets on your nerves?
Everything ever today.

41. Do u miss anyone?
Yes. NS, JD, and Stu.

42. Last movie you saw?
Don't remember.

43. What are your plans for tonight?
Sitting on my ass.

44. Who is the last person you sent a message to on myspace?
Don't remember. Probably JT.

45. Ever go to camp?
One year I went to daycamp. We baked some really shitty bread that I was immensely proud of.

46. Were you an honor roll student in school?
I was for a long time, and then I went to middle school.

47. What do you want to know about the future?
I just want to know that I'll be okay, not in danger or harm or anything.

48. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?
Nope. Baby powder scented deodorant.

49. Are you hungry?
No.

50. What kind of hairstyle/color do you like on the opposite sex?
What about on the same sex? Homophobes! I just like hair. I don't know. Long hair on guys is pretty sexy.

51. Do you like sushi?
Never tried it.

52. Do you have a tan?
Driver's arm.

54. Do you collect anything?
Yarn, apparently.

55. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?
Several months ago, I got pulled over for having expired tags but I showed him that I had the current tag in my car and he gave me a warning.

56. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?
Yes.

57. How do you like your drinks?
Cold.

58. Do you like hot sauce?
Yes, but I can't eat it without having something to drink immediately after each bite.

59. Last time u showered?
Yesterday.

60. Are you someones best friend
No.

61. Are you rich?
Far from it. In fact, about to be very poor once I move into that apartment.

6:49 p.m. - 2006-07-25

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Survey, etc.

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
Closed. Ever since I was a little kid I was afraid ghosts or something could be hiding in there.

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
Yes.

3. Have you ever 'done it' in a hotel room?
Noooo, I've only been in a hotel once when it wasn't a family vacation, and that was a slumber party with all straight girls (except me).

4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
No.

5. Do you like to use post-it notes?
At work I drew a monster on a post-it and gave it to a coworker, and now it's still stuck to a pole in front of her register. So yes. I do.

6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
I never bother to cut them out. I only use coupons for where I work, unless my mom gives me one for Best Buy or something if she knows I'll be shopping there.

7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
No.

9. Do you always smile for pictures?
No, I glower and cover my face. If I'm taking my own picture, I smile.

10. What is your biggest pet peeve?
Inconsiderate people.

11. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
My bed's against the wall, and I have to have the sheets tucked between the bed and the wall.

12. Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
Not usually. I count other stuff sometimes, like how many times I chew my food.

13. Have you ever peed in the woods?
Probably when I was little.

14. Do you ever jump up and down to make your privates bounce?
My private parts are not the kind that bounce.

15. Do you chew your pens and pencils?
When I wear the eraser down, I chew on the metal part until it breaks so I can use more of the eraser.

16. How many people have you slept with this week?
None. But have I got a story about last week!

17. Do you like popcorn from those big tins?
Oh fuck yes. Especially the cheese kind.

18. What is your "Song of the week"?
"Only Shallow" by My Bloody Valentine. I just got the Loveless CD on Saturday so I've been listening to it in the car every day.

19. Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
Yes, if they actually like pink. Not if they're doing it to be funny or ironic, or prove that "real men wear pink."

20. Do you still watch cartoons?
Oh ffffuuuck yes. All the fucking time!

21. Whats your favorite scary movie?
I don't know. I always go see scary movies but they're usually disappointing and really cheesy.

22. Where would you bury treasure if you had some?
Why would I bury it? I'd cash it in so I could spend the money. If burying is required, I'd say Antarctica. Nobody ever goes there, so there's almost no chance it'll be found. Plus, it's a friggin' huge continent.

23. What do you drink with dinner?
Pepsi or nothing.

26. What color is your cell phone?
Blue.

28. Were you a boy/girl scout?
I was in Daisies, the preschool aged girl scouts, but my mom didn't like how clique-y the other moms were so she pulled me out of it. Thanks, mom, I apreciate that. I really do!

29. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
Not unless I got paid A LOT.

30. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
In high school, probably. English teachers always gave shitty assignments like "write a letter to the main character of your book giving him advice" and shit like that.

31. Can you change the oil on a car?
No.

32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
Yes, going 104 miles per hour. I was late for work?

33. Ran out of gas?
No. I try to fill up when I've got a quarter of a tank left so that never happens.

34. Favorite kind of sandwich?:
Jimmy John's veggie sub, no mayo, extra avocado spread.

35. Best thing to eat for breakfast?
Motherfucking Golden Grahms.

36. What is your usual bedtime?
Like 2:30 in the morning.

37. Are you lazy?
Yes.

38. When you were a kid what did you dress up as for halloween?
I was a witch and a cat a few times, also a unicorn, this weird chick who dresses in all pink and has blue hair and is a "rockstar or something," Morticia Addams, and a goth/"troubled teen" like six times when I was a preteen/teen. I'm not very creative.

39. Do you read the newspaper?
Only if it's sitting on a table and a headline catches my eye.

40. How many languages can you speak?
One.

41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
No.

42. Which are better Legos or Lincoln Logs?
Legos, by far.

43. Are you stubborn?
Depends on the situation.

44. Who is better...Leno or Letterman?
Conan.

45. Watch an opera live?
Might be intersting. I've never gone to one before.

46. Afraid of heights?
A little.

48. Dance in the shower?
And fall and crack my head open? No thanks.

49. Dance in the car?
If I'm not driving and I'm trying to be funny.

50. Ever used a gun?
A squirtgun.

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
Senior pictures, May of 2005.

52. Are musicals cheesy?
Yes.

53. Is christmas stressful?
Not for me yet, but in a couple of years it probably will be.

54. Ever eat a pierogi?
I have no idea what that is.

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?
No.

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
Ballerina, artist, princess, teacher, singer, writer, and now I don't know what the hell I want.

57. Do you believe in ghosts?
Yes.

59. Take a vitamin daily?
No, but I should.

60. Wear slippers?
Almost constantly at home.

61. Wear a bath robe?
Never even owned one.

62. What do you wear to bed?
Usually nothing.

63. First concert?
Hanson. >_<

64. Wal-Mart, Target or K-Mart?
Target.

65. Nike or Adidas?
No. I prefer $10 Converse knockoffs from the little girl's section at Payless.

66. Cheetos Or Fritos?
Neither. I guess maybe crunchy Cheetos.

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
Peanuts.

68. Ever hear of, "gorp"?
Sounds familiar, I have no idea what it means.

69. Ever take dance lessons?
Yes. For three agonizing years.

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
I can't even picture having a spouse.

71. Can you curl your tongue?
Yes.

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
Like once. Another time I was scared I was going to die the next day in a fiery plane crash, so I guess I was crying because of that, but I told DMark I was crying because I'd miss him and was so happy with him. Hahaha.

74. Own any record albums?
No.

75. Own a record player?
No. We have a broken one in our basement!

76. Regularly brush your teeth?
Haha no. I always forget or don't have time in the morning.

77. Ever been in love?
No.

79. What was your last concert you saw?
Sidewise and some other bands.

80. Hot tea or cold tea?
Tea sucks.

81. Tea or coffee?
Coffee sucks too, but I'd take it over tea if it had enough sugar and cream in it.

82. Favorite kind of cookie?
Chocolate chip or peanut butter.

83. Can you swim well?
Not well.

84. Can you hold your breath w/o manually holding your nose?
There are idiots who can't do this?

85. Are you patient?
No.

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?
Weddings are for chumps.

87. Ever won a contest?
In second grade I won second place (or maybe first place, I can't remember) the bike helmet poster contest. I drew a kid on a bike and wrote "Always wear your helment."

88. Ever have plastic surgery?
No. Unless I was horribly disfigured in some sort of accident.

89. Which are better black or green olives?
Gross.

90. Can you knit or crochet?
I am good at loom knitting, a beginner at needle knitting, and I can crochet the starting chain but once I try to go beyond that I can't figure it out.

91. Best room for a fireplace?
Living room.

92. Do you want to get married?
No.

Okay, on the the real entry. Last week I went to hang out with JBeg. I ended up getting super lost on the way there, past Liberty. We met up at the Liberty Walmart, and I followed him to his house but his brothers were still awake so he didn't want to go inside. We drove to a park but there were a bunch of people there, so we drove to this empty parking lot.

At first I was like "No way, I am not doing this in a car where we can get caught." But it was fairly secluded and not many cars drove by, so eventually we started making out, which led to him sucking on my nipples, which then led to him giving me oral. It felt great, maybe even better than when RF did it, but I still couldn't get off.

Of course, since he'd given me oral I was obligated to return the favor. I was so nervous because I still had only sort of halfway given head. But he seemed to love it. It didn't taste bad like I thought it would. Very salty. I guess I'm not bad at it. He came on my chest and there was a lot of it. I had to wash off with some bottled water I had in my car.

It's sad, but that's probably the craziest thing I've done in my life. I'm proud of myself for loosening up a little that night.

He says he's going to come visit me next time, when he gets a new bike. I don't think we can fool around, but who knows, we might be able to figure something out.

As with every time I visit him, I am crushing again. I can't help it. He's gorgeous, confident, and has a good sense of humor. He's condescending, though, especially when it comes to driving and directions. But yeah, part of me can't help but wonder if his wanting to come over here for once indicates that maybe he's crushing too? I don't know. I'm probably reading too much into things. Wishful thinking.

I wouldn't date him anyway, living so far away and never being able to make it over to his place without getting lost. Plus, when the longer the distance, the easier it would be for him to cheat. Still though, I had a very good time.

5:28 p.m. - 2006-07-10

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