This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- God damn it. I am romantically interested in almost every guy who's nice to me. Take DW for instance. He's not my type physically, but he talks to me like I'm a regular person, not a joke, not all carefully worded so that I can't possibly mistake his genuine kindness as a mutual attraction. And then there's MD. I have to be careful with him. We get along so well and I think out of all the new people I've met recently he understands me the most and can relate to me the best. And he thinks I'm really cool. I read his blog and he said a couple of times how he's glad he met me and we're friends now. I think I've told him more personal stuff about myself than I've even told LH, like stuff about my social phobia and being lonely. I'm really comfortable around him, and he seems to be comfortable around me. He comes over a lot and he'll be kind of lying down curled up on one couch cushion, and I'll be on the other cushion, and our feet and legs will be almost touching and it would be so easy for me to just sit up and move over to his side. And right now he's talking to me on AIM trying to convince me to come over and watch TV for a while. He doesn't like to be alone. And I want to go over there but I have to work tomorrow morning, like every morning. I would really like to be held. 12:35 a.m. - 2006-11-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Can we show our faces now? My eyes go out of focus in front of the screen, the squirming, pretty girls moaning faux pleasures and I drink it all up like none of it's a lie. It isn't real but I believe it anyway because it's the closest thing I have to love, the closest I can come to feeling anything but numb, oh god is this what I've become? Close my eyes and crank it up and the feeling becomes so intense it's unbearable. Crank it up so high it hurts, so high I can't think, so detached that this is the only thing I feel, the only thing right now that's truly real. Push harder until I'm completely desensitized, blissfully removed, push harder until it doesn't even matter that inside it's completely hollow. Crank it up and now I'm gasping and writhing in what is cleverly disguised as ecstacy, crank it up and push harder until there's nothing left but those pretty girls onscreen and my own pulsing, throbbing self hatred. 1:59 a.m. - 2006-11-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Vamos a jugar por la playa I'm just not happy. I can't even really express this. 9:53 p.m. - 2006-10-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't know. I don't know why it's so important to me that I meet someone and start a relationship. I don't know why I want that so badly. I don't know why anyone wants it, except to validate themselves as desirable and socially acceptable. I mean yeah, there are definitely perks. It's nice to have someone to hold you and do all the physical stuff, and it's good to have someone to talk to and know you're there for each other. But really, people want to know that someone wants them, that they're not defective. I don't even like the actual relationship stage. I like the part right before, where I've met the guy and I'm giddy and feeling good about myself. God, how sick is that? And then once I'm in a relationship, it's like, oh god, he's going to get sick of me, he's going to cheat on me, he's so obnoxious and embarrassing, I'm not even attracted to him anymore, I feel trapped. That's so wrong, that I really only want a guy's attention long enough to make me feel like maybe there's not something wrong with me after all. Eh, I've been chatting with MD and I suppose I feel a little better though. I am going over to his apartment now to watch the Daily Show. And then the Colbert Report. Because that's what we do around here. 11:52 p.m. - 2006-10-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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