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I visited my family this evening. Apparently I forgot to make my car payment last month so I've got two to make this month. I put the envelope in my purse, and then when I left I forgot to mail it.

I told my mom how I've been feeling lately. Well, not just lately, but it's been worse over the past couple of months. She acted concerned and that's why I've been hesitant to talk to her about it. I tried to make it out like it's not a big deal, because it isn't, really. It's not serious, I'm not stuck in bed crying all day or anything, I just can't seem to stop thinking negatively about my life is all. I can deal with it, it's just that I'd prefer not to feel like this.

I think a lot of it is because of work. I feel like a machine, like some kind of robot. I give automated responses, "Thank you for calling Michaels, how can I help you?" Pause. "Okay, can I put you on hold for a second?" And at the register, "Thank you, have a good day." Every time. I don't even mean it. It just comes out. I really don't care if most of the people I interact with have a good day. I don't even look at their faces. Sometimes someone will say, "I'm back again," and I'll say "Oh, were you in here earlier today?" And they'll look offended and say "You just checked me out like five minutes ago. At this point I usually make some remark about it being a monday or me not being a morning person or something.

I can't think of any place that I'm willing to work for that would actually hire me. I'd kind of like to apply at some of the stores downtown, but I can't imagine I'd get a lot of hours or a lot of pay since most of them are privately owned. I might have to end up getting two jobs. But I'm thinking I'll ask if I can stay on at Michaels as a Knifty Knitter instructor, if they're not too pissed off at me after I quit. So that would provide some extra income. Other than that, I don't really know what to do.

Good news, though! I got some hash last night. Guess what I am going to do tonight?

8:00 p.m. - 2006-11-15

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Sometimes when I get bored I diagnose myself with conditions that I read about on Wikipedia. The red text describes me.

"Atypical depression
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
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Atypical Depression (AD) is a subtype of Major Depression characterized by mood reactivity � being able to experience improved mood in response to positive events. In contrast, sufferers of "melancholic" depression generally cannot experience positive moods, even when good things happen. Additionally, atypical depression is characterized by reversed vegetative symptoms, namely over-eating and over-sleeping.
Despite its name, "atypical" depression is actually the most common subtype of depression � up to 40% of the depressed population may be classified as having atypical depression.

[edit] Diagnostic criteria (DSM-IV-TR)
The DSM-IV-TR, a widely used manual for diagnosing mental disorders, defines Major Depressive Disorder with Atypical Features as a subtype of depression characterized by:
A. Mood reactivity (i.e., mood brightens in response to actual or potential positive events)
B. At least two of the following:
Significant weight gain or increase in appetite
Hypersomnia (sleeping too much, as opposed to the insomnia present in melancholic depression)
Leaden paralysis (i.e., heavy, leaden feelings in arms or legs)
long-standing pattern of interpersonal rejection sensitivity (not limited to episodes of mood disturbance) that results in significant social or occupational impairment
C. Criteria are not met for Melancholic Depression or Catatonic Depression during the same episode.
By the ICD-10 classification, it will fall in the category of F32 or F39.

[edit] Research
In general, atypical depression tends to cause greater functional impairment than other forms of depression. Atypical depression tends to occur earlier in life than other forms of depression � usually beginning in teenage years. Similarly, patients with atypical depression are more likely to suffer from other mental illnesses such as social phobia, avoidant personality disorder, or body dysmorphic disorder. Atypical depression is more common in females � nearly 70% of the atypical population are women.
It is not yet entirely clear how atypical depression responds to treatment as compared with melacholic depression. Some studies suggest that an older class of drugs, MAOIs, may be more effective at treating atypical depression than the more modern tricyclic antidepressant and SSRIs.
It has been noted that patients with atypical depression often suffer from intense cravings for carbohydrates. A mineral supplement, chromium picolinate, was found to assuage these cravings in one study, though the conclusion reached has not been replicated.
It has been hypothesized that atypical depression may be related to thyroid dysregulation. Some studies have found subtle thyroid abnormalities in people with atypical depression. Another study suggests that patients may benefit from triiodothyronine, a medication used to treat hypothyroidism."

I am also convinced that I have avoidant personality disorder. It differs from social phobia in that social phobics are constantly thinking about their own personal reactions to social interaction, and avoidants monitor both their own reactions and the reactions of those they are interacting with. I pretty much have all the symptoms:

"-Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection
-Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked" (This is only half true for me, I don't want to, but I'm still willing to take the risk sometimes.)
"-Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed" (Big time. I am very careful about how close I get to most people, because I never know if I can trust them to be honest.)
"-Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations
-Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
-Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
-Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing" (I don't do a lot of things that most people my age do, simply because I've never done them before and I'm afraid of looking stupid. When I opened my first checking account I drove into a couple of bank parking lots, then drove back out because I was so afraid of feeling like an idiot for not knowing what to do.)

Of course Wikipedia cannot diagnose me with these disorders. But I can't see a professional about them because I have no money and no benefits, and I'm about to quit my job so I'll probably have even less money.

6:12 p.m. - 2006-11-14

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Oh my god. I hate my job so much. I went to bed early last night so I'd be able to wake up and actually make myself look presentable for a change, but in the morning I still stayed in bed, later than usual actually, because I just did not want to get up and go to work. I feel tired and irritable all day while I'm there. I get angry really easily at work over the slightest things.

The last couple of times I've worked, the floral department manager has changed the break schedule behind my back. On Friday she told me it was because the breaks had to be two hours apart. So I stayed after work like forty-five minutes, just to write today's schedule. Forty-five fucking minutes late, and because of that I couldn't get to the bank before it closed, and I couldn't cash my paycheck, so I had to borrow $20 from my mom this weekend just so I could have a little bit of emergency cash. And this morning I came in to find the breaks I scheduled whited out and changed to later times. I tried to explain to her that I couldn't possibly schedule all the breaks exactly two hours apart because then a whole bunch of people would be on break at the same time, and her excuse was that the auditor was supposed to be coming in this week and if she saw it the store would get in trouble. But I looked over the breaks as she scheduled them, and a whole bunch of them were only an hour and forty-five minutes apart. Just like I had scheduled them.

Because of this everyone was all confused about their breaks and one girl took her lunch when I was scheduled, leaving me stuck on register with only one other person to call up for backup. I always end up taking my breaks and lunches late because other people don't adhere to the schedule, and I'm too fucking timid to call them out on it.

I have decided I'm quitting. It's not because of the breaks. That was just the last straw. I seriously felt like I was going to cry for like half the day. I hate my job, I hate retail, I hate dealing with people all day long with their stupid requests and their inability to read what's right in front of their goddamned faces. I hate how everyone talks about me behind my back now because I have to call people up to the registers so that I can have a break. I deserve a break just as much as anyone else. I don't call them up out of spite, I only call them up so that I can get off my feet for fifteen minutes. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Typing this, I'm realizing how whiny and childish I sound. It's really not about the breaks. I just can't really put into words how completely numb and depressed I feel while I'm at work. It's like I'm just drifting through the day without being able to focus on what's going on around me. Half the time I don't even feel like what's happening is really happening. Most days I have to fight to keep from faking sick and asking if I can go home.

So I need to start looking for work elsewhere. I can't even begin to know where. I need to find a place that is not retail, doesn't require a college education, and pays the same or more as what I'm getting at my current job. I don't really want to be dealing with people, and I don't want a desk job, but at this point I will take what I can get.

6:15 p.m. - 2006-11-13

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Today is a good day! I went to my grandparents' house for the first time in like a month. I got to play with my baby cousin ZGB. She's two years old and she's like unbelievably smart. She sings Old McDonald when my sister plays it on the piano, and she can point out letters and numbers and pronounce words really well. Also she is adorable. I love that kid.

And and! I got to see my sister and my mom and everyone else in my family that I like (luckily the people I don't like stayed home!). And I ate a cheese sandwich. And then I went to Walmart and bought ten pairs of really cute underwear. Some of it is rainbow-colored! Also I bought blank CDs so I can finally burn all of those mixes I've always wanted to do, and that Nick Drake CD MD let me rip onto my computer. Which is a good CD, by the way! Nick Drake is the shit. And later I am going to do like, all of my laundry, because it is all dirty. So that is how today is going.

The other night we were going to have a party! But then we didn't. I ended up calling KH and cancelling, and I felt pretty guilty but I just don't think my room mates and their friends would get along with her well. But only two people actually came over. One of them is coming out as transgendered and he was wearing women's clothing and he had really cute earrings. He was like the nicest person ever. The other guy was cool too! So anyway it wasn't really a party, just a few of us getting really stoned and watching Pete and Pete and playing Guitar Hero, as usual.

Last night I tried whippets. I think that's how you spell it? Nitrous oxide. I've had it at the dentist before, but they turned it up gradually, with the balloons you get it all at once and it's crazy. The sounds you're hearing echo and it's like you're somewhere else entirely. One time it was like I was floating through a really dark tunnel. I kind of like it, but it's almost a little scary too. Kind of like a roller coaster, I guess. It reminds me of when we all used to pass ourselves out in middle school. You're awake, then you're not, then you are again, only a little spaced out for a few seconds. And there's this feeling that you dreamed something, but you can't remember it. I think one time I dreamed about a forest but I might have just been looking at the TV? I don't know if I'll keep doing them, but I want to at least try them stoned. We finally ran out of hash! :(

MD was over until like 5:30 again, haha. I think we're a bad influence on each other. Neither of us seem to feel tired at night so we just stay up really late and pay for it in the morning. But we talked about a lot of stuff. I really like hanging out with him and having someone I feel comfortable enough to actually talk to. With most people it's small talk, how are you today, what have you been up to lately, how's work, how's school, how's your boyfriend, been to any good shows lately? So it's cool to have someone around that I can talk about important things with who won't just dismiss it as silly little kid problems or say I just worry too much about things.

Anyway. It is time to sort laundry. I'm going to actually do it today, for real, I am going to do as much of my laundry as I can. I mean it!

3:26 p.m. - 2006-11-12

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