This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (No title) Interesting day. I was able to get out of bed before 7:40 and was actually feeling okay at work this morning. Pretty weird. Then it was lunch time. I had fourteen dollars in cash so I was going to withdraw a little from the bank. Only I have some sort of bank phobia. I walked up to the door, peered into the window, and walked back to my car. At this point I was pretty pissed off because I can't figure out why I can't just get over it and make the damn withdrawal. And then I went to Burger King, to get fries. I got a King Size, because I figured I'd spill some. Sure enough, I dropped the fucking bag on the floor, burned my hand trying to pick up the scalding french fries, and swore out loud several times before walking out the door with my remaining fries. Even more pissed, I proceeded to drive back to work behind the slowest motorists in town. Once back at work, I mostly stopped feeling angry and started feeling really, really depressed. I threw the fries away because they were disgusting and burnt and too greasy (there goes two dollars and three cents of what little cash I had to begin with) and just sat in the break room for a while. I actually cried a little bit, but my head was resting on my arm so my face was hidden. Hopefully nobody noticed, because the last thing I need is for everyone to think I'm even more crazy than they already do. I don't even know where it came from, other than it being a certain time of the month. I just felt horrible. This mood continued for the duration of my shift. Like, I can't even describe what this felt like. It was like being in a constant state of about to cry. Then I went to the gas station! That actually lifted my mood for a bit because the cute guy was working, and he let me write a check so I could keep my cash, and he talked to me about my Rocko's Modern Life shirt and that was pretty awesome. Then a guy hit on me in the parking lot, and when I ignored him he hit on another girl, and she was stupid enough to fall for it, I guess. But it pissed me off because he clearly didn't mean it with me, and probably didn't mean it with her either, and she probably is going to end up sleeping with him because girls are stupid. I told Mark I didn't feel up to going to his parents' house to play video games tonight, so we ate dinner instead. After that I was feeling better and decided I would go after all, so I followed him out there. Mark's family is pretty cool, especially his little brother. We watched South Park and played Guitar Hero! I played a little and that game is infuriating. I can't get my fingers to do what my brain wants them to do. I played on easy mode the whole time, and it was still too hard. I'm glad Mark talked me into going. I would have just stayed at home and felt sorry for myself, and probably gotten really paranoid all by myself because Lauren and Andrew are both at home for Thanksgiving. I ended up having a lot of fun. Mark is a good friend for convincing me to not stay home and mope. Thanksgiving tomorrow! Tofurkey sandwiches and canned cranberry sauce, mmmm. 3:38 a.m. - 2006-11-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Damn it. He gives the best hugs. 2:03 a.m. - 2006-11-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (No title) I have decided I like The Amps. It's one of Kim Deal's bands after the Pixies split. Kim Deal is pretty cool, apparently. I pretty much don't like my old friends anymore. I have become my asshole friends in high school who ditched me for cooler people. KH embarrasses me, especially if she happens to bring JT along because she's even more awkward than KH. JD is just pissing me off. He fucks with me and tries to get me to believe all the shit that he says, then he says, "Nah, I'm just kidding" or "Haha, you know I'm just trying to piss you off, right?" It's like, I already have a hard time believing anything anyone says to me anymore, and then he goes and fucks with me like that. And I told him that, and he was like, "It's not that big a deal, I fuck with everyone! Don't get a little teenager attitude on me." That's what bothers me, is every time I try to talk about serious things with him he acts like his problems are a thousand times more important than mine, like everything I'm dealing with is silly little kid stuff. I'm supposed to spend a weekend with him next month, but I can't help thinking that I won't have a very good time. I guess as long as JK's there, it should be okay. The thing that gets me is I don't really miss my old friends. Like, NS I miss, even though I don't think she misses me because I'm always the one who has to call her. But I'm tired of KH and I'm getting tired of JD too, and he's even picked up on it. I told him I had to go take a shower (which in all honesty I can't do until the towels are dry, which will take at least another hour). And he said, "Lately you seem to have a lot of excuses to stop talking to me." And he is absolutely right. I guess I feel guilty for not missing them, and for wanting to keep them separate from my new friends here. Hey you know what? I blog too much. 7:46 p.m. - 2006-11-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is not good. I am not supposed to like MD this much. I feel so comfortable around him. That almost never happens. I can talk to him about almost anything, without feeling like he'll try to minimize whatever problem I might be talking about. When he comes over we both lie down on the couch with our heads on pillows in the middle, facing opposite directions so that our legs rest on the arms of the couch, and it feels so good to be that close to him. We have this thing now where we poke each other when we're not expecting it. It's kind of like a really immature way of flirting, at least on my part. I just want to be all touchy-feely with him, but I can't, so I guess that's how the poking got started. He usually stays over really late, even if we're not stoned. And when it's time to go, he kind of lingers for a few minutes. We're both the type that hate saying goodbye, I think, and we both don't like to be alone. When he said bye tonight he kind of stretched his arms out and I was standing really close to him, and it looked like he was about to hug me and for a second I almost did, but if he was just stretching that would have been really awkward, so I kept walking toward my room. This is so wrong but I'm kind of hoping that the trip to Europe changed HB, and either MD won't want to be with her anymore, or she won't want to be with him. It's so wrong and selfish for me to think like that because they both really love each other and seem to make each other really happy, and I don't want to take that away from either of them. But I want to be happy too. But even if they did break up, they still live together, and they're both friends with LH and AF, so it would be terrible for me to try and pursue him anyway. I need to find someone to take my mind off of him. The thing is, over the last couple of weeks, I don't care that much about meeting someone anymore. Like, I still have that little bit of unreasonable hope when a cute guy comes to my register or when someone smiles at me on the street, but I'm not actively looking or scoping out guys or anything. I don't even bother to put on makeup for work anymore. Why bother? I can't apply it properly and even if I could, I've been wearing makeup for years and people have never found me attractive. What's the point? The only guys who are ever attracted to me are losers who can't get a decent looking girl. Example: TL. I'm pretty sure he's over three hundred pounds. I just can't be attracted to someone that big. He's good looking for a big guy, but I couldn't have sex with him. Second example: JF. He obviously has a crush on me, and he is unattractive and socially awkward and his wife cheated on him multiple times. These are the kind of guys who are willing to settle for less, and that is exactly what I am. What sucks is that I usually talk to MD about stuff that's bothering me, but I can't talk to him about this because it would completely destroy the friendship, and make things really awkward between me and HB when she comes home. 3:34 a.m. - 2006-11-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||