This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page.

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(No title)

I really wish I could shake this feeling that everyone secretly can't stand me.

I pretty much have zero self esteem tonight.

8:12 p.m. - 2006-12-01

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(No title)

LH posted this survey in a Myspace bulletin, but I hate bulletins, but I like surveys because I enjoy talking about myself. Nobody ever reads anyone else's survey answers, but they are almost always willing to fill them out.

(Red)
1.Closest red thing to you?
My fuzzy slippers.

2. Has anyone ever cheated on you in a relationship?
Yes, first DMark, then RF. I didn't care much about DMark. Or RF for that matter, but for some reason it really got to me that he cheated.

3. Last thing to make you angry?
Driving home on slippery roads with some guy in a truck riding my ass.

4. Are you a fan of romance?
Not really. There's a difference between being sweet and considerate and being romantic. I don't need flowers and candles and stuff like that. It usually seems really cheesy and phony to me.

5. Have you ever been in love?
Nope.

6. Do you have a temper?
Yes, but I usually hold it in.

(Green)
1. Closest green thing to you?
My green sweater.

2. Do you care about the environment?
Yes, but I don't do nearly as much as I should.

3. Are you jealous of anyone right now?
I'm jealous of pretty girls, people who are comfortable in social situations, people who are in relationships, smart people, people who can play musical instruments, and motivated people.

4. Are you a lucky person?
Sometimes? Sometimes it seems like everything goes wrong at the same time, and sometimes it's the opposite.

5. Do you always want what you can't have?
Sometimes.

(Purple)
1. Last purple thing you saw?
My size G crochet hook.

2. Like being treated to expensive things?
I'm more interested in value than price.

3. Do you like mysterious things?
Sometimes, but sometimes I don't like them if they are so mysterious that I can't figure them out.

4. Favorite type of chocolate?
Dark.

5. Ever met anyone in royalty?
No but my friend NS always swore she is distantly related to Princess Di.

6. Are you creative?
Sometimes.

7. Are you lonely?
Almost always.

(Yellow)
1. Closest yellow thing to you?
A pencil.

2. The happiest time[s] of your life?
I don't know. There's not one happiest time. When I feel really happy, it feels like the happiest time of my life every time I feel that way.

3. Favorite holiday?
I used to say Halloween, but I'm starting to wonder if maybe it's not Christmas. Or actually, maybe I don't really like holidays that much. I'm indifferent, I guess.

4. Are you a coward?
Yes.

5. Do you burn or tan?
I don't know, I wear SPF 60 sunblock if I know I'm going to be in the sun for extended periods of time.

6. Do you want children?
Noooooooo.

7. What makes you feel warm and safe?
Being held. :(

(Blue)
1. Closest blue thing to you?
My eyes. If that doesn't count, my underwear.

2. Are you good at calming people down?
I don't think so. I think all my worrying and/or lack of people skills actually make it worse.

3. Do you like the sea?
It's all right. I've only been to the Gulf of Mexico. Doesn't really seem right to call that the sea.

4. What was the last thing that made you cry?
Thinking too much about things.

5. Are you a logical thinker?
Probably not.

6. Can you sleep easily?
Usually.

7. Do you prefer the beach or the woods?
Probably the woods.

(Pink)
1. Closest pink thing to you?
My bra.

2. Like sweet things?
As in candy? YES.

3. Like play-fighting?
Probably not, because I am a weak little girl and when someone play hits me it hurts for real.

4. Are you sensitive?
Yes, but I try not to let people catch on.

5. Do you like punk music?
Ooooold punk. I'm talking seventies, not eighties.

6. What is your favorite flower?
Lilac. It reminds me of my mom.

(Orange)
1. Closest orange thing to you?
A skein of yarn.

2. Do you like to burn things?
Heck yes.

3. Dress up for Halloween?
Haha I half-assed a 90s grunge costume.

4. Like the Fall time?
I prefer summer.

5. Do you prefer the single life or the security of a relationship?
No. When I'm single all I feel is overwhelming loneliness, and when I'm in a relationship I feel trapped.

So that was fun! Anyway. My emotions have been weird lately. One day I'm crying, the next I'm freakishly happy, to the point where people are commenting about how energetic I'm acting. Today I'm neutral, though.

It snowed/sleeted (is that a word?) today. After work I went to Target to get an ice scraper for my windshield, but they were out, so I had to go to Walmart. I had left my phone in my car at Target and my mom called twice to make sure I got home okay. But when I tried to call her my phone's batteries died. Which of course freaked her out more. But I needed an ice scraper more desperately than I needed another nagging conversation with my mom, so I went to Walmart and when I got home I plugged in my phone and called my mom, and when I got off the phone it beeped at me. I had just received three voice messages, from when my phone was dead. All from my mom, all increasingly angry at me for not calling her back. My mom is crazy.

I'm bored tonight. :(

11:26 p.m. - 2006-11-29

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(No title)

I got drunk the other night! MD had a party (only a few people showed up, and three of them got bored and left) and I was already stoned, so I decided what the hell, might as well drink too. KB made me a really strong drink and it tasted terrible, but I finally managed to drink it all and I got a pretty good buzz. Then he mixed me another drink and it also tasted terrible, but it was enough to get me drunk. It was pretty fun. I got a lot more outgoing. I'm a cuddly drunk, apparently. I was sitting pretty close to KB, haha. It doesn't surprise me because I'm a pretty cuddly person, I just don't usually get too close to people physically, because I don't want to make them uncomfortable.

Lately I haven't been feeling as depressed as I had been. I've felt better at work, and I haven't felt as lonely. Tonight, not so much though. I started thinking about things like couples and how the idea of romantic love is so unbelievable to me, and I don't know. Like, I don't understand how people can spend years with one person. I don't understand feeling so strongly about one person that you would be willing to dedicate your entire life to them. I feel like I'm incapable of loving someone like that, or even just getting really close to someone.

My last two boyfriends were really just fuck buddies. Like, I cared about them for a couple of weeks, and then we started messing around all the time, and then we didn't even care about each other anymore. I can't connect love and sex like most people. Sex to me has nothing to do with love. I really don't even care that much about sex anymore. I don't need it, I just would like someone to hold onto me instead, really. I guess that's what's bothering me tonight.

"Souvlaki Space Station" by Slowdive is the most amazing song ever.

9:07 p.m. - 2006-11-27

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(No title)

Today I feel like everything is okay. It's not true, everything is definitely not okay, but at least today it's not bothering me. It's the day after Thanksgiving, and instead of being tired and grouchy at work, I was feeling happy and energetic and friendly. I got to leave at 12:30 instead of 2:00, and on the way home I could not stop smiling. I even forgot to go to the bank, and normally that would piss me off but I just laughed at myself. Seriously, what the fuck? I am certainly not going to complain about feeling so content about everything, but this is definitely out of the ordinary.

I don't know why I'm in such a good mood but I am loving it.

1:18 pm. - 2006-11-24

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