This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I wish you would step back from that ledge I'm not happy today at all. HB is coming back from Europe. MD and LH are picking her up right now, probably already on their way back, actually. I'm pretty much over having a crush on MD. He's like my best friend now. Now I'm mostly sad because it's not going to be the same with him and LH. The three of us kind of had our own mini group. But I just realized that it was really the three of them that had the group, and I was just filling in for HB while she was gone. HB is MD's girlfriend, and LH's best friend. What good am I now that she's back? Their friends are having a party tonight, and I'm supposed to go. I am wanting to go less and less. It's going to be just like the last party because I'm in a bad mood, feeling sorry for myself. I'm still going, though. Maybe I'll pre-drink. I started crying again today while I was masturbating in the shower, because I was thinking about JBeg, and how blank and empty I always feel when we fool around. I'm so scared that it will always be that way, that when I have sex I'll always just feel numb inside. I don't believe that sex has to be between people who are in love, but I wish I was at least able to feel it. I don't think I'm capable of loving, or being loved for that matter. Nobody really cares about me except my family. I can't imagine people talking about me the way MD and LH talk about HB. I don't think people miss me much when I'm gone. It's not like LH, always saying "I miss HB!" and "I'm so excited, one more day until she gets back!" I just don't think I have that kind of impact on people. My self esteem has actually gotten worse. I pretty much hate myself lately. I hate my hair, my face, my skin, my body, but even worse, I hate my personality. I feel so stupid sometimes when I talk to my room mates and their friends. I feel like everything I say is a mistake. And I feel like everyone I come into contact with thinks I'm stupid and obnoxious and unattractive. I've actually been thinking about suicide a little bit lately. Like, I wouldn't do it, but for a brief second the thought will pop into my head and almost sound like a good solution to things. I just don't feel like things are getting better, and I'm starting to think maybe that won't ever happen. I don't know if it's the weed or the depression or both, but I can't focus on anything, I almost feel high sometimes even when I haven't smoked, and I can't carry on a conversation without getting sidetracked. Nothing feels real. It feels like I'm watching my life on TV. 5:46 p.m. - 2006-12-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (No title) Today was not as terrible as yesterday. Still bad, though. I felt tired and depressed and pissed off all day. I'm pretty sure I have PMS right now. Actually I'm starting to wonder if I have PMDD. Because every month for a week or so I feel like I'm losing my mind. I get so depressed and hopeless I'll almost start to think it's not worth it. And I get so angry. I can't handle stress and I feel nervous sometimes for no reason. I don't think that's regular PMS. LH and AF are spending the weekend in KC, and MD is leaving tomorrow night and probably coming home on Saturday. It's going to be weird. I don't like being alone in the apartment. LH's getting me some weed, but I don't know if I can handle smoking by myself. Hopefully she won't leave until Saturday and we can hang out tomorrow night. She wants to watch a stoner movie. If that doesn't work out, MD should be back Saturday and we are going to get super ridiculously stoned. I think I will buy whippets? One of my managers is throwing a party on Saturday. I don't want to go. I'd maybe be okay with it, except she invited JF. She said she thinks he'll forget to show up, but I don't know. I don't want to risk having to explain to him why I never answer his calls or text messages. I also really don't think I can handle a party. She said she expects a lot of people to come, and I won't know most of them, and they'll probably be in their late twenties or early thirties. I'd definitely be the youngest one there. I'm probably going to tell her tomorrow that I won't be attending because I'm uncomfortable around large groups of people. I am going to bed early tonight. 12:24 a.m. - 2006-12-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (No title) Worst. So I called and told them I would be late, and got there ten minutes late to find that the door had not been opened and people were walking away. Got back to the break room to find everyone back there eating McDonald's breakfast. Soooo McDonald's is more important than making sure customers can get into the store. Whatever, it wasn't that big a deal, I let it go. An hour or so later, it is suddenly Stay-At-Home-Mother-of-a-Screaming-Two-Year-Old-Craft-Supply-Shopping0-Day. Seriously, nothing but those scary, perky, cutesy, stay at home moms were shopping at Michaels, and almost none of their children seemed to be in the mood for shopping for craft stuff. But whatever, a minor annoyance, stay at home moms gotta shop too, as annoying as they are. I'm not saying I hate all of them, I just don't like the ones that are all "I'm so cute and chipper and I spent an hour doing my hair and I stay at home with my children so that makes me better than moms who work!" And those are the kind who usually shop at Michaels. But I digress. So then it was super busy, and I was helping people and they all thought things were on sale when they really weren't, and the phone kept ringing and I was just getting really stressed out, counting down the minutes to my break, and then AC left for the bank with the office specialist, but it was already her lunch time. So they got back 20 minutes later (and mind you they did not just go to the bank, they got food somewhere, on the clock) and she clocked out for lunch, ten minutes before I was supposed to clock out for mine. NH and this other girl LM had left for lunch together, which is not allowed, an hour earlier and still weren't back. At that point I told the other cashier that she could go to lunch before me and I would just take a long one when she got back, but she still had to wait for AC to get back, or NH, whichever happened first. When AC came back I said something like, "Hey, not trying to be a bitch but can you please try to take your lunch on time, I know you forget but it's making us late." And she looked at me like I was stupid and said, "I had to go with SM." And I was like, "I know, nevermind, I shouldn't have said anything," and started crying right in front of the customer I was checking out. So I finished checking her out and excused myself to the restroom because at that point I couldn't stop. I went back to the register a few minutes later and NH and LM came back. They ended up getting back an hour and a half after they'd left, actually no, probably later than that. LM had some bullshit excuse about running out of gas, and Tish was like, "But you both have cell phones." Tish was on my register and I took over, and she asked if I was okay. But I have this thing where if people ask if I'm okay and try to get me to talk about whatever has just upset me, I start crying again. So Tish let me go to lunch and told me that when I came back I didn't have to be on register and instead I could just help AC. I took a long lunch and went to the Burger King on 6th because it is farther away, and then went back to work and ate my fries in the break room. They were delicious. After lunch I was better! Tish told AR to call NH to the registers for backup instead of me, and it pissed NH off pretty bad, which made me pretty happy because now she knows how frustrating it is when nobody comes up when they're called. For a long time it really bothered me that NH probably didn't like me, but now I'm pretty sure I don't care. I don't dislike her or anything, it's LM who causes all the problems really, I just hate how NH and everyone else seem to think they're more important than me and have more value than me. Because that's bullshit and I deserve just as much respect and appreciation as anyone else who works there. I decided I am not going to sign up for benefits through work after all. I'm going to look for work elsewhere, and hopefully get benefits through my new job, or if that's not an option, just get them from somewhere else. And then I am going to get some counseling because I am long overdue. 6:07 p.m. - 2006-12-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (No title) Oh my god, if none of my relatives get me Slowdive's Souvlaki album for Christmas, I will cry. Or just go buy it the day after Christmas, whatever. Mellon Yellow is an amazing song. I love shoegaze. Crochet is infuriating. 8:54 p.m. - 2006-12-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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