This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (No title) I went to a party last night and this time it wasn't terrifying! I almost didn't go, but then I decided I'd drink before I left so that way I wouldn't care about all the people. LH mixed this really strong drink and I was really drunk before we even left LJ's house. At the party I talked to several people and I wasn't nervous at all. We all went back to LJ's house to order pizza, but LH didn't join us because she was talking to a guy. A guy who is very attractive and nineteen years old, and I think that is unfair that LH gets the guy who is the same age as me and she doesn't even want a relationship when I kind of do want one, but I guess it's finders keepers, right? At LJ's I actually talked to AF, like really talked to him for the first time. It's cool because I was kind of disappointed in how Andrew and I aren't really close friends or anything, even though we live together. So now I guess I feel more like we're friends, and not just room mates. Also, LH got weed! So we smoked, after that guy left. Did I mention she brought him home? I don't think I did. We scared him off. I feel kind of bad. But anyway, he sold her some really good stuff and we smoked and then MD came over. He had walked all the way from LJ's house in the pooring rain. He smoked a little, and we all stayed up until after 6:00, then LH and I went to bed and MD passed out on the couch. It was an enjoyable night! 1:32 p.m. - 2006-12-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (No title) Yeah, I realize now that last night was ridiculous. I went completely crazy over nothing. I didn't even want to go to the party in the first place, except I was looking forward to meeting all of their friends they kept talking about. But I wasn't upset about the party at all, it was just that my abandonment and trust issues got the best of me. And just everything else that's been bothering me lately, the low self esteem, work problems, loneliness, it all added up and I guess I finally just freaked out. Like I said, I'm going to talk to my mom about it, but I don't want to ruin her Christmas by making her worry, so I'll wait a few days. I definitely need some counselling, and I'm starting to think maybe some medication. I've been distrustful of antidepressants because I've been on Zoloft before, and it did nothing. And then there's the thing about how antidepressants actually make teens more suicidal. Does nineteen still count as a teen? I don't know. But I need to do something about this because I do not like feeling the way I felt last night. 11:15 a.m. - 2006-12-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (No title) So I called a suicide hotline, and they put me on hold. What an effective prevention strategy. They assured me that my call was important. I wasn't going to do anything, because I know suicide is not the answer. I just wanted somebody to talk to. Usually when I'm upset I talk to LH or MD, but I don't want to spoil their fun at the party. Plus, I figured the hotline could give me information about getting help. I am going to talk to my mom, for real this time, sit down and have a serious talk with her and ask her if she and my dad can pay for counseling. But I'm going to wait until after Christmas. 12:50 p.m. - 2006-12-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (No title) Wow, I feel really depressed today. I can't stop thinking terrible things about myself. I feel so ugly and stupid and like nobody in their right mind would want to be around me. I keep thinking about how I can't seem to get close to people, and I feel like I'm a burden to everyone I know. I can't stop thinking about things like this today and I tried to sleep just to give my mind a break, but I couldn't. I feel like everything is out of my control and there's nothing I can do about it. 9:08 p.m. - 2006-12-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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