This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(No title)

I have this constant debate in my mind over whether I'm really depressed or if I'm just whiny and it's all in my head. I don't know if I actually have depression and need medication, or if I'm just dissatisfied with my life and I'd be able to be happy if certain things changed. I guess another way to say it is, I don't know if the cause of my unhappiness is from certain aspects of my life, or if the illness is just making those aspects more depressing to me than they should be, if that makes sense. I don't know, I'm high right now.

Yeah, it's almost 2:00 and I just started smoking. I'm kind of wondering if I should just call in sick to work tomorrow, or pretend I overslept. I didn't plan on smoking so late, but I was watching a movie with HB and LJ, and I went home before it was over so I could chill out on the internet for a little while and then get some sleep. But it's like as soon as I'm away from my friends (and increasingly often, even when I'm still with my friends) I go back to thinking really negative thoughts about myself and my life and my future. So I decided to load a bowl, take a few hits so I could relax and sleep sooner, and save the rest for some tomorrow. Only I took bigger hits than I thought, and now I'm really stoned. I am going to be a zombie tomorrow at work.

The good news, though, is that I don't feel depressed anymore! Or at least I don't care that I feel depressed right now. Which is actually probably bad, I've kind of been doing that a lot lately, smoking to forget about being unhappy. I probably ought to cut back.

Man, I remember now why I stopped buying whipits. I bought a box the other day and have done a few, and I did one tonight and as usual I thought I went to some other place, and then I thought I was dying, but I was okay with it and I felt peaceful and free. That started happening a while back, I would kind of have dreams that I was sinking or falling, then dreams that I was drowning or dying in some other way, but allowing it. And then I come back from it feeling sad and ashamed that I would subconsciously associate death with peace.

Total subject change, but I miss my sister. I need to make a point to hang out with her more often. We were pretty close when I lived there, but now it's like instead of being around her and knowing everything about her day-to-day life, I'm just getting little updates here and there. I didn't know she was hanging out with MackM again, and I didn't know she was taking dance lessons and a couple of other sports, until my mom told me. It's just little things like that that aren't really important in the big picture, but it makes me sad that I don't find out about stuff like that anymore. I miss her, I miss her psycho friends, and I miss singing along to the Pixies in the car with her. She needs to come over next weekend. I will once again triumph at Mariokart.

1:21 a.m. - 2007-01-29

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(No title)

The apartment is so quiet without Lauren. And there are only two cats. That's what finally hit me last night. I was petting Calvin and I thought, I'm going to miss Lauren's cats. And then I realized this is real and she is not going to live here anymore, and every time I think about it I start crying. She's my best friend and I don't know what I'm going to do without her. They let me off work at 2:00 today and I was so excited because I thought maybe she'd still be here and I could say goodbye, and when I got home I thought she was just visiting someone because most of her stuff is still in her room, but then an hour later I realized I hadn't seen Abby or Calvin and the pet carrier was gone, her toothbrush was gone, her bath products were all gone and I almost started crying right in front of Andrew. I miss her so much. I didn't even realize it would affect me so badly. All this time I was freaking out about my inability to feel close to anybody, and then this happens and it's like, I feel so lonely without her here to talk to. I didn't know I was so attached until she was about to leave.

10:14 p.m. - 2007-01-12

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(No title)

Everything just keeps getting worse and worse. I don't feel like it's ever going to get better. Every time I start thinking my life is getting better, something changes and it goes right back to the way it was. People don't get why I'm a pessimist. It's because being pessimistic is safe. You don't get your hopes up, you know it's going to get worse again, you know you're going to fail and everybody else is going to fail you. Every time I've expected something good to happen, I've been disappointed. Every relationship I've expected to work out has failed miserably, every good thing that happens to me seems to eventually lead to bad things, and the bad usually outweighs the good. Every time I have a little bit of hope for something, I end up getting let down and I'm done hoping, I am done trying to look on the positive side, I am going to expect the worst because that's the only thing I can really count on.

11:53 p.m. - 2007-01-10

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What the fuck is wrong with everyone

LH wants to be crazy. She wants to be bipolar. She is not bipolar. She is depressed, she definitely has self esteem and identity issues, but she is not bipolar. Freaking out and cleaning the apartment is not a manic episode. SHE IS SUCH A FUCKING ATTENTION WHORE. It's like, she sees her sister getting attention for it, so now suddenly she's bipolar, only I thought manic episodes and depressive episodes were supposed to last for long periods of time, not switch back and forth every day. She is trying to be like this and I have never been so pissed off at her.

I know she has serious issues and I'm not trying to be insensitive, and I'm not trying to be selfish, but I've got problems too. I am so goddamned depressed lately. I cry pretty much every day, and I have been thinking about suicide increasingly often. I am not making it up because mental illness is trendy now. I tried to convince myself that I was fine, that I was just whiny and nothing was really wrong other than the fact that I was a pussy who couldn't handle stress. It was not true. I am miserable, lonely, I hate myself and I am completely dissatisfied with my life and I don't feel like it's getting any better and nobody fucking cares.

She is over at MD and HB's right now, I'm sure crying her eyes out, talking about how she just can't handle it, and she can't function anymore. I drag myself out of bed every goddamned morning and go to work, feel like crying all day but hold it back, come home to be basically ignored by my room mates and friends.

MD and HB do shit with LH all the time and LH doesn't even fucking like HB anymore. MD was like my best friend, at least I thought that's where it was heading anyway, and now it's like he's dropped off the face of the earth. I just want a goddamn friend! Why is that too much to ask? Why is everyone else more important than me?

I seriously thought I was actually getting close to MD, and I was actually letting someone in, I mean really being honest and letting him in. As soon as HB got back, I don't think I've hung out with just him at all. It's always MD and HB, or even worse, MD and HB and LH, and they're BFFs!!! I can't talk to him anymore. I don't even know if I want to let him in, because I don't think he wants me to, really. He was just lonely without his girlfriend so I was a substitute for a while. I feel neglected and abandoned.

I think about suicide every day now. Yesterday, for example. The night before I decided to do myself a favor and go to bed at 11:30 instead of 2:30. MD called me at 12 something, my cat woke me up because she was out of food an hour later, then in the morning she did it again because she had no water, then I had to pee, then there was a garbage truck outside, then I was too hungry to fall back asleep. So I started off the day thinking, why bother trying to do something good for myself? I was exhausted and disoriented and my head felt hazy all day at work, and I wanted to cry or throw up or go home. I told myself after feeling like shit all morning I deserved JJ's for lunch. Only when I got there, I'm pretty sure I saw JF walk in. So No JJ's. Again, I'm thinking, why bother doing something good for myself? Just the little things like that add up all day, and it's like, things shouldn't affect me like this.

And it never gets better. I'll start thinking it's getting better, like when I thought I had a real friend in MD, and then it goes right back to being shitty again. I just get my hopes up, and then later I'm disappointed.

I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore. It has no direction. I guess I'm done tonight.

11:00 p.m. - 2007-01-10

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

latest entry

about me

archives

notes

DiaryLand

contact

random entry

other diaries: