This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (No title) Today has been so much better than yesterday. I went to my grandparents' house and it was nice to see them again after a couple of weeks of not going out there. Also my aunt had left my birthday present out there because she wasn't there for my birthday, and it was Super Mario 64 for DS! Which is sooooo much fun to play. Then I went to my parents' house and got to see my sisters, and that was all right too, nothing to exciting. Then I went to Hastings to see if they had a used copy of Katamari (they didn't) and I bought a Soundgarden CD which mostly sucks so far but also contains one of the awesomest songs ever, so it kind of works out I guess? I don't know what the deal was last night. I've noticed that it usually works that way; I'll have a horrible day and just feel unbelievably depressed, and the next day I'll look back on it and I can't even remember what was upsetting me so much, or if I do remember the reason, it will seem really childish and unimportant to me. I don't know. Hopefully MD and HB will have pot, but it's already 9:46 so it's not looking up. I'd be okay with not smoking tonight, though, and just going to bed early. But still, hopefully there is pot. 9:36 p.m. - 2007-04-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (No title) Well hey, nevermind. I went over to MD and HB's and my day got much, much worse. Like I think this is the most depressed I've been in a really long time. I just hate myself so much. First I was bitchy because they got to eat pot brownies and I didn't, because I declined their invitation to go out to eat with them so I wasn't at the herb store with them either when ML gave them the brownies. They did salvia and I didn't want to because AF was there totally sober, and they just didn't get it that it really freaked me out. I'm worried enough about people laughing at me and judging me and thinking I'm crazy when I'm sober, imagine what they'd think while I was hallucinating. But whatever, I got over being in a bad mood because I went home to get honey for the tea and took some resin hits and did a whipit even though I said I wouldn't do them anymore. I wanted to be high and whipits usually help intensify the tiny high I get from resin hits. So I was feeling more relaxed and just generally happier, and I went back with the honey and they made the tea, only after we drank it we realized it was the wrong tea. It was just regular tea, not the kind that's supposed to mellow you out and stuff. So whatever. Then AF and MD went to get food but I didn't have any money because I am too stupid to know how to open the mailbox so I didn't get my paycheck cashed before the bank closed today, so I didn't have them bring me back anything. Plus the mood I was in at that point, I was thinking crazy, and was like, I don't deserve JJ's. I took advantage of their absence and took a couple of hits of salvia, and it was fucking ridiculous. I saw things, I don't even know what. At one point it looked like these tiny little things were moving across the floor in a line, and I thought I was moving. And I tried really hard not to talk because I knew I'd say something crazy and HB was still there. I remember even asking her if I'd been quiet the whole time, or if I was actually saying all the crazy shit I was thinking out loud. It was a horrible idea to do the salvia tonight because I am just hating myself so much, there was no way it was going to turn out positively. I ended up just feeling really depressed afterward, and I was really hungry and mad at myself for not asking MD to get me food and just paying him back later, so I went home for food. Only as soon as I got home I realized I had left my phone charging at their apartment, and I was so mad at myself I threw my purse at the wall and actually screamed out loud. I went all the way back there, got my phone, and of course, as if I don't already fuck up everything I do, I bumped my head on the desk while I was unplugging the charger. And I threw a little tantrum in front of everybody and was like "God damn it!" and now they all think I'm even crazier. So that is the kind of mood I'm in tonight. I jinxed myself earlier today when I wrote about being in a good mood. That's what I get. The craziest thing is that more and more I'm starting to feel like I deserve all this. Like I'll think stuff like "Don't eat that, you don't even deserve it," or "It's okay that they got pot brownies and you didn't, you deserve it for not going with them," or "Don't go with them, you don't deserve their company." I'm losing my fucking mind and it just keeps getting worse and worse. I'm not even PMSing anymore, it didn't go away this time. What the fuck is wrong with me? 1:47 a.m. - 2007-04-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (No title) I feel pretty decent today? First time in weeks, I think. Just wanted to document a positive day, or at least a neutral one. 06:27 p.m. - 2007-04-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's never going to stop. I can't imagine not feeling like this. Like, I try to imagine myself after therapy, happy and satisfied with my life, and confident. And I just can't see it. Last weekend LH had people over because her mom was out of town, and we made sangria. I ended up getting a lot more drunk than everyone else, and everyone was talking about politics and it went on for hours, and I felt so stupid. I ended up going into the living room to watch TV with LH, and for some reason went back into the dining room later and said something to HB about not wanting to talk about politics because it made me feel stupid, and because I just really don't like myself as a person. And then I went back into the living room. Which of course led to her questioning me, and then MD came in too, and I cried and told everyone to leave me alone and that I'd be fine. Then yesterday I almost cried at a restaurant because HB was doing her stupid "Will someone share dessert with me" thing again, and this time I called her out on it, and she was like "Why are you being so mean in front of all these people?" Well, HB, if you weren't such a goddamned girl all the time, maybe I wouldn't feel compelled to be bitchy about it. She whines all the time about the dumbest shit ever. And she manipulates MD into doing things for her. She always has to win the argument. MD just gives in because he knows it'll shut her up. Meanwhile, I never get to hang out with just MD anymore. I hang out with just HB pretty often, but anytime MD's around, HB is hanging off his arm, whining about wanting to do this or see that movie or listen to this song or eat that food. I kind of don't want to be friends with her anymore, but if that happened, I know I'd have to say goodbye to MD too because she's so fucking controlling. And she disapproves of my decision not to go to college. I really don't think I'd make it and she just doesn't get that. She thinks I'm wasting my potential. What she doesn't understand is that I really don't have much potential. Or I do, but why does it have to be spent on college? Why is college the only acceptable option? She tries to act like she's all open-minded but really she's a lot more mainstream than she thinks. Yeah, maybe I still have feelings for MD. It's complicated. It feels like forever since HB was in Europe and he was hanging out with me all the time. I almost forget sometimes what it was like, but then when I do remember how much fun I had with him, and how we actually talked about real stuff instead of just being silly all the time. I needed someone to talk to and he was the only person who was really willing to be there for me at the time, and now he's not anymore. I used to think this was his doing, but now I'm thinking he'd like to spend more time just one on one with me, but HB always has to tag along. And it's not like I can say "No, mutual friend of both me and MD, don't come over tonight! I only want to hang out with your boyfriend!" Tonight he came over to do some laundry and he said he was off to play Guitar Hero, and I wanted to say, "No, don't go!" I've been so lonely and unhappy lately and I just wanted someone to talk to, I don't even know what I would have said, I just didn't want to be alone. And I want to call him or text him and see if I can come over, but I really don't want to be around HB. If she calls tonight though, I'll probably go over there anyway, because I don't want to be alone. I'm so tired of being unhappy. I've been thinking really self-destructive thoughts lately. The other night I couldn't fall asleep and ended up lying awake until five or five thirty, and then couldn't fall asleep after work. And I thought, I should start taking sleeping pills, even when I'm not having trouble sleeping, so I can just fall asleep anytime I don't feel like dealing with shit. And sometimes I throw up on purpose, like if I have acid reflux or whatever, or if I ate too much and feel uncomfortably full, just to relieve the physical pain a little bit. But then I think, it's so easy to throw up, I could do this all the time and not gain so much weight. And sometimes I think about which suicide method is the best for me, or what I'd write in the note. It just seems like things keep getting worse and worse. I don't know anymore whether what I'm feeling is the result of PMS or just for no reason. It was really bad this month, but I got my period this morning and I still feel just as bad as I did yesterday. It's just constant now. 10:08 p.m. - 2007-04-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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