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What the fuck?

Tonight should have been fun. Tonight wasn't fun because my friends are whiny little bitches. MD and HB have only been back for a few days, and the whole time I've spent with them, they've been arguing about the dumbest shit ever. HB will ask MD to do something that she could just as easily do herself, and MD will be mean to her about it, rather than just telling her to do it herself. Or vice versa. They have the same goddamned argument fifty times every day.

And we were going to make sangria tonight. MD and AF went out and bought the wine and some other stuff. I was hungry, so HB ordered a pizza. I paid. We realized we forgot ginger ale. Nobody wanted to go to the store, so I went. HB bitched because she didn't want to come over to our apartment, even though hers is a fucking wreck right now and there's nowhere for anyone to sit. Then MD forgot to ask her to bring the alcohol, and bitched at her about that, and she bitched about bringing her laundry over. And then she had the fucking nerve to bitch about everyone else being pissy.

And to top it all off, I discovered after they just decided to not make sangria and go home, after wasting all night arguing and trying to acquire all the ingredients, that Tish and MM had called only fifteen minutes earlier, wanting to stop by. And of course by the time I called them back, they weren't in the neighborhood anymore.

HB can fuck around any night she wants. I get two nights a week that I actually get to stay up late and not have to worry about the next morning. I can't drink tomorrow night because I have to work 8:00 Sunday morning! I could have done something fun tonight and instead I spent it listening to the two of them bitch.

They need to break up. If they really made each other happy, they wouldn't feel the need to argue all the time about NOTHING. They're so goddamned dependent on each other, they won't do anything for themselves. Why does HB need MD to get her a glass of water? Why does MD need HB to go get something he forgot to ask her to get in the first place?

And why is it that when I'm in a bad mood, when I complain, I'm a bitch, but when HB complains, she's a victim? I am really starting to think I just don't like her. I definitely don't like them as a couple.

12:16 a.m. - 2007-06-09

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To Do list

To Do:

  • Buy larger trash can, also bigger trash bags.
  • Get Billy fixed, also get his shots and nametag.
  • Get new prescription for glasses, possibly look into trying contacts again?
  • Schedule long-overdue dental appointment.
  • Clean bedroom!!
  • Also finish unpacking from almost a year ago.
  • Call NS
  • E-mail JSines
  • Spend more time with BRS
  • Get therapy
  • Keep writing, it helps
  • Stop drinking pop.
  • Smoke less.
  • Party more.
  • Star reading again.
  • Schedule gynecologist appointment: BIRTH CONTROL!!! And ask about PMDD solutions.
  • Eat more protein, and less junk food.
  • Start taking more walks. A few times a week after work, maybe.
  • Work out downstairs.
  • Learn about politics.
  • Keep up with current events.
  • Improve self esteem.
  • Maintain self esteem.
  • Control road rage.
  • Visit JD.
  • Visit Grandma.
  • Start a yarn/pixel art website.
  • Learn to knit properly!!
  • Take a class. A craft class, an art class, a self defense class, anything that leads to self-improvement.
  • Knit MD's hat!!
  • Knit my mom a cabled scarf.
  • Eventually, get a one-bedroom apartment. Maybe next year...?
  • Make eye contact and smile, DO NOT look at the floor.
  • Remember that I am just as valuable as anyone else.
  • Try drawing more.
  • Finish all knitting/crochet projects, and use all the yarn in the stash.
  • Be more honest, and stop holding back.
  • Be better friends with AF
  • Keep in touch with Ben. He's actually pretty cool.
  • Listen to more Jimi Hendrix.
  • Decorate bathroom. Also, bedroom, living room, desk... And MAKE CURTAINS.
  • Conquer fear of... everything ever.
  • Start recycling.
  • Drive less.
  • Learn to cook!!
  • Socialize more.
  • Go to bed earlier, wake up earlier, eat breakfast every morning.
  • Take more pictures.
  • Finish Sims 2 legacies, as silly as they are.
  • Take better care of skin. STOP PICKING.
  • Also stop pulling split ends off of hair.
  • Eat more fruit.

9:51 p.m. - 2007-06-04

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(No title)

The first two panels of this comic explain, in a lot better words than I could manage to use, why I don't like discussing politics. Also it's funny!

But yeah, this is pretty much all my friends do in social situations. They talk about politics, and I'm stuck sitting there listening to it without having anything to say for myself. It makes me feel so stupid. Anyway, I just thought I'd post this as proof that I am not the only one who gets tired of talking about this all the time.

12:34 p.m. - 2007-05-19

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PMS again.

Every month it's the same thing. For a week, sometimes more, I am completely irrational, I hate myself even more than usual, and anytime something goes wrong I think about suicide. The stupidest little thing will happen, and I'll want to die. Today after work LH texted me and asked if I wanted to meet them at Local Burger. I have been craving one of their veggie burgers for weeks now, so I said yes, went home to change, and headed over to Local Burger in a really good mood. When I walked in, they weren't there yet, even though LH said they'd been there really soon. So I looked around, and everyone looked at me like "Are you lost, little girl?" I went back to my car, texted LH and she called me back to say that they were at MD's office, and they'd probably be there for a while. And I said I didn't feel like being in public at the moment so I was just going to go home. I want Local Burger so badly and I went home because I'm too fucking freaked out to sit alone and wait for my friends. It made me mad and when I hung up, I screamed "FUCKING IDIOTS!" and now all I can think about is whether or not the call had already been disconnected before I screamed that, because if it hadn't, now LH is going to think I'm completely crazy and she'll tell MD and HB and it's like, this is the whole reason I try to avoid people in the first place, because I always open my fucking mouth and say the dumbest fucking thing possible.

This is where the "I don't deserve it" thoughts enter. I don't deserve Local Burger, see, because I'm too much of a pussy to sit and wait for my friends and feel like everyone is looking at me. I don't deserve my friends because I freak out and blame them on things that are not their fault, and because they're smarter than me, better people than me, less awkward and fucked up than me.

An incident this stupid, this tiny, made me think about suicide. It's not the actual situation that's bothering me. It's totally normal for friends to be late every now and then. It's my insecurity, my complete lack of self esteem that makes me feel like this. I can't even sit in a restaurant! Why is this such a big deal to me? I just want to know why everything is so terrifying for me. Is it because my mom drilled it into my head that strangers are bad? Is it because of the way the kids at the baby-sitter's treated me, or the kids in school? Is it my brain chemistry? WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?

And HB's twenty-first birthday party is tonight. I have to go, or she'll get her feelings hurt. The mere thought of it makes me want to cry. I have to take a shower. I don't even want to do that! I just want to get stoned and listen to music and lock myself in my room all night, or maybe hang out with a few friends, but definitely not go to a party in a small, crowded apartment with loud music and a bunch of people who think I'm a loser as soon as they look at me.

5:41 p.m. - 2007-05-18

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