This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (No title) Last post from the blogger account Survey. Because I hate reposting Myspace bulletins. [X] I am really ticklish. [X] I can't sleep in a room if the door is open. [ ] I can't sleep in a room if the door is closed. [X] I shut others out when I'm sad. [X] I've stayed out/up all night. [X] I am keeping a secret from the world. [ ] I watch the news. [ ] I love Disney movies. [X] I am a sucker for green eyes. [X] I am a sucker for blue eyes. [X] I am a sucker for hazel eyes. [X] I am a sucker for brown eyes. (I had to add this one myself! Brown-eyed people need love too!) [/] I don't kill bugs. (I kill ants, mosquitos, occasionally flies. Those bugs invade! It's me or them.) [X] I've slipped and fell in public. [X] I've slipped out a "lol" or an "omg" in a real conversation. (Hell, I say it on purpose for laughs.) [ ] I want a better job. [ ] I love Dr. Phil. [ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS. (Only to mock *~*~PpL wHo TyPe LyK dIs~*~*) [X] No matter what I say, I do care what others think of me. (Everyone does. Even the people who say they don't? Well guess what, they just said that to prove they didn't care, which means they do care.) [X] I love to laugh. (NO, I HATE IT!) [ ] I drink alcohol on a regular basis. [/] I have cough drops when I'm not sick. (Do Luden's cherry drops count? They taste like candy!) [] I can't swallow pills. [/] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room. [X] I love chocolate milk. (But my tummy doesn't.) [/] I bite my nails. (I bite the cuticles around my nails.) [X] I play computer games when I'm bored. [X] Gotten lost in the city. (BIG yes on this one. Fuck you, Kansas City.) [ ] Seen a shooting star. [X] Gone out in public in my pajamas. [X] Hugged a stranger. [X] Laughed so hard I cried. [ ] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator. [] Made out in an elevator. [ ] Kicked a guy where it hurts on purpose. [ ] Been skydiving. [ ] Been bungee jumping. [ ] Gotten stitches. [X] Sprained or broken something. (My big toe!) [ ] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour. [X] Bitten someone. [ ] Been to Niagara Falls. [X] Gotten the chicken pox. [X] Drove a car. (Driven.) [ ] Crashed into a car. [ ] Been to Japan. [X] Ridden in a taxi. [ ] Been fired. [X] Stole something from my job. [ ] Gone on a blind date. [ ] Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans. [ ] Been to Europe. [ ] Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower and seen the Mona Lisa in one day. [ ] Slept with a co-worker, and/or employee. [ ] Been married. [ ] Been caught by a black person saying Nigga [ ] Gotten divorced. [ ] Saw someone/something dying. [ ] Have a list of people I want to kill. [X] Ridden in a car over 400 miles in one day. [ ] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show. [ ] Thrown up in a bar. [ ] Eaten sushi. [X] Cried in public. [ ] Walked purposely into traffic with my eyes closed. [X] Liked someone even though I knew I shouldn't have. [X] Thought of someone a lot lately [/] Hate the world. [X]done something you regret 7:49 p.m. - 2007-06-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't even know. I don't know why I can't stand to be alone lately. The PMS, I guess. I just desperately want someone to talk to, but then when I've got someone around, I clam up. I don't want to bring them down, or I don't want them to worry. I don't want to be that friend that everyone has who's always whining and acting like things are much worse than they actually are. I have it so fucking easy. I have a good job, I make decent money and have great benefits and it's easy work. I have a nice apartment, I have a few good friends. Why can't I be happy with what I've got? I've got people who care about me. I have my family, I have a few close friends. Why do I feel like I need a boyfriend so badly? Why is it almost always the number one thing on my mind? I can't stop obsessing over it. Every guy I see, I see as a potential boyfriend. It doesn't matter if I've never seen him before, or if I'm never going to see him again. I think, he's decent looking, I wonder if he has a girlfriend. Is he looking at me? Do I look okay today? He's not looking at me. Why isn't he looking at me? It's completely unrealistic to think that I might potentially meet someone every time I go to the grocery store, or walking around downtown, etc. But there's always that little panic in the back of my mind that I'm never going to find someone. Eh, the self pity will have to be put on hold for now, HB just texted me, looks like she and MD are back in town and want to hang out. 11:51 p.m. - 2007-06-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cooped up and pent up I don't have to work tomorrow. This is one of two nights that I get to stay up really late doing fun stuff or at least just hanging out with MD and HB. But MD is still sick in bed tonight. I don't know what HB's doing, but I assume she plans on taking care of MD. AF is holed up in his room, probably playing WOW, and Ben's not home. And I don't even have any pot. I am bored out of my fucking skull! I've been nervous all day. There was one point at work where KJ was crouched behind me, resting her arm on the back of my chair, I mean she was within a few inches of me, and JA was right next to me too, and I felt very uneasy about them being so close to me. And anytime JonC needed to comes over to my desk to help me I got really hot. And when I walked to my desk from the bathroom, or the break room, or wherever, sometimes I'd be shaky. I get really paranoid that people at work think I'm weird or crazy. MS's always like, "Breathe, just breathe." And yesterday she mentioned that the previous day I'd been really mad about having to do work that I didn't know how to do, and I was like, "Was I mad?" I honestly don't remember being mad at all. I was frustrated, but not actually angry. Is that how I come off? Mad all the time? I just wonder what people say about me when I'm not around. KJ probably complains about how slow and lazy I am, the Jens probably complain about how clueless I am. I've seen the looks they get on their faces when I ask them about something I should have remembered on my own. And who knows what Blondie or Hummergirl (NW, I think? She hums all the time) say behind my back. I am trying really hard to not let the PMS get to me, but the social stuff is so much harder to deal with during this time of the month. Last night I was thinking about high school, and all the stupid shit that I did. It was my own goddamn fault everyone hated me. I made people severely uncomfortable. I spouted off nonsense opinions about things that really didn't matter, but then when an important subject came up, I couldn't support my arguments. My clothes screamed for attention, and I didn't even shower regularly. I was lying in bed thinking about all of this stuff and of course, I started crying, like I always do. It was in the past, why can't I let it go? Speaking of high school, today at work Brian sent out an Email listing the names of the new hires that started this week. One of them (LW) has the same name as a guy I went to school with. His Myspace says he goes to college here now, and I swear I saw him today riding his bike out of the parking lot. He was in choir with me, and I always thought he was pretty funny, and a really talented singer. I hope it turns out to be him, because I think he's even going to be working in my area. We got along fairly well, as far as I know. He was always pretty nice to me, I don't think he secretly hated me or anything. So that would be fun to work with him. Gah, I'm so bored. 9:02 p.m. - 2007-06-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1-800-SUICIDE I am not doing well tonight. It's PMS again. I saw myself in the mirror before I got into the shower and I realized just how fat I'm getting. I used to have a waist. My gut is getting bigger way faster than I thought it could. From the side, when I'm naked it really does look like I'm pregnant. It's not that big of a deal. I can lose it if I actually try. But it got me thinking about how unattractive I am. When I got out of the shower and put my glasses back on, I saw all the marks all over my skin. I've been picking a lot lately. I keep picking lower and lower on my shoulders, it's so low now that there are marks all over my upper arms, really red, inflamed marks that are leaving scars. And lately I've been picking at my breasts. It's so sick! But the pores pop differently, and I love it. It hurts like hell though, and stings for days after. So upon seeing what I've done to myself, I started crying. Do you know what I do when I cry? I talk to myself as if I were talking to someone else. I know nobody else is there, but I act like I'm talking to somebody else, or like there's a camera on me or something. And if there's a mirror on the wall, I look at myself while I cry, and talk to my reflection. What the fuck is wrong with me? I threw up about half my dinner. I felt really full, and I thought, I obviously don't need that much food in my stomach if I feel this full, so I might as well get rid of some of it. I feel guilty about it, but I still feel full and sick to my stomach, and I kind of want to throw up just a little bit more. I won't, though. I don't want to give myself an eating disorder on top of all my other issues. I didn't really want to hang out with MD and HB tonight, but I didn't want to be alone. I texted MD, and he said HB was still at work and he was feeling sick. I told him I hoped he felt better soon and left him alone. I just want someone to talk to. I can't talk to anyone anymore. I want to call Joe, or my mom, or NS, anyone, but I don't want them to know that I'm feeling this way, and I don't want them to worry about me. I thought about calling HB but I'm not comfortable being so intimate with her yet, and I don't want her telling our other friends. I thought about calling LH too, but she's going through the same shit she used to experience with her new job, and I'm afraid talking about depression might send her over the edge or something. I Googled "correct way to slit your wrists" and didn't really come up with anything. I think I know how to do it, from what I've heard it's "down the road, not across the street". I don't know why I searched for it. I don't think I'd ever actually do it. But I couldn't get the image out of my head, I could picture myself dragging a blade down my wrist, and I could picture the skin split open, blood pouring out. I want to cut myself, but that's a bad idea. Last time I did it, it ended up being deeper than I thought, and now I have three parallel scars on my thigh. The first one might fade away completely, and the second one might mostly go away, but the third one is longer, more raised, and still purple. I did it a couple of months ago, and it's shown very little sign of improvement. I searched for suicide hotline information but I didn't call. I'm afraid the number will show up on the phone bill, and my mom will wonder what 800 numbers I've been calling, decide to call it herself, and find out her daughter is calling suicide hotlines. Plus, what would I say? Hey, I'm actually not going to commit suicide, but can you talk to me anyway instead of helping someone whose life might really be in danger? I just want to talk to someone. I need therapy but I don't know if it will even work or if it will just be a colossal waste of money. I don't like the idea of having to find a therapist I trust through trial and error. I wish I had a doctor that I saw for all my checkups and medical ailments, someone I could trust to refer me to good mental health facilities. I'm thinking I might schedule a gyno appointment because I am overdue for one anyway, and plus I need to see about getting back on birth control, or learn about different options for treating PMDD. Also, this is not really related to depression, but this is related to mental illness. I realized a month or two ago that there are certain things I have trouble not thinking about. It's another reason I think I have OCD. Ever since I can remember, I've talked to myself. Well, since I've gotten older and become more aware that this isn't considered normal behavior, I've started second-guessing myself, wondering if I just said the crazy shit I was thinking out loud. I try to be rational and tell myself that of course I didn't just say that, but I can't stop worrying about it. I look around to see if anyone is looking at me funny, or whispering about what I might have just said. I feel like I'm getting more and more crazy. I don't know what to do. 10:20 p.m. - 2007-06-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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