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I can't stop tearing the skin off my lips

I am no longer upset about not being in a real relationship with JBen. The casual relationship actually works really well for me. Hopefully it works well for him, but I don't know. He's hard to read sometimes. But anyway, it's nice to have someone to talk to and cuddle with, and the sexual stuff is amazing. I want to go all the way with him, but I don't know if he wants that. Like I said, he's hard to read. The other night he was acting like he was depressed, and out of nowhere he started kissing me, then just kind of gave up and said he wasn't into sex at all lately. Which could have fooled me, because just a few hours later we were in my room again, and he seemed really into it.

It's disappointing that he can't get hard enough for actual intercourse. I want to suggest he take some Viagra one night so we can try it, but at the same time, I'm actually kind of scared. I feel really awkward during sex. But I have a feeling it would be intense with him. I fantasize about it a lot, him giving it to me from behind, spanking me, pulling my hair, scratching me... Or constricting me like he did the other night. I was high so I don't even remember how he did it, but he had my legs held down against my chest, I think with his leg, and one hand he used to finger me and his other arm was against my throat. It felt dangerous, but at the same time I felt safe.

He wants to try handcuffs. I don't know. I'm kind of starting to warm up to the idea. He wanted me to crochet a pair for fun, so I bought some silver yarn and started working on them yesterday. I think he wants us to actually try to use them. Somehow it seems like the real thing would be better. The crocheted ones would slip right off. Still, it's a fun project.

He's helped me a lot with my self esteem, but I don't think he even knows it. I'm feeling a little better about the skin picking, because he's been so supportive and nonjudgmental. I haven't stopped picking, but I'm trying not to feel so ashamed. I think maybe if I can stop feeling ashamed, it'll be easier to stop doing it altogether. He's made me feel better about my personality too, and given me a lot more confidence in bed. That's really where I've made the most progress. I feel like I'm desirable. I'm proud of my sexuality. I'm getting better at making eye contact with people I find attractive.

The thing I don't like, though, is he'll say stuff about how he doesn't like how apathetic I am, or he wishes I had more ambition. I think he thinks I'm boring. It happens every time I date someone, he ends up getting bored with me because all we ever do is hang out at home, watch TV and play video games, and inevitably end up in the bedroom by the end of the night. Also, sometimes he nags me to clean. And he keeps hinting that he'd like me to try to be more feminine. Sometimes I do try, as a treat for him. I'll put on more makeup than usual and wear a cute outfit, but it's like, why should I have to try to impress him? But that's why the relationship is just casual and not serious. It doesn't really bother me that much because this is short term.

12:05 a.m. - 2007-07-17

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Imaginary friends

When I was little I had imaginary friends. I had a lot of them, according to my mom. The only ones I remember thinking about were Peaches, who went to the same school as the babysitters' kids and had kind of a strawberry blonde afro, and Rosebud, a horse I made up when my mom wasn't able to find a Barbie Rosebud horse for my Christmas present. I almost remember Sherri. I remember a doll I called Sherri, but not the imaginary friend. I even remember who I named her after, it was a lady who worked at the hair salon in my hometown. My mom told me more about Sherri later, after I'd forgotten her. She said Sherri's family lived at the end of the driveway. She thought I was crazy for having all these imaginary friends.

I never thought it was crazy. I was an only child until I was six. The kids at the babysitters' hated me and teased me constantly. I was from their rival town, I was a little spoiled and uptight, and I was shy and socially awkward. So I made up friends to play with. It's like when a kid plays teacher, but there's nobody around to pretend to be the students, so they address an imaginary class. Madison did that but my mom thought it was cute, not crazy. So why was it crazy to have individual imaginary playmates?

My mom told me about what happened at Bible school, and I thought it was just a cute story about a kid with a lot of creativity and mischievous tendencies. I didn't realize until just recently that it sounds really fucking crazy. The story is, from what my mom told me because I don't remember any of this happening, that the good Sherri died and went to heaven. I guess to balance things out, the bad Sherri came up from hell. For whatever reason, during my Bible school program, I started chasing the bad Sherri around, and my mom caught me when I ran down the aisle and made me sit next to her for the duration of the program.

Like I said, I thought it was just a cute story. Last night I was at MD and HB's and JD was with me too. We were all really stoned and talking about how little kids think such bizarre things, and I told them how my mom used to think I was crazy for having imaginary friends. I made the mistake of telling them about the Bible school incident, and they both acted like I was completely insane, especially MD. I was like, "Did I just tell you something completely fucked up?" And he said "Yes you did!!" He doesn't get it because he had an older brother, and his younger brother is just a few years younger than him. He had constant companionship at home. I had nobody except my mom.

You know, I was actually feeling pretty alarmed at the way I thought when I was a kid, until I wrote this all out. There was nothing wrong with my having imaginary friends. It was a way of coping with the loneliness. I knew they weren't real, that they were just pretend. My mom told me when I got older that she'd had talks with me about how my imaginary friends weren't real, and I'd be in tears defending myself, saying they were real. I don't remember those talks, but I have a theory on why I insisted that they were real even though in private I acknowledged that they were only pretend. I think it was because I didn't want to admit that I didn't have friends. My mom can think I was crazy all she wants, and so can MD and HB, but I know I'm okay. I'm starting to realize that more and more lately.

6:04 p.m. - 2007-07-14

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Pretend relationship

I've gotten myself into some confusing shit this time. I guess I'll start at the beginning. A while back, I think during the winter, when LH still lived with me, we tried to have a party on short notice. The only people who showed up were CG and his friend JBen. We ended up having a pretty good time, playing Guitar Hero and watching Pete and Pete, and of course getting baked out of our minds. JBen was wearing women's clothing. He told me he was transgendered and was preparing to transition. We had pretty good chemistry, and I noticed he seemed to be drawn mostly to me as opposed to the other people that were there, and he was sitting fairly close to me, but I assumed he was gay and I was just imagining things.

A couple of months ago, he and CG, along with CG' new girlfriend TW and CG's room mate BK, started hanging out with us at MD and HB's every once in a while. We would get stoned and play video games. HB had her twenty-first birthday party and JBen came, and we spent the whole night talking mostly to each other. Afterwards HB told me he'd been asking questions about me, like how she knew me and things like that. Last month we tried to have a get-stoned-and-watch-Gremlins party (but stupid MD and HB forgot to get weed) and JBen showed up drunk after hanging out with some coworkers, and he shared the beanbag with me and had his arm around me.

After that we started hanging out just the two of us. The first couple of times we just cuddled. Then when he was over here watching Donnie Darko (I think this was after MD and HB's moving out party), we were spooning on the couch and he was rubbing his hand over my hip and thigh. It was driving me crazy and I turned around and kissed him. We made out and dry-humped and he asked if we could move to my room. It was more of the same, only with more groping and less clothes. He ended up staying the night. We spent the next day together. We went to his apartment and pretty much spent the entire day lying on his bed, making out and fooling around.

While we were at his place he told me he wasn't sure if he wanted a relationship, that he wanted to get out of Kansas and move to New York. I wanted to feel betrayed, and I did feel hurt and disappointed, but I can't be mad at him. He wasn't expecting this to happen any more than I was.

Since then we've been seeing each other almost every day, and he stays over here fairly often. Last night we were drunk and fooling around, and it was intense. He was biting my neck and ears, and scratching my back and pulling my hair, because I had told him a few nights before that I liked stuff like that. He took off his underwear and we tried to have sex, but he has erectile dysfunction due to low testosterone levels. He wasn't able to stay hard long enough to get the condom on. I was disappointed, but kind of relieved. Sex makes me self conscious. We continued to mess around though. I tried to give him head but it just wasn't happening for him. He focused on pleasing me instead. He licked and sucked on my clit while he had all of his fingers inside of me, and it hurt but it felt amazing. He scratched me so hard that I have marks on my stomach and back today. My right ear is sore from him biting it so hard. He said he was amazed by my libido, and how funny it was that I look like this quiet, sweet girl but in reality I'm highly sexual. And then he said "You're a bad girl," and he spanked me harder than anyone's ever spanked me before, causing me to actually cry out in a combination of shock, pain, and intense arousal.

After we got tired, we were cuddling and he told me he didn't like how low my self-esteem was, that I had a great body and I shouldn't be ashamed to take off my clothes just because of my scars. And I actually told him that the real reason I don't wear bathing suits or tank tops is because of my compulsive skin picking disorder. I told him I couldn't stop myself most of the time, that I'd been doing it since age fourteen and that I hated myself for it. Of course I cried. He seemed to genuinely care and tried to reassure me that he'd never noticed any marks and that nobody else would either. He said it didn't make me fucked up, it's just something that I do. I felt relieved to finally tell someone, but it's still embarrassing that he knows my secret.

I am falling for him, I want an actual relationship with him. But he told me last night that there's a girl he's been trying to make it work with for a couple of years now. He said she lives in New York (guess now we know why he wants to go there). This time I do feel betrayed. This whole time he never told me about her. It doesn't even sound like it will work. He said nothing's happened between them, and that she's wealthy and thinks differently than he does.

I don't know why I can't put a stop to this, why I'm keeping this going. He's going to move, and he's apparently really into this other girl. But he says he likes me a lot. If he cares about me so much, why does he keep stringing me along? I can't figure out what his intentions are. Part of me wonders if this is just him trying to convince himself he isn't gay. He says he masturbates all the time, but when he's with me he can't keep an erection without the help of Viagra. How does he manage to stay hard when he's alone? Plus, last night he identified himself as gay without even thinking about it. He was talking about how he just can't hang out with lesbians because lesbians and gay men don't really have anything in common. And he's said before that he couldn't figure himself out sexually. He said, "I mean, you turn me on, and I like you..." and then kind of trailed off.

We act like we're in a relationship, but we're not. He wants to see me every day, we have amazing sexual chemistry, and he seems to actually care about me. He keeps saying things that imply that he doesn't want a serious relationship, but he keeps coming back every day. This is the most painful and confusing "relationship" I've ever been in, but at the same time, when I'm with him, I'm happy. I'm at ease. He makes me like myself more. He helps me realize that I'm okay, that everyone is different and that I shouldn't be afraid of who I am. I wish I knew what to do.

6:14 p.m. - 2007-07-05

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Good thing I'm not very impulsive.

Sometimes I'll be at home, thinking about stuff, and I'll think, I could do it today. Or tomorrow. I could do it right now if I wanted to. I could drive to a bridge or find something to slit my wrists with. I never do it, because I know it'll pass and by morning I'll probably feel at least better, if not totally back to neutral.

It's just that my life is so unfulfilling. I don't do anything but work all the time. What do I have to live for? My family, and my friends. I want a reason to live for me.

12:58 a.m. - 2007-06-19

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