This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page.

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It's called freedom of speech.

Apparently my lifestyle is disgusting and I have issues. Who knew? Except there's this amendment in the US Constitution that says I have the right to say what I want. Not only that, but this is the fucking internet. Really, this blog is extremely tame compared to all the fucked up shit you can find on the web.

I guess I offended some kid. What a little kid is doing on the internet talking to strangers, I don't know. She ordered me to set this blog to private. Fuck that. Fuck censorship. The whole reason I kept this blog public is because I wanted to be one hundred percent honest. Anonymously honest, but still honest all the same. And I've heard from a few people who appreciate that honesty. This blog is like a confessional to me. It helps me deal with things, and somehow it helps to know that maybe there's someone out there reading who can relate. I will not make this private.

Tonight I placed a warning message at the top of my profile, in the title bar, and at the top of the front page of my blog. If someone still reads the blog after seeing this message, then I will enjoy laughing at them for having the nerve to get offended. I thought I'd already made it clear with my profile, but I guess not.

.....

Now, on to the real entry. Yeah I know, two entries in one night, I need a life. But I need to vent. JBen called, all apologetic about last night. He said he'd come over at ten, and that he'd call if he was late. Sure enough, just like I expected, he called a few minutes before ten to tell me he was invited to a little get-together, but he would only stay for half an hour or so. Bullshit. I saw right through that. I told him to just go and stay as long as he wants, and to not feel obligated to hang out with me. He said he'd call me when he was leaving. At this point I don't care. He's obviously tired of me, and forcing himself to spend time with me. I already know what's going to happen tonight. He's going to get drunk, call me and cancel.

He's like obsessed with drinking the last couple of weeks. It's not going to make his problems go away. But I guess I can't really talk, can I? I pretty much do the same thing with smoking. It's just that alcohol can do some pretty bad damage. And I don't want to see him end up like my dad.

11:09 p.m. - 2007-07-24

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What the fuck.

As predicted, JBen bailed on me last night. I was kind of irritated, but not too much. I tried to go to bed around midnight, I think, but I couldn't fall asleep. He called at one to tell me he wasn't coming over; Big surprise. He was drinking with his friend. I brushed it off, kind of pissed but mostly because I was just about to fall asleep. I was so frustrated I tried to smoke the little bit of weed I had left in my pipe, but it wasn't enough to affect me. I finally fell asleep and then he had the nerve to call me at 2:00 and ask if he could come over. I just flat out told him no, didn't tell him sorry, it's too late, just NO. For someone so effeminate he's got some balls calling me at two in the morning, drunk, wanting to sleep over. Fuck that. If I end up hanging out with him tonight, I'm telling him he needs to stop doing shit like that, that I am not going to tolerate him just showing up whenever he feels like it, regardless of when he said he'd get here. And he is going to call me from now on if he's going to be late, or if he's going to cancel. I'm not taking that shit from anyone anymore.

6:31 p.m. - 2007-07-24

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Tired

I'm so tired lately. All I feel like doing is sleeping. I don't even have much interest in sex or masturbation anymore. I don't want to go to work, I don't want to see my friends, I don't want to leave the apartment, hell I don't even want to shower. I just want to get stoned or sleep. And I'm out of weed, save for a tiny bit that won't even get me high. And of course MD and HB are going to take forever to get more weed again. I think I'm going to ask them to get me my own bag next time, none of that sharing bullshit. I paid for half last time and they smoked most of it.

They had a party the other night and I got trashed. I didn't have very many drinks, but I was really drunk anyway. We smoked too, and it was a lot of fun. I wanted JBen to come home with me and was kind of upset when he didn't because I was going to have sex with him, if he was willing. But it's a good thing he stayed at the party, because I was way too fucked up. I tried to go to sleep but I felt like I was spinning and falling at the same time. It made me nauseous so I got dressed and headed toward the bathroom, only to end up throwing up at the end of the hallway, and again once I got into the bathroom, all over the wall and the shower. Nobody was home to see it, but I still felt so ashamed. I've never been too drunk to make it to the bathroom before. I should have kept my clothes on when I went to bed, then I would have gotten to the bathroom in time. I had to clean it up while I was still drunk so that nobody would see it. To the best of my knowledge I got everything cleaned up, and I don't think the floor smells, and I don't see any stains in the carpet. I still feel awful about it, though. From now on I don't think I'll get drunk, just a little tipsy. I was so hungover yesterday that I was going to the bathroom at work every fifteen minutes to puke. I ended up going home at 10:30, and I slept until four or so.

I think JBen's coming over tonight? I don't know, he said he was at a drag show in Kansas City and he'd call me when he got back. So who knows, really? He's fucking flaky. Sometimes he'll say he's coming over and then an hour and a half later I'll call him, and ask, "Are you still coming over?" And I don't know, I just wonder if he'd still come over if I didn't call to remind him. He's not happy with me. He doesn't want to be with me, even casually, I think. I still wonder if he's just trying to deny that he's gay, but why would he do that? If he's open to the idea of being transgendered, why wouldn't he be okay with being gay?

If he does come over tonight, he might want to have sex because I told him last night that I'm off my period. This is bad because I've actually been experiencing a lot of discomfort down there. I don't know if I'm just sore from too much activity, what with fooling around and masturbating all the time, or if I have a yeast infection, or what. Regardless of the cause, what am I supposed to tell him? I don't think he's ever known me to deny sex before. He'll know something's up.

It might not even be an issue because I might not even have the energy or desire for sex. I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I was nervous and angry all day today. I've been sleeping a lot more than usual, at any time during the day. If I haven't got anything to do, chances are you'll find me passed out on the couch in front of the TV, or asleep for four hours in my room after work.

I'm falling back into that mode where I think everyone is talking about me behind my back, and that people just tolerate me rather than actually enjoy my company. I feel like John thinks I'm really boring and too cautious, which is true. I think he's getting tired of me, which could be why he seems less interested in fooling around or even spending time with me lately. And I keep thinking that people at work are talking about me behind my back. I know KJ is. MS confirmed that today.

I want to quit my job. I won't because that would be really fucking stupid. It's easy, pays enough, and has good benefits. I just get so nervous there. Nobody talks to me except MS and RW. When I do make an effort to make small talk with my coworkers, they act surprised and the conversation is really awkward and short.

I think someone's here? I don't know. I'm done, I guess.

10:46 p.m. - 2007-07-23

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Anxious tonight

I am anxious and fidgety tonight and I have a very strong desire to be held. I want to call JBen but I don't want to be clingy. It's stupid, because I almost never call him, I wait for him to call me, but I still worry about coming off as clingy and too attached.

I want to smoke, I want to have friends over to smoke, or at least JBen, but I can't because ES doesn't "condone" smoking pot. That's the word she used, condone, it's such a stuck-up, self-righteous word. And she has company over tonight, it's her sister's birthday and so her sister and some friends are over. I don't want a bunch of her guests pissed off at me for doing something that in my opinion is perfectly acceptable. I'm really stressing out about this. I don't want to be made to feel guilty for smoking. I know it's not terribly harmful, and it's not nearly as bad as alcohol, but I can't help feeling ashamed, or at least nervous, when I'm high around ES. Whatever, she'll just have to lighten up and get used to it.

Subject change: The picking is bad right now. I have an open wound on my left breast because there was this one spot I just couldn't leave alone. I knew while I was picking at it that this would happen. It is literally a tiny little hole in my skin now, and around the hole the skin is all swollen and red. It's going to leave an ugly scar. JBen noticed it. I felt so ashamed. Tonight I cut my nails, and then filed them down as far as I could. They grow so fast, though. Before I know it I'll be picking again, without even realizing it.

ES and her friends are back, and I do not want to go out there. But... there is cake. So I think maybe I'll venture out there anyway.

10:33 p.m. - 2007-07-20

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