This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page.

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Hmm.

This guy at work has been looking at me a lot lately. I'm not imagining it. When he walks past my desk, I usually glance up to see if he's looking, and he is. When I walk past his desk, it's the same thing. I should be flattered, but I can't be flattered anymore. I'm always questioning guys' intentions now. I think, why is he looking at me, when there are so many girls here who are more attractive? I feel like the only reason guys are interested in me is because they can sense that I have low self esteem, and that means that I'll put out. It's halfway true. I do have low self esteem. And I do put out, not because I don't like myself, it's just because I am practically a nymphomaniac.

I'm not upset about this guy in particular, it's just guys in general. I can't trust them anymore. I'm worried that I'm always going to be too paranoid to have a healthy relationship. Even if I never expressed it to the guy, I'd still be worrying throughout the course of the relationship that he was leading me on, that he wasn't really into me and was only with me for the sex or because he was bored or lonely, and as soon as someone better came along he'd dump me.

I don't know, this entry is kind of rambling. Once again I can't find the right words to express what I'm thinking about.

6:28 p.m. - 2007-08-20

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What a night this has been.

My mom called me a few hours after I left her place to tell me that they put my grandma back in the hospital because she isn't trying to get better. Both my parents agree that she's depressed and I think they might try to get her treated for that while she's in the hospital. I really hope they do treat her, because for the last few years she's seemed so unhappy. Ever since my grandpa died she's been really lonely.

So I had that on my mind tonight, and then I went to the grocery store to get some munchies food. I guess I was still a little high because for the life of me I could not figure out the damn self-checkout machine. The condescending old woman had to come over and help me. Every time I see that woman she talks to me like I'm a stupid little girl who needs help. It was embarrassing.

And then when I started my car to drive home, as soon as I started driving the car started making this really loud sound. I pulled into the parking lot of some motel and got out to investigate, and found that my left rear tire was flat. I have no idea what caused it. But I freaked the fuck out. I didn't know how to change a tire. I called my mom to ask what to do, and after a couple of phone calls we had my aunt DB on her way to help, because nobody in town was available.

While I waited I spent some time getting upset, crying, etc. because I felt embarrassed for having to call my mommy for help, and for never having learned to change a tire. I'm such a child. I can't handle even the tiniest surprise. If I'm not expecting something, I just shut down and freak out. What I should have done was go inside the lobby and ask for a phone book, and then called roadside assistance. But instead I had to make it as difficult as possible, because I got upset and lost the capability to think logically.

So my aunt arrived and we got out the spare and my aunt was trying to figure out the jack, and these guys pulled up next to us and at first I thought they had bad intentions, but then they got out to help us change the tire. I was so surprised by such a random act of kindness. Here I was expecting them to be creeps, but they ended up doing pretty much everything for us. And they looked like they were on their way to a party or something. Why did they stop to help? They gained nothing from it, they just did it because they saw someone who needed help. It was very reassuring to know that there are still a few good people out there.

Why aren't more people like that? Why am I not like that?

11:06 p.m. - 2007-08-18

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A good day

Today was cool. My car is messed up so I haven't been able to drive home and see my family lately. So today my mom came and picked me up, and we had lunch here in town before we went to visit my grandparents. It was kind of sad, though, because my great grandma hasn't been doing so well lately. My mom said that my grandma doesn't expect her to live more than about six months. She's to tiny, I think she's less than ninety pounds now. I'm not too upset that she won't be around much longer, because she's ninety-three, and has lived a full life. She's so tired and miserable lately, she's ready to go.

We visited my paternal grandma too. She recently had a heart attack, and just got out of the hospital a week ago (I think). She's not trying to get better. She refuses to eat and tried to fire all the people who were hired to come in and take care of her. I think she is just waiting to die. She hasn't been happy in a long time, and I think she's just ready to give up. She's even willing to go live in a retirement home. Which I don't understand because she saw how miserable her own mother was when she was in one of those places.

Depressing stuff aside, it was pretty nice to see my family. Even MLS was cool this time. I think she's gotten a lot better. I also think she has OCD too. She's always telling me little things she feels like she has to do, and then my mom will tell her it's weird. I don't like that. That's not how you should address your child's problems.

God damn it, I have the hiccups.

5:05 p.m. - 2007-08-18

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Smitten (Again)

So you know how in the last entry I vowed never to pull out my eyelashes at work again? The very next day, my eyelid had that uncomfortable feeling that I get when my mascara sticks all my eyelashes together, and I pulled lightly on them to try and loosen up the clumps, and pulled out about five at once. Oops. They were all in the inner corner of my eyelid, so I have a little empty spot there. The weird thing though, is it didn't really hurt at all. I'm not too concerned about people judging me for doing this. I'll just tell them my eyelashes fall out a lot and it's uncomfortable. If they still think I'm crazy, whatever.

Shit, I am way more stoned than I intended to be. I took two hits! I am not used to bud. I'm going to be useless for the next couple of hours. Which is cool, I didn't have anything better planned anyway. I'm kind of worried something will come up and I'll have to decline because I'm too stoned, though. And some reason I can't stop worrying that my mom is going to unexpectedly drop in. That is completely irrational. She lives thirty minutes away, she almost never shops here, and she wouldn't just drive out here on the off chance that her daughter might be home, she would call me first. I still think like a teenager. I am an adult now, and I am allowed to make my own decisions. I do not have to worry about getting in trouble with my mom. But I still can't swear in front of her, and I still can't let her know I smoke, and I still haven't even been able to tell her I'm bi. Or whatever I am.

Shit, that was not what I meant to write about at all. That's what I love about weed, it helps me discover things about myself. Anyway! I was going to write about last night.

JBen invited me over, and his new room mate CP had moved in. For some reason I had pictured him as this short, fat, nerdy kid with a bad haircut. And he is short, and nerdy, but he's an attractive nerd! He writes this cheesy webcomic. He likes video games. He is a physics major. And he is adorable. But then, this happens with most guys I meet. I think they're attractive and nice and funny, and then I get to know them, and then I can't stand them.

Still, though. He seemed interested? He was looking at me a lot, and asking me questions about myself. Is that a sign of interest? Or just good manners? I read too much into things. Anyway, I think JBen could sense that I was attracted to CP, because he sat closer to me than usual and then when we were all watching DVDs over at my place, he rested his head on my shoulder because he said he was tired.

There's this tension between us now when we hang out. He still sits closer to me than he should, and sometimes we still do the whole playful, couple-y banter thing. And there was that night when he slept over because his car battery had died, and he came home from MD and HB's and hopped into bed, and put his arms around me. I usually allow this kind of stuff to happen. I still have some leftover affection for him, I guess. Mostly, though, it just feels so damned good to have someone holding onto me, and to feel safe. And I'm not going to lie. I miss the sex. It is so frustrating to have it constantly one day, and then the next day it's all taken away. I was actually really mad when he decided he didn't want to fool around anymore, and I tried to play it off like I was mad because he'd led me on and mooched off of me all the time. But really, I was angry at him for taking the sex away. It was the most chaotic, passionate sexual play I have ever experienced. He was willing, and even enthusiastic, to do the things that nobody else had ever been comfortable with. And that first day we spent together, after he spent the night and we went to his apartment, it was beautiful. All day in his bed. It was one of the best days I can remember. I don't think most girls care about sex this much. I feel sorry for them for missing out on such intense experiences.

Wow. This entry was just supposed to be about meeting CP. I love weed.

6:17 p.m. - 2007-08-17

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