This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't know The last few days have mostly been pretty cool. On Friday night, MD's little brother GD came to town, and he wanted to smoke with us. So I went over there and to my surprise GD had brought friends, and one of them was a kid I went to high school with named RD. It was a lot of fun to smoke with those kids. GD's other friend Derek was there and they are ridiculous together. They kept talking in crazy voices and saying the most absurd shit I'd ever heard. I like GD a lot, and and MD are adorable together. Later we were hanging out with BK and CG and TW, and we went to get pizza. The pizza place we went to was really just a a bar that also served pizza for some reason. So there were all these frat boys and sorority girls, and then there we were, me in my rainbow hat, mark with his long hair, GD with his green hair and Derek with his ridiculous emo getup. We did not fit in there, and I was glad. Everyone was being loud and competing for attention and it was like they were all saying, "Hey look at me, I'm normal!" We had taken separate cars, and HB and TW and I all went to the grocery store to pick up some munchie food. TW was telling us about this guy who had hit on her and how she told him to fuck off. She went on and on about how she hates when guys hit on her, and so did HB, and they acted like I was just so sad and pitiful and pathetic for actually wanting a little bit of that kind of attention. Oh yeah, it must be so hard to be attractive. Boo fucking hoo. They said they'd be perfectly happy without it, but I guarantee you that if they weren't receiving that attention, they would feel just as angry and bitter and lonely as I do. It is not a sign of insecurity to want a little attention now and then. It's not wrong to want a little confirmation that I'm not completely grotesque. Pretty girls don't seem to know know how bitchy they sound. So yesterday we went to the Renaissance festival, and that was awesome. Nothing too exciting happened really, but it was really nice to hang out with my friends all day and just have fun. We smoked flavored tobacco out of a hookah. It was really relaxing. We're planning on getting some tobacco for MD's hookah sometime soon. We also went to the petting zoo (they had a llama!) and watched a couple of performances, and TW got a kitten from this old stoner couple who worked there. We were there for six hours, but we spent a lot of that time in line for food or waiting for each other to finish shopping, and we were at the hookah place for an hour and thirty minutes. So we didn't actually get to do much, and that's why we're planning to go back sometime soon. After I got home I called JBen because he'd told me he wanted to hang out and smoke. This was at about 8:00, and he said he'd be over in half an hour. By 9:30 he still had not arrived, and I called him to find out that he'd fallen asleep. Big surprise. He said he'd leave soon, but almost two hours later, he still wasn't here. I hate that he does this. And he does it every time! I was pissed off and depressed for some reason, so I started smoking without him. When he finally came over, we started smoking and we were talking about just random shit, and I was telling him about how my little sister uses "gay" as a synonym for "stupid" and how she probably wouldn't do that if she knew I were bi. And then I said that she might actually already know I'm bi, and I asked JBen if I'd ever told him that before. I meant the part about her knowing I'm bi, but he thought I meant had I ever told him that I was bi. And he actually said, "Yeah, you told me, but I have a hard time believing it." What? I couldn't believe it. I still can't. How the fuck can he say something like that? I asked him why he didn't believe me, and he said "Well maybe if you were more active in the gay community I'd be more likely to believe it." WHAT? Since when does my community (or lack thereof) determine my sexual orientation? You're not a true bisexual if you don't devote all your time to the gay community? Yeah, my sexuality is kind of complicated. I'll give him that. I know I have never dated a girl or done anything physically with a girl. I don't know if I ever will, but that doesn't mean I'm not attracted to females. So maybe some people wouldn't call that bi, but what the hell am I then? There are a lot of reasons why I haven't done anything with another girl yet. I'm afraid to try sex with a girl, even though the idea is appealing to me. I fantasize about it sometimes and have even had dreams about it, but I've never done it before so I'm afraid I'd be bad at it, or do something to make myself look stupid. Plus, it's harder to find females who are bi or lesbian. Yeah, there are plenty of them out there, but you can't tell just by looking. And it's pretty tacky to just walk up to a girl and say, "Hello, are you into girls?" Because if she's not, it's just going to make her uncomfortable. And as for not being active in the community, I don't belong to any community. I don't like to go out. I don't like to meet new people. It is extremely stressful for me. I like to be around the same familiar people on a regular basis. I don't need to be part of a huge community, and he doesn't get that. He is obsessed with fitting in. I don't need to surround myself with other people who are like me. I don't need to conform like that. And somehow that means I'm not bi? If the rest of the gay community is as judgmental as JBen, I don't fucking want to be a part of it. I want to talk to him about this, and explain why it upsets me so much, but I don't think he'll listen. So today I had that on my mind all day, and I was also dwelling on a lot of other stuff too. The usual stuff about being unattractive, worrying that I will never find someone who cares about me and that all the guys who act interested are really only interested because they think I'll be easy. Not only that but I had to sit there and listen to this guy talking to a new girl, asking her a bunch of questions about herself, and I could tell he was interested in her. Not one guy at work has talked to me like that. It's all been work related. So I was dwelling on all of that, and everything else I always dwell on. I've been thinking about suicide a lot lately. I tried not to but I couldn't help it. I kept thinking about what I'd write in the note, and if I'd call my mom to talk to her one last time. I would act like everything was normal and I was just calling to see how she was doing, and I'd tell her I loved her. And then I felt guilty because I know it would completely destroy my mother if I killed myself. It's the only reason I haven't given it serious consideration. If I didn't have the few people who care about me like my mom and sister and MD and HB, I don't know if I'd still be here right now. I'm feeling better now that I'm home from work and can relax, but I still feel pretty bummed. And I still cannot stop dwelling on what JBen said. The other JBeg called last night and said he might be able to come visit me tonight. I don't want to see him. My skin is still all torn up, and I don't feel like going through the trouble of shaving, or even showering. I just want to get high and go to sleep. Ugh, this entry doesn't make any sense. It just skips from one topic to another. I cannot organize my thoughts today. 5:05 p.m. - 2007-09-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shit. Last night JBen invited me over. We played Katamari, watched TV, same as we always do, and we drank a little bit of wine. He got a little drunk, but I never did. We went into his room to watch stupid videos online for a while, and after that we were lying on his bed and talking. Out of nowhere, he asked if I wanted to fool around. I said I wasn't sure if it was a good idea, but I couldn't give a good reason why not. For the life of me I could not figure out why I was so hesitant. When he decided he didn't want to mess around with me anymore, he had told me that it was because he wasn't comfortable with casual sex and wanted a more serious relationship. I told him I wanted a relationship too, and he said he didn't think we were a good match. His reasons were stupid: I wouldn't fit in with his big city Jewish friends, he can't help me work through my issues (I understand that one, but I wasn't expecting him to help me, I need to do that on my own), and reason number 3? I'm blonde. And he just cannot see himself having a serious relationship with someone who is not a brunette. So last night when I asked him why he'd suddenly changed his mind, he said he'd gotten past a lot of the insecurities he'd had a couple of months ago, and that he'd been bored without me. He never really explained it further than that. I agreed to sleep over, because I was really tired, but I wasn't planning on fooling around with him. We cuddled, with me on my side and him behind me and holding onto me, and it was like how it used to be. I felt safe. It was comfortable, it was familiar, and I let my guard down. He cupped my breast and started playing with my nipple, and after a few minutes of that, I needed more. He slid his hand down my pants and started rubbing my clit, and it felt good but for some reason I felt like crying. I couldn't figure out why at first, and then I realized why I was so unhappy, and why I had been so hesitant to fool around again. It was because we are trying to act like we're just fuck buddies when we both know there's something more to it. We still act like a couple. MD and HB have asked me a few times if anything was going on between us again, because when we're together, we just give off that couple vibe. We actually talk to each other about what's on our minds. With JBeg, we don't talk. We joke around a little, and then we have sex, and then we either go to sleep or go our separate ways. But with JBen, it's like we have this intense bond. I have this overwhelming need to be close to him when we're around each other. And if he's not doing well, I worry about him. I almost never care this much about someone other than myself. And I know he cares about me more than he lets on. But he tries to act like it's strictly physical, and he knows it's not. Anyway, even though I felt like crying, I held it back. We ended up shedding most of our clothes and doing a little bit more, but no sex because I'm on my period right now. We tried a few new things, though. A while back when we were still "together" he had bought a flogger online. Normally they're made of leather but since I'm a vegetarian he bought one made of synthetic materials. By the time it arrived, we had already stopped fooling around, so we never got a chance to try it out until last night. He whipped it across my back. It felt pretty good. It could have been better if the material had been stronger, but I still loved it. When I told him it was too flimsy, he got out a wooden paddle. He spanked me with it lightly and I loved it. But then he did it hard, and even though I'm a total pain freak, it hurt too much. After that he decided he shouldn't be whipping me or spanking me because he didn't want CP to hear. It was pretty late so we pretty much stopped fooling around, and cuddled and talked and fell asleep. He had class at 8:00 this morning, and I stayed in bed. He got back around 11:30, I think, and climbed into bed with me. We were just cuddling and talking, and after a while he told me he had an erection. He said he gets them sometimes for no reason. I asked if he wanted to take advantage of it, and he said yes. I sucked him for a while, and he said he enjoyed it, but he didn't come. He said he's like me, he can get himself off but nobody else can. We stayed in bed until 1:15 or so, just cuddling and talking and dozing off. That's why this is bumming me out so much. Because fuck buddies don't do that. Couples do that. And I can't keep doing this with him if he's going to keep denying it. But you know what? I say that, but I am not going to do anything about it. I know myself. I am so goddamned lonely all the time. I will take whatever I can get, and if it's a pretend relationship, it's enough for now. I will enjoy it until we crash and burn just like we did last time. 3:07 p.m. - 2007-09-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I hate today. Today was fucking hell. Not for any real reason, just because I feel like shit. One of the managers said it was okay to have the radio on so people could listen to the Chiefs game. I hate sports. I especially hate football, and I especially hate the Chiefs. Last I heard, they sucked. Why are people so fucking obsessed with a team that isn't even good? Why do people like sports at all? I understand being proud of your school and rooting for your school's team. I understand if you actually play the sport, or if you know someone who plays for the particular team you're rooting for. But I do not understand professional sports at all. Why is it so goddamned important to know the score of a game played by people you've never met? The whole idea that people can make a career out of playing a sport is completely insane to me. And sportscasters have the most obnoxious voices that just cut through everything else. It was the only thing I could focus on because they had the radio fucking blaring. And it was making me really nervous because it was just constant yelling. And when I asked them to turn it down, the guys all got pissed off. Nobody said anything to me directly, but I heard this guy say in a snotty voice, "Because the noise was bothering her?" Like, the nerve of her, not caring about sports. How dare she try to actually concentrate on work while we're all slacking off and throwing shit at each other? I had to go to the bathroom to cry a couple of times because I was so nervous. All day my stomach felt tight and I couldn't relax. I kept realizing that I was sitting hunched over, not moving, with my muscles all tensed up. I had to make myself relax all my muscles, only to realize a minute later that I was doing it again. And of course I got my fucking period. JBeg was supposed to come over tonight. I was counting on it. It was three o'clock and I hadn't gotten my period yet, and I was actually hopeful that maybe it wouldn't come until tomorrow. That was my mistake, hoping. I should know better by now. Around four or so, I went to the bathroom and hey, Aunt Flo finally showed up. Shortly after that I got the usual excruciating leg cramps that I always get on the first day. I bought some Pamprin after work and took it immediately when I got home, and it never did kick in fully. So looks like JBeg will have to wait a week. I thought about asking if he still wanted to just hang out, since he's in a nearby town today anyway, but really, let's not kid ourselves. He is not interested in being friends, or even if he is, it just wouldn't work very well. Every time we see each other we have a little bit of small talk, and then skip right to the sex. When we try to actually hang out, it's just awkward. I want to smoke so badly but I need to be sober when he calls. He said he'd call when he was done with whatever he's doing. He said it'd be about six or so, but it's already half past. Fuck it, I'm just going to take one hit. I'm not even going to try and deny it anymore, I am self-medicating. I am hiding from all my problems with weed. I know this is a problem and I don't fucking care because I am never going to stop feeling like this. There is no pill that can make me like myself, and no fucking therapist who can brainwash me into being happy. Fuck self improvement, fuck ambition and success, I just want to drift undetected under the radar. I'm sick of people bothering me, I'm sick of their expectations, and I'm sick of trying to water down my personality so that they will tolerate me. I don't want to make small talk at work anymore, I don't want to go out, I just want to stay in my room and get high and pretend I don't care about my problems. 6:35 p.m. - 2007-09-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tonight Tonight I have been invited to go to First Fridays in KC for RH's going away party. For some reason my brain is too stupid right now to figure out how to explain First Fridays correctly. And I'm not even stoned. The best I can explain it is, it is free and you go to art galleries and apparently they also provide drinks? I don't know much about it, but it sounds pretty cool. Usually when someone invites me to something, I end up finding a million reasons to decline. This situation is no different. The main problem is transportation. My car is fucked up right now, and even if it was working properly, I can't navigate Kansas City to save my life. I get lost every single time I go there. Usually it's not a big deal because MD and HB are happy to let me ride to KC with them. But after everyone is done going to the art galleries, they're going to the bars. This is the problem. I am the only one in my group of friends who's under 21. It would be unfair of me to ask MD and HB to leave early to take me home just because I'm too young to drink. So hey, that's why I'm not going to see RH one last time before she leaves for Europe. Whatever, we don't know each other that well, so I'm not too disappointed. My other option for tonight: JBeg wants to try to get together. There are a million reasons why this is a bad idea. I am supposed to start my period today. I haven't yet, and haven't even gotten a cramp, but my breasts are really swollen and I am severely moody, so I know it could happen any minute. Another reason I'm hesitant is because he's going to want anal again. I have been trying to get myself ready for that, but it still hurts like hell. I can buy lube, so I'm not too worried about it hurting, though. The main reason I don't want to do this is because I lost control the other day and picked my skin to shreds. And since then, it's gotten even worse. If he sees me tonight with little red marks all over my breasts and shoulders, he will be disgusted. And I don't think he'll be as understanding about it as the other JBen was. I just don't want to do anything tonight. I was going to go shopping for some assorted things I've been meaning to get, but I don't have the energy. I desperately need to go grocery shopping but I am not even going to do that. I just want shut myself in my room by myself all night. Really, that's all I ever want to do lately. Fuck, what kind of a life is this? 5:47 p.m. - 2007-09-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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