This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ugh. False alarm. It wasn't him. I looked out the window in the morning, and it wasn't even a PT Cruiser. It wasn't even gold. I stayed up half the night freaking out, for no reason. I am too paranoid. Maybe it's time to stop smoking weed altogether. Yeah right, I'll get right on that. Today I have a very bleak outlook on life. I feel like there is some force working against me to make sure that I will never be fully happy. That's stupid, though. I need to get rid of this victim mentality. I've seen myself as a victim all my life, ever since I was a little kid. I might not get to go to Chicago. I am blaming it on my job, and on HB for not telling me about it sooner. But I need to take responsibility for my own stupidity. She says she told me about it earlier. I was probably just stoned and not listening. And I should have gotten more details about it when she told me the second time. I should have tried to take that week off immediately. Now some of the days of fall break might already be full with vacation requests. I have PMS right now so I'm probably overreacting. It might be fine. I don't remember if those days were full or not. But I'm pessimistic, so I'm sure they are. I was really excited about this trip. This was going to be a challenge for me. I was going to go to a big city that I've never been to before, and try new things and meet new people and try to make the best of it. I need this vacation. I just feel like every time I try to do something good for myself it's going to backfire. It's like, why even bother? I've been pretty depressed for the last... I don't even know anymore. But right now I've got PMS so it's worse. Every little thing that happens to me seems huge and overwhelming and depressing. Since I have PMS, I've got the usual suicide obsession again. I'm not going to do it. I know that I'm not thinking clearly, that my emotions are all batshit right now. But that doesn't mean I'm not thinking about it. Some days I can tell myself that it's not worth considering suicide, that life isn't supposed to be good all the time. I know that I can't be happy all of the time, and that even if I'm depressed most of the time, those few little moments when I'm content and calm and happy are worth it. Today I'm just having a really hard time convincing myself. Now if you'll excuse me I've got a half pint of Ben & Jerry's Half Baked to eat and a bowl to smoke. 6:30 p.m. - 2007-09-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shit I am scared out of my mind right now. I don't think I wrote about this when it happened, but a few months ago I was driving home from work and traffic was really heavy. I was in the left lane but I needed to make a right turn, and this bitch wouldn't let me over. So she finally passed me and I admit I kind of whipped into the right lane, but I swear I had enough space between me and the car behind me to do so. He disagreed. He followed me home and pulled into a parking space, then backed out. When I got out of my car, he stopped and yelled at me. He proceeded to lecture me about cutting him off, which I did not do. He just wasn't paying attention and didn't slow down soon enough. He said he "just wanted [me] to calm down" because he lived around here too and didn't want me putting his life in danger. I told him he was the one who needed to calm down, he followed me. He said, "And now I know where you live!" And then he quickly realized he'd openly threatened me and tried to cover up by saying, "Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to do anything, I have a daughter your age." We yelled at each other and I know I did a lot of cussing, and he drove off. Immediately after that incident I went to Walmart and got copies of the keys for the front and back door made and ordered my room mates to start locking the doors at all times. Since then every time I come home to an empty apartment I have to make sure this man is not in my home. I feel like I see people who look like him everywhere. I don't even remember what he looked like, except he had dark hair and facial hair, I think he had glasses, and he was a little tubby maybe? His car was that ugly light gold color. I think it was either a PT Cruiser or one of those similar vehicles that's really big and ugly and a total status symbol. I was so angry I can't remember, but I definitely remember it was gold. I thought I saw him walking along the street in the direction of my building one day. I could have sworn I saw recognition in his face. I saw someone who looked suspicious walking out of my building one night, but it was really dark so I couldn't tell if it was him or not. This guy at work kind of looks like him and I'm pretty sure it's not him, but I won't talk to him, I won't look at him, and I avoid him if at all possible, just in case he is that guy. And tonight, walking home from MD and HB's, this guy was running behind me. And he slowed down for a minute, then ran around the other side of the building, where I park my car. And when I looked out my window, I saw a fucking PT Cruiser, light-colored but it's too dark to tell if it's gold, parked right next to my car. I'm so terrified that it's him, that he's just waiting in his ugly car until I go to sleep. Or worse, he could already be in the apartment. I checked the bathrooms and the pantry, I did not check the storage closet or my room mates' bedrooms. All I know is he's not in my room and I'm not leaving until morning, and I'm keeping the lights on. I called HB to see if I could just stay at her place, but she didn't answer. I want to call JBen but I don't know if he's still sick. I don't want to leave because I'm worried if the guy is here, he'll follow me. And plus I have to take my car to get repaired tomorrow morning, I want to be here so I can get my stuff together. He is not going to drag himself out of bed to come over here just because I'm a lunatic. This is not normal. This is not sane. I am freaking out, losing my mind over this. I'm so paranoid that he's going to try and hurt me, or worse. I think it might be time to get some therapy before I go completely insane. I swear I just heard a car door slam. 2:07 a.m. - 2007-09-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :) So I was sitting here stoned eating Ben & Jerry's Half Baked ice cream because I figured it would be the appropriate ice cream flavor for the night, and I got a call from HB. She asked, "Were you wanting to go to Chicago?" I had no idea what she was talking about, apparently she had forgotten to tell me about this. Or more likely, I wasn't paying attention. My immediate internal reaction was NO. No way did I want to visit a big city that I've never been to before, that sounded way too scary. But I told HB, "That actually sounds like fun." So I think I'm going to Chicago for a few days next month. I have two weeks of paid vacation to use before the end of the year. I was planning on taking a week off soon and just loafing around the apartment the whole time. But a real vacation with my friends sounds like an awesome idea. I think it'll be a road trip, because HB said she wanted to stop in St. Louis for a day. She said CG and TW wanted to go and possibly LH. And KB goes to school in Chicago! So we'd get to hang out with him, which is awesome because I haven't seen him in a while. So yeah, I think I'm going to go to Chicago. 8:48 p.m. - 2007-09-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Space cadet Today I needed to ask JA a question about something. I reminded myself several times what it was that I needed to ask her. I got up and walked to her desk, said, "JA, I've got a question for you," and then I forgot what I was going to ask her. I said, "Sorry, I lost my train of thought," trying to stall for time. But it took me a few seconds before I could remember my question, and she looked at me like I was absolutely fucking crazy. Does this happen to most people, or should I be concerned? 10:54 p.m. - 2007-09-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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