This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- God damn it. JBen called this evening to ask if I wanted to get ice cream. I was just a little bit high and the idea of going out made me nervous, but I said yes anyway. I barely said anything the whole time, and I didn't even get ice cream. I told him it was because I had eaten right before he called me, which was true, but really I just couldn't talk to the guy at the counter. I was freaking out. The menu on the wall was hard to read even though the letters were huge. It was like I couldn't put the words together. We walked around downtown while he ate his ice cream, and then he asked if I wanted to go back to my apartment. I was almost completely silent during the drive home. I wanted to talk, but I just couldn't think of anything to say. I tried to think of something, but it was like my mind was going in a million different directions all at once, and at the same time I wasn't really thinking about anything. So about two blocks away from my apartment he remembered that his dad's girlfriend was in town and she had promised to buy him gas. So he just dropped me off and went to pick her up. And it's like, he could clearly tell that something's wrong, and he just left. The whole time all I wanted him to do was just put his arm around me, but I didn't want to do it myself because I didn't want to seem clingy or too attached. But I really needed him to be there for me tonight, even if I didn't have anything to say, and he just left. 9:05 p.m. - 2007-10-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My dad My mom called me yesterday, just to see how I was doing and catch up on things. She told me that my dad's been asking when I'm going to visit again, and that he misses me. And it upset me so much that I started crying after I hung up. I don't want him to say nice things about me. I don't want to like him. It's so much easier to hate him, to blame everything on him. But I guess I'm growing up, and I'm realizing that the reason people mistreat each other is because they have real problems. My own psychological dependence on weed has kind of helped me understand his alcoholism better. He drinks because he's very unhappy. Yeah, it drove a wedge between him and the rest of the family, but we're just as much at fault as he is. Instead of being supportive, we just badmouthed him. It's no wonder he acted like he hated us. But I still can't forgive him. He never tried to quit, as far as I know. After I was around six (probably when MLS was born) he stopped doing all the fun stuff with me like taking me to the museum or going fishing. When MLS and BRS were little, he didn't do any of that stuff with them. I'm the only one who ever got to know what he was like when he was an okay dad. He favored BRS, and was blatantly obvious about it in front of me and MLS. But even though he liked her best, he still yelled at her all the time. He treated MLS like shit because she has such a temper. And we always got into fights because I was old enough to understand that he had a drinking problem. He never left the shitty construction job and so he was always out of work all winter. And he just stayed at home instead of looking for temporary work. And there was the time he walked in on me in the shower. He knocked on the door but I couldn't tell if someone had knocked or if it was just someone closing the door to my parents' room next to the bathroom because the shower and the fan were so loud, so I didn't answer. He picked the lock. And instead of turning around and getting the fuck out, he said, "Who's in there?" and I screamed at him to get out. After he left I put my clothes on and screamed at him and cried. He was trashed, of course. He says he didn't hear the shower. He said he only picked the lock because he thought someone had left the bathroom locked after they left. He said he just wanted to get into the bathroom to take a shower. My mom threatened to make him sleep in a hotel, but she backed down. She believed that he was just too drunk and stupid to know what he was doing. I didn't, and I still don't. What kind of father walks in on his eighteen year old daughter in the shower? I still hate him. But I kind of pity him now. It was so much easier to just be angry at him than to feel sympathy for him. I don't want to forgive him for being such a shitty dad, or for drinking. You know, he quit smoking after being a chain-smoker for decades. If he can quit that, why hasn't he tried to quit drinking yet? God, I really need to start seeing a therapist. 6:41 p.m. - 2007-10-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Still sick. Today was a pretty decent day, after I left work. During work I was in a horrible mood. I am still very sick, and shouldn't have gone to work in the first place, but I needed to at least try to get fall break off. I asked my manager, and it is not going to happen. Whatever, I'm over it now. At work I was really depressed about it, but then I'm almost always really depressed at work. Being sick while you're depressed is pretty unbearable. I decided that after I threw up my breakfast (a peanut butter cookie and a shitload of cough drops) it was time for me to go home. There was hardly any work anyway. There never is on Mondays, except for one client that I'm not trained to process. So I told the manager I was sick and she let me go home. When I got home, I almost immediately felt better. I think it's the air at work. I always have sinus pressure at work, and once I get home I feel better. I still felt pretty shitty, though. I took some cold medicine, but it never kicked in. I am convinced at this point that phenylephrine is not a decongestant, it's just a placebo. I played MySims and surfed the net and then took a very long nap. I woke up around 6:00 when JBen called, saying he wanted to hang out. While I was waiting for him, the other JBeg sent me a few text messages and eventually called me, wanting to know when I was free. So hopefully that means I'll get to see him again soon. He got a new bike, so he's excited to make the trip over here. He also said he has a "new look." Supposedly he sent me a picture on my phone, but I have yet to receive it. I hope he didn't get his hair cut off. So after a while JBen arrived, and we watched The Prestige while eating delicious tortellini that Andrew made. The movie was really boring. It was a cool story, just really long and drawn out. We got bored and turned it off. We hung out for a few more minutes, then he decided to go home and finish his homework. It was nice to see him today. I'm getting really attached to him. I don't know if that's good or bad. I like the way I feel when I'm around him. I just don't know if I want to have to deal with the pain when he calls it quits again when he moves to New York. I think maybe it might be worth it? So I'm in a pretty good mood tonight. It's hard to believe I was so depressed this morning. It's always like that, after I stop feeling depressed, I can't remember why I was so upset in the first place. That's the main reason I write about it so much. I want to remember what it felt like. It seems like I can't remember things as well as I used to. I feel like I have to write everything down or I won't remember any of it. 10:22 p.m. - 2007-10-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Uuuuugh. I am so sick right now. I can't breathe out of my nose, my skin hurts, I'm exhausted and spacey, and on top of all that I have PMS so I just feel like curling up in the fetal position and bawling. At least I don't have a fever. I want to call in sick tomorrow because there is no way I'm going to be able to get anything done in this condition. But I have to ask my manager if I can possibly take time off during fall break to go to Chicago. Only one day is completely full of vacation requests, and it's a Sunday, and technically we're not even required to have stuff processed on Sunday. We just do it so that there isn't as much work on Monday. But I'm pretty sure it's not going to work out. Ugh, I feel so shitty. This is my fault, too. I made out with JBen when I knew full well that he wasn't over his cold yet. But it was so worth it. I wouldn't take it back even if I could. The sex was that good. He used the flogger again. I love it but nothing compares to his own hand. It's so much more intimate that way. Oh yeah, speaking of JBen. Last night he told me that a few nights ago he hooked up with some girl. He said he knew her and it wasn't just some random girl, but he didn't use a condom. She took a morning after pill, so at least he doesn't have to worry about the pregnancy risk. But now I'm worried about the risk of STIs. He told me he'd gotten tested during pride week, and came up free of any STIs. But now, who knows? Not only that, but he was all depressed about the situation. He was supposed to go to the movies with us last night, and I could tell an hour before we left that he'd already made up his mind that he wasn't going. He's so mopey all the time. I'm trying really hard to be patient with him, but sometimes I think he isn't even trying to get better. 11:08 p.m. - 2007-09-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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