This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Interesting developments in my love life So there's this guy at work who's been checking me out a lot. Every time he sees me he gets this big flirty grin on his face. And today he sent me a message. It said something like, "I hope you don't mind me writing you, but I see you walking by all the time and we smile, so I thought I'd introduce myself." And he told me his name and that he's a Scorpio, and which client he works with. I replied and told him it was nice to meet him, etc, and that I worked the same client as him so if he ever had questions he could ask me. I was all excited about it, grinning from ear to ear, and then I came home and looked him up on Facebook. I found someone with the same name and checked his page. I'm really bad at recognizing faces, especially in photos, but I swear this is the same guy. He's even a scorpio. AND HE IS MARRIED. See, this is why I'm a pessimist. Eh, whatever, at least I had the brains to look him up before I got too interested. So anyway, JBen called me last night while I was hanging out at MD and HB's. I went into the bathroom so I could talk without them listening. He said he'd bought some rope and wanted to know if I was interested in experimenting. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea to start that up with him again. He said he knew people who had multiple partners without emotional attachment, but I told him that wouldn't work for us. We talked for a while, and he told me that he'd told that girl in New York that he loved her, and explained to her that the reason he'd fucked with her emotions is because he's a sadist, and he told her his fantasies. And she had her dad call him to say that if he ever contacts her again, they'll call the police. He said he didn't want to be alone, so he came over to MD and HB's to hang out. We acted like we always do, flirtatious and playful, like we're still a couple. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and I haven't cared for anyone else as much as I care about JBen. I don't know if that's love, or what. I still don't know if I even believe in romantic love. All I know is it's painful to be around him sometimes. We are probably eventually going to get back together at least one more time, and I know it won't last. I took this test on this website that's supposed to be a fairly accurate measurement of how depressed you are. My result: Severely depressed. I don't know how accurate that is, but the test was developed by psychologists. I told HB my score and she was surprised. MD was also in disbelief and flat out told me, "You're not depressed, you're just paranoid." Nobody takes me seriously. It's like everyone thinks I'm just faking it for attention. They don't know that I think about suicide every day, and that lately I've been considering it more seriously than I ever have before. They don't know how completely helpless I feel. They treat me like I'm exaggerating. I don't want to have to deal with this anymore. 5:58 p.m. - 2007-11-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crap. Haven't written anything in a while. Haven't really had much to write about, I guess. Really the only important thing going on lately is the BK thing. He's been acting different around me than he used to. He tells me I'm cute and flirts with me. HB told me he has a crush on me and acted like I wouldn't already know that. It was obvious. The bad thing is, I am severely attracted to him, but LH likes him. For a while she thought it was mutual, and I didn't want her to get hurt so I had to tell her the truth, that he'd told me he wasn't interested in her. LH would be crushed if I got involved with him. Plus, he's got a lot of issues, and that's just a bad idea for me to get involved with someone who's just as fucked up as I am. But I can't help flirting back a little. He's just so damn cute! And I can tell he wants me, and that turns me on. The other night MD and HB had a Halloween party, and I dressed as Daria. I was wearing a black skirt, not too short but a few inches above the knee. A bunch of us were sitting around the dining room table smoking, and BK was sitting across from me on the floor. I caught him looking up my skirt under the table. My first reaction was to close my legs as tightly as possible. But I was stoned, so of course after a while I forgot to sit like a lady. I caught him looking again, and I this time I didn't close my legs. I feel like I'm kind of leading him on. But it's so hard to resist flirting with him. Let's be honest, if it weren't for LH I'd at least be hooking up with him, if not dating him. I think he knows that, too. 10:27 p.m. - 2007-10-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't know I've been thinking about suicide a lot lately. I've thought about it off and on for years now, but for the last couple of months I've thought about it more frequently, and now instead of just thinking about it I'm kind of considering it as a real option. I mean, what's the point in living? I keep asking myself that and I can never think of an answer. But every time I start thinking about suicide, I think about my family, and then I feel guilty. I don't want to do that to them. Tonight KH and I went to a show at a bar. For some reason I could not make eye contact with anyone, not even with KH. I always thought socializing would be easier when I got older. The truth is, I've gotten worse and worse. I'm afraid to call my friends most of the time. Sometimes I want to completely avoid all of my friends because I'm afraid they don't really like me. Especially JBen. I know he gets bored when he comes over, but he says he still wants to hang out with me. I don't trust people to be honest with me about liking me. I need to start therapy. I'm afraid, but I'm going to have to force myself. This is not a life. I'm withdrawing further and further and I'm worried that I'm on my way to becoming a shut-in or something. 12:33 a.m. - 2007-10-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fool me twice, shame on me So JBen came over last night. He brought his flogger. He suggested that we get stoned and eat sherbet. I didn't have any sherbet, so we were going to go to the grocery store. He wasn't driving toward the store, and I asked where we were going, and he was like, "You don't want to go to a coffee shop or anything? It's only 8:30." I said no. That wasn't part of the plan. He keeps trying to trick me into going to crowded places. He did it the other night, too, when we went out for ice cream, once we got downtown he tried to convince me to go to this really crowded coffee shop. As if just shoving me into a social situation I didn't expect would help me get over my shyness. Sorry, it doesn't work that way. So we went to the grocery store and came back and ate sherbet and for some reason, watched Top Gun, which is pretty much the lamest movie ever. But I was high, so I didn't care. We cuddled the whole time. After the movie we talked for a few minutes, and then out of nowhere he said he was going home and that he'd promised to hang out with his room mate and his friends. But... Hadn't he brought his whip over? That kind of makes me think he'd originally planed to stay here. I told him I felt like he didn't like hanging out with me. And he said, "Yeah... It's not really that fun." And then he told me he didn't want to fool around anymore (again). And I said, "Then stop!" I was so pissed. Why does he keep doing this? He needs to make up his goddamned mind. He said he thought fooling around with me would help me be more social? How the fuck is that supposed to help? The sex did make me feel more confident and attractive temporarily, but in the end his constant ambivalence toward me has really only made my self esteem lower. I don't need him to fucking fix me, and I never asked for that. I know that's something I need to do for myself. So when he was getting ready to leave I asked if he remembered his whip, and he said I could borrow it for a while. Like he was doing me a favor. Thanks, I'll just have loads of fun with this whip all by myself, with nobody to whip me. I told him sharply that I didn't want it. So he retrieved the whip and came out to say goodbye. I said bye without looking up, and he left. Of course I cried immediately. After that I just got stoned and masturbated and cried some more and then went to sleep. I was pretty depressed today at work, but I'm feeling a little better now. I still kind of wish I had someone to talk to about all this stuff, though. Or just to hang out with, really. MD and HB are in Chicago right now so I'm kind of lonely. BK's actually staying at their apartment to feed the cats, and I'm thinking about calling him to see if he wants to smoke. I've never hung out with him alone before though, I don't know if that would be awkward. Eh, I'll probably call him anyway. 6:13 p.m. - 2007-10-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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