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Tonight was awesome.

So I went over to VH's as planned, and had a really good time. The South American guys were hilarious. Just completely crazy. One of them, Mike, is the most beautiful man I have ever seen. He was nice enough to let me drink some of his wine. And then later, smoke some of his weed! I was very excited when I found out VH smokes on occasion.

I just can't even describe how much fun tonight was. I wasn't nervous or anything! I think after I smoked I was a little awkward, but not too bad. She understood that I had been smoking and drinking, so I wasn't too worried about sounding stupid.

When I drove home I got turned around like eight times. This town is so easy to navigate, but I was still pretty high. I wasn't too concerned. I just cranked up the Pixies and sang along until I figured out where I was.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention VH had a Pixies poster on her wall. I am very optimistic for this friendship.

3:28 a.m. - 2007-11-22

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Tonight should be interesting.

VH invited me over to her apartment to hang out with some people she knows. There will be drinking and cute boys from Paraguay. Those are really the only details I know. I'm nervous, but not too bad. VH seems like a pretty big dork. I think we'll get along pretty well. She's supposed to call any minute. Eek.

10:00 p.m. - 2007-11-21

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My weekend got better

Drastic change from how I was feeling the other night. Yesterday JD called me to invite me over. I'd always declined because I'd never been to his house before, and I'd have to drive on all those unfamiliar highways around the Kansas City area. But I figured, I've been feeling so shitty lately, maybe what I really need is to get out of my comfort zone and have an adventure. I realize that to most people, driving for an hour into the next state is not an adventure, but to me it's a big deal.

I didn't even get lost! And I didn't even really get freaked out on the drive over there. I gave JD a big hug when I got there. It was good to see him again. I don't even remember the last time I saw him. But it wasn't awkward or anything, it was just like old times. That's what I love about JD, we can go without seeing each other for months, but then the next time we see each other we act like we just hung out yesterday.

We hung out at his place for a while with a few of the neighborhood kids. They look up to him a lot. It was really cute. Then after a while, his friend came over with his tow truck to give us a ride. He drives it part time and just kind of cruises around listening to his police scanner to find people who need their cars towed. I didn't really want to go, but I ended up having fun just driving around for a while. We never found anyone to tow, so he dropped us off back at JD's. We watched Borat and Walk the Line, and then stayed up talking and listening to electronic music. I had a pretty good time.

I stayed the night, and finally got up around 12:30. JD was still asleep, so I played with his kitty Nala, who is the sweetest, prettiest cat ever. After a while I started feeling sick to my stomach and I really needed a shower, so I woke him up and got directions back to my place. I didn't get lost on the way home, either. I listened to Zeppelin and I was in a really good mood. It helped that it was sunny today, I think. I love fall in the midwest. The leaves are all changing colors, and the sun was shining through the clouds, and I felt like everything would be okay today.

5:08 p.m. - 2007-11-11

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Sueisfine

I kind of freaked out tonight. After I wrote that last entry, I just kept dwelling on everything. I couldn't stop thinking about suicide. And I couldn't stop crying. I had crying fits for an hour and a half. It's starting to sound like a real solution. Not a good solution, but the easiest one.

I am not proud of this, but I cut myself a few times. I feel like such a stupid kid when I resort to that. I couldn't even find anything really sharp to use. It wasn't even worth it. It didn't relieve anything.

This is so stupid. My life is so cushy. I should just take it as it comes and enjoy it, but I can't get out of my own head and I'm constantly dwelling on everything. I'm worried that it's always going to be like this. I want to try therapy, but at the same time, I know a lot of people who say that therapy fucked them up more than it helped them. I don't know, I'm stoned and I'm rambling. I need to go to bed.

4:32 a.m. - 2007-11-10

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