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Fuck you, 2007.

Hey, it's 2008 now. My resolution for this year: Stop bitching. I called NS on her birthday, and she told me about a girl we went to school with whose father killed himself. A week later, she woke up unable to use her leg. She found out she has multiple sclerosis. And then shortly after that, her dad's brother died. Her reaction: "Everybody always asks, why me? I say why not me? I wouldn't wish this on anybody else." So hey, I should really stop bitching about stupid shit that doesn't really matter. I'm trying to appreciate what I have, and remind myself that all the shitty situations I've gotten me into have still turned out pretty okay. I mean, if I had gone to college, I would never have worked at Michaels, and I would never have taken over TWalk's room in this apartment, and I would have never met any of my friends.

I'm still nervous and depressed all the time, and I still catch myself complaining pretty often. I forget sometimes how easy I have it. I just really need to get therapy. I think if I can get to the root of all my issues, I can learn to think about life differently. And hopefully get some of the anger and frustration under control. I really have felt a little better lately, just because I've really been trying to remind myself how good I've got it.

So what else do I have to write about? My holidays were pretty good. Christmas eve with my dad's side of the family was better than usual. People were making more of an effort to talk to me and my sisters and my mom. Especially my cousin Jer. And Christmas day was great too. MLS and I didn't fight at all. Plus, I got some pretty cool gifts. My parents got me a GPS navigation system for my car (no more getting lost in KC!) and my aunts got me the Pete and Pete soundtrack by Polaris. It's just as good as I expected. I feel kind of bad because I didn't get very many people gifts. I hate shopping for the people I love, because I always feel like what I get them won't be good enough. I don't know, I like Christmas because I like seeing my family, but I don't like how materialistic it is. I like being generous, but it just bothers me how happy it makes everyone to receive more stuff.

Nothing else too exciting to write about. Oh yeah, that guy at work (JI, the thirty-year-old) hasn't been talking to me as much. I think he's backed off after he found out I'm only twenty. I'm kind of disappointed, but kind of relieved. I think someone so much older than me would get tired of my immaturity fast. But he's so nice. And he seems to genuinely like me. I don't know. I think I'll just wait it out.

JBen's been coming over more often lately. I'm so sick of him. A couple of weeks ago he and a bunch of other people were over at my place. HB had brought over a slice of cake to eat, and she offered me a tiny piece. I took it, and was about to eat it, when JBen reached over and broke himself off a huge piece without asking. She called him out on it, and I said, "Just take my piece." Yeah, fine, I got bitchy with him. He deserves it! He's so inconsiderate. So I said something to HB like "Sorry, I'm just in a bad mood." And he mumbled, just loud enough for me to hear, "She's always in a bad mood." I just got up and went to bed. I should have kicked him out of my apartment. He called me for a few days (I did not answer) and left a message to apologize. I finally called him back and let him come over, and he was careful about what he said to me. He apologized for being a dick, and I told him I wasn't going to put up with his criticism anymore.

I still don't want to hang out with him. He makes everything about him. In groups, he just brings everyone down. He smokes with us and thinks too much and gets himself depressed, and then whines about it for the rest of the night. Last night we were at MD and HB's, and as usual he smoked and then whined about how he shouldn't smoke. But every time I try to stop him from smoking, he gets irritated with me. So anyway, he kept bitching about being unemployed. So get a fucking job then! Just because he went to college doesn't mean he's too good to accept a shitty job like the rest of us until he can find something better. He was whining about being hungry. MD and I got sandwiches delivered, and JBen refused to order one because he didn't want to spend the money. Well, then stop bitching about being hungry. He could have ordered it, and they're not that expensive for such a big sandwich. But he kept mumbling "God damn it!" under his breath, and shit like that, trying to get HB to offer him food. And when she did offer him some snacks, he turned it down, saying he wanted real food. He made CG take him home (which CG did not want to do yet) so he could eat. I'm tired of hanging out with him. All he does is try to get people to feel sorry for him.

12:26 p.m. - 2008-01-06

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Things have been going well.

The last few days have been good. On Friday night, JBeg, wanting to hook up again. I was hesitant at first, but I finally agreed, and I must say I don't regret it. We sat in the living room for a while and talked, and then after a while I motioned to my bedroom door, and asked if he'd like to go in. I sat on the bed, and he pushed me down and started kissing me. He pulled me on top of him and we made out for a while, and pretty soon we were both naked. He told me he wanted me to take charge, so I took him into my mouth. He loved it, of course, and pretty soon he was ready to do more. I got a condom and then he pulled me on top of him again. The sex was good. I didn't come, as usual. It's disappointing, but I'm used to it. It isn't really that important to me. The sex was still fantastic. For a while I was on my knees, with him behind me, and he spanked me. And he did it harder than usual.

He asked me how I'd like him to come, and I told him, "I want you to come inside me." He was wearing a condom, so I'm not too worried. I know I shouldn't let him do that, but it's so much hotter that way. We were standing, with me bent over the bed, and when he started to come, he grabbed me and held onto me really tight. I love that he can be so rough and so intimate at the same time.

Afterwards, he put his clothes on and lay down on the bed, and we talked for a while. He's a complete dork, but it's endearing. We were talking about our bad luck with dating. He said he didn't understand why I was single, and that I'm cool because I'm "not a sheep." Does that mean he likes me? I'm not gonna lie, I definitely have a crush on him. I feel like I can be myself around him. And he doesn't conform, he does his own thing. And come on, the sex is amazing. But he lives about an hour away, and I think next semester he's going to school in Nebraska. There's no way I'm getting myself into a long distance relationship. It's too bad though. Every time I see him I get to know him a little more, and I like him more and more. We have a lot of the same opinions about society and conformity. And the sex is so good. It sucks that I can't pursue anything more with him.

But anyway, after JBeg left I went over to MD and HB's to hang out. It was pretty fun, some people were drinking, some were smoking. MD, as usual, did both, acted like a crazy old man, and fell asleep. JBen and CP got trashed and I had to give them a ride home. Overall, it was a really good night.

So then yesterday I woke up at about 2:00 to a phone call from KH. She wanted to go out to eat and maybe see a movie. So we went downtown to a Greek and Italian restaurant, and then went shopping. I bought some cool stuff in this little shop that sells free trade stuff. We went to the video game store, and I asked the cashier about Super Mario RPG because I was thinking about giving it to AF for Christmas. He was so cute and nerdy, he described the plot in full detail. He had his glasses taped together and I told him I thought that was adorable. I thought about giving him my number, but I chickened out. He probably has a girlfriend anyway. I still kind of want to find an excuse to go back and ask him out or something.

But anyway, after that we went to Hastings and looked at music and DVDs, and KH introduced me to her friend KJ who crochets and loom knits. We hit it off, and she showed me some craft books, and we all decided that we are going to get together and have a yarn party. I don't know when we're doing it, but it should be fun. Anyway, after that KH and I ended up seeing the Golden Compass. It was okay, but not as good as AF said it would be.

After that I hung out with JBen for a while since he'd left his car at my place the night before, and then we went over to MD and HB's. LH and NW were in town, so it was cool to see them again. I finally went home around 4:30 and went to bed aroung 5:00.

And then today I hung out with HB all day. We ate Asian cuisine and candy and watched DVDs. I will probably go back over there later if MD isn't studying for finals. Anyway, just wanted to write about something good for once. This has been a really good weekend.

8:24 p.m. - 2007-12-09

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Meh.

I don't want to go back to work tomorrow. I don't want to go back to work ever. When I was a kid, I always said I didn't want to end up like my mom at some dead-end desk job, but even back then I knew I would give in and get a job like that anyway.

God, I'm so immature. It's a fucking job. It pays the rent and has good benefits and paid vacation and sick time. There are people starving because they can't find a job, and I'm bitching about mine. It's the easiest job ever. I should just shut the fuck up and quit complaining.

I've been in a weird mood for the past few days. I can't stop dwelling on how stupid I feel. I don't know anything about politics, world news, fuck, I don't even remember anything I learned in school anymore. Maybe it was a bad idea to move to a college town, where I'm surrounded by people trying to better themselves, naive kids who think they're going to make the world a better place. Sometimes I start thinking I should have gone to college, maybe try to learn something myself, but who am I kidding? I'm stupid. I can use big words sometimes, and nod my head during intelligent discussions, but I never really know what people are talking about. I never really contribute.

I hate when people try to tell me I'm smart. I'm not! I was thinking about how poorly I did in high school. I remember one time, during study hall, I was complaining about how hard my English teacher's assignments were. And this girl BG said, "They're not that hard, you just don't try." But the thing is, for me, those assignments really were hard. I never understood anything in school. Yeah, she was right, I didn't try, but that was because I felt so goddamned stupid for not understanding anything, so I wouldn't ever ask for help.

Here I am being immature again. Stuck in high school. I think about it all the time. I can't get over it. High school is over, but I still dwell on it all the time. I'm such a fucking child.

6:38 p.m. - 2007-12-02

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Dreams?

Haven't written in a week or so because not much has been going on. I've been hanging out with JBen more often lately, so that's weird. The other night we watched the game and drank wine, and it was a lot of fun. But on the way home, I started crying. I had kind of opened up to him about my insecurities, and I guess it had affected me more than I'd let on.

He came over tonight and we watched a movie. He got kind of cuddly. I shouldn't have allowed it, but I did. I feel like there's still a lot of sexual tension between us. It creates some awkward situations sometimes.

This is unrelated, but I've been having some crazy dreams lately. Some of them are nightmares, some of them are more like bad movies. I had a dream about terrorists attacking. The next day I dreamed about a boy who buried himself in the snow to hide from people who were trying to brainwash him into supporting a political candidate. And then the day after that I dreamed that this creepy man was showing up at every event I attended. Three days in a row, I've had dreams revolving around my paranoia. I don't know why, because I should be very calm right now. I've taken the week off work, so I have just been relaxing most of the time. So I don't get why I'm having nightmares. Maybe it's because I've been sleeping late into the day, or maybe it's just from smoking before bed. Or possibly even the PMS. I just think it's weird.

3:52 a.m. - 2007-11-29

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