This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Things have never been so swell Everything's building up all at once. The last few days have been pretty bad. Thursday morning, I started crying at my desk because KJ was pestering me to make a phone call to someone higher up in another office. Everyone noticed, and a bunch of people asked me later if I was feeling better. A phone call should not be overwhelming like that. I should be able to have a conversation like anyone else. That night after work I ended up having a crying fit. I tried to stop but I just couldn't. I feel like such a failure. I should have gone to college but I really don't think I can handle it. And I don't want to go, even if I could handle it. I still think it's a waste of time and money and effort. But because of this decision, I will probably have a low income for the rest of my life, not to mention the stigma associated with not having a college education. I feel like I'm not good enough for anything. I understand that this is completely irrational, that logically I deserve to be rewarded for the things I work hard on, just like anyone else. But I still feel like I don't deserve it, like there is something fundamentally unworthy about me. I think it's because of how the kids at the babysitter's treated me, and the kids in school. All throughout my childhood I was treated like an outcast in one way or another. I know I deserved that kind of treatment sometimes because I was really annoying when I was a kid, and I had no social skills. Especially in high school, when I would go out of my way to make people uncomfortable. But even when I stopped acting like that, people still treated me like shit, like I nothing I said mattered. Like I was a joke, some kind of spectacle instead of a human being. I guess it was too late. But now I'm out of school and I try really hard not to be the person I was when I was younger, and I still feel like everyone must hate me. I still feel like I deserve to be hated. Last night I went home angry because HB had a migraine and would not stop her high-pitched, girly whining. I had angry dreams. And then I woke up and I was still angry, I guess. To make things worse, when I came out of my room, JBen and CP were on my couch. They had been at the same party that ES had gone to. She knows I don't want to see JBen anymore, and she still brought him into our apartment. I was in the kitchen getting myself some toast, and he came in and asked how I'd been. I told him I didn't want to talk about it. I apologized for not answering his call Thursday night and told him I'd gone to bed around 6:30 and slept until morning. He said it was okay and that he'd just wanted me to meet his new room mate. He said he'd call me later. I think I'll go, because I do actually want to meet his room mate. And I feel guilty about how I've been avoiding JBen. I haven't decided if I'll go or not. I'm feeling better after taking a shower, so hopefully that'll last for a while. Thursday night, after I had finished crying and decided to just go to sleep, I was thinking I could just take a bunch of sleeping pills or something. I was thinking, someone in this apartment has got to have something I can take. It would be so easy. But in the end I decided to just go to sleep. 5:19 p.m. - 2008-01-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am not proud of myself tonight. I'm acting crazy tonight. I threw a tantrum because I'm too stupid to remember to buy the right kind of pads. It happens every month, I go to the store and accidentally get the scented tampons, or the pads with no wings, and I get home and only after I open them do I realize that I fucked up and bought the wrong kind. It happened today and I freaked out. I yelled and I hit myself in the head really hard and cried, and then I got in my car and drove recklessly to the grocery store. I bought $20 worth of winged pads. Because at least that way, I won't have to go through this again next month. Why the fuck do they even make pads without wings? That's like asking to leak blood everywhere. And scented pads and tampons should NOT exist. All they do is cause yeast infections. Is anyone really going to be able to tell that your tampon smells like daffodils while it's shoved up your bleeding cunt? I don't understand why I couldn't handle that like a normal person. Instead of beating myself up (literally) and crying and calling myself stupid over and over, I could have just calmly driven to the store and bought a new pack of pads. Instead I acted like a lunatic and now my head hurts pretty bad. I'm worried that I'm going to give myself permanent damage. I do it all the time when I'm angry at myself, or angry at other people that I can't confront because my anger isn't justified. I am a very angry person. I identify myself as a victim in most situations instead of accepting it as a coincidence or taking responsibility for my actions. I get mad about every little thing and I've been trying to tell myself not to let things bother me, but then I just turn the anger inward at myself for getting angry in the first place. I just hate myself so much right now. To counteract the guilt that I feel for being such a crazy bitch, I hurt myself or deny myself the things that I want, as punishment. I hit myself in the head all the time, I still cut once in a while, pull my hair, pick my skin, deny myself food or bathroom breaks, etc. Sometimes I'll pick my skin not because it relieves the ever-present need to pick, but because I think, "This will make me uglier, and I don't deserve to be pretty." Sometimes MD and HB will call and I won't go over because I think I don't deserve their company. It's why I'm not trying to date anymore. Every time I start considering pursuing somebody, I stop myself, telling myself that he deserves better, that I'm stupid and unattractive and that I have too many issues, and I would just end up being a bother. I can't even explain in words what I'm feeling tonight. There is so much pent-up self hatred inside me that I feel like if I don't do something about it soon, something very bad could happen. 7:26 p.m. - 2008-01-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Food issues I forgot to write about this in the previous entry this morning. I've been eating like crazy lately. I'm sure it's due to stress, boredom, loneliness, etc. I've gained at least five pounds, probably more. The scale at the doctor's office actually said I've gained ten, but it didn't look like it was balanced properly, so I don't think that's accurate. The more I try to restrict what I eat, the more I end up overeating. It gets to the point where I'm impatiently waiting to get hungry, or at least not so full, so that I can justify eating again. I'm ashamed to admit that I throw up occasionally. I don't consider it bulimia exactly, because I'm not really binging. It's just that I'll eat something filling, want more food, and get impatient because it takes too long for me to get hungry again. It's pretty fucked up and I need to get the eating under control. 11:29 a.m. - 2008-01-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was a rock lobster I've been sick for the last week or so. It started with just a sore throat and drainage, and then I started getting a really deep, rattling cough. I've been really achy and tired and out of it most of the time. On Tuesday I left work around noon. I went in Wednesday and stayed all day. I found out it counts as an occurrence each time you leave work early, but if you call in sick and miss the entire day, you can miss up to three consecutive days and it only counts as one occurrence. So yesterday I called in, and I did this morning too. I probably could have made it in today, but you know what? Fuck those guys. I need a break from that job, and I need time to recover. I went to the doctor on Wednesday. Waste of time and money. I went to the only walk-in clinic in town. The doctor spent like five minutes with me. She didn't even tell me what I'm sick with. I assume bronchitis or a respiratory infection or something. I know it's not just a cold because she prescribe me medicine. Zithromax, otherwise known as the Z-pak. I was hesitant because last time I took it, my ears started ringing to the point where it was unbearable, and I kept having panic attacks because I was convinced that it had given me permanent hearing damage. The ringing finally stopped, and I think my hearing's okay. But I don't want to risk it again. I should have spoken up at the doctor's office and requested something else, but the doctor seemed really condescending so I didn't say anything. I took the first dose and my ears started hurting, and my body started aching worse, and I haven't taken any more since. I'm just not going to take medicine unless I absolutely need to. Everything's growing resistant to antibiotics now anyway. I feel so shitty. I slept most of the day yesterday, and as a result couldn't hardly sleep at all last night. I was mostly just lying there in a half dream state, uncomfortable and unable to breathe. My nose is stuffy and I've been breathing through my mouth, which makes my throat so sore it burns. And my jaws have started hurting from having my mouth open while I slept. I had to take ibuprofen and acetaminophen to make it bearable. I'm still coughing too, and this morning I actually coughed until I puked. This is the sickest I've been in a long time. And to top it all off, I've got PMS right now. Tonight is my room mate's twenty-first party. A bunch of her friends are coming and some of my friends are coming too. I was supposed to stop by VH's party as well, and I was actually kind of looking forward to it because she has cool friends. But I can't because I'm so sick, and plus, I missed work today. So that's pretty disappointing. Enough complaining. I need to try and get some sleep. 8:10 a.m. - 2008-01-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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