This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page.

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Confused

Since I was fifteen I've identified myself as bisexual. I came out to my high school peers. I never told my family, but I'm sure they heard it through the grapevine. I spent a lot of time talking about being bi to my classmates, more time than was necessary, really. But I think that's normal, I think that's part of the coming out process. Because I talked about it so often, a lot of people got sick of me. I realized that when I was about eighteen and toned it down a lot. My newer friends know, but I didn't tell my coworkers at my first job, and none of my coworkers at my current job know either. It's not that I'm ashamed, it's just that I didn't want that to be the one thing that defined me as a person in my peers' eyes. Even if people are totally fine with homosexuality, bisexuality, etc. they're still going to think about you a little bit differently once you tell them. Instead of "Oh, that's ANS, she's my coworker," it becomes "Oh, that's ANS, she's my bisexual coworker." If that makes sense.

But the thing is, I have never had a relationship with a girl. The only times I've ever even sort of tried to pursue a girl were in high school, with ST and she had a boyfriend, and FW, and she just wasn't into me. I have never had sex with a girl. The more I think about it, do I really want to? There have definitely been girls I've had real crushes on. I have dreams about girls sometimes and I fantasize about them. But the only girls I can really say I ever would have dated were ST and FW, and this girl I worked with for a while, V.

I'm just really confused. If I were really into girls, wouldn't I want to date them? Wouldn't I want to have sex with them? I know part of my reluctance is because I'm afraid to try new things. I wouldn't know what to do in bed with a girl. I mean, I know what I like to have done, but I don't know how to go about doing it myself. But that's how it was with men before I had sex. For the longest time when I was a teenager, I think naked men were unattractive, that the penis was ugly. But look at me now, I love the male anatomy and I love doing everything I can to satisfy a man sexually. Would it be the same way with women?

I guess I just don't know what to call myself. I'm not too worried about it myself. I figure, if I ever meet a girl I really care for that I'm attracted to, and she's into girls, it may turn into a relationship. Whatever happens, happens, you know? But other people don't see it that way. When they find out that I identify as bi but have never dated or had sex with a girl, they scoff. "Well then how are you bisexual?" So then to them, I'm just the girl pretending to be bi for attention, like so many other girls. But I am attracted to females. I get crushes on them, and I have sexual dreams about them from time to time, and I have fantasies about them sometimes too. So what do I call myself? Bisexual? Bicurious? I don't think bicurious is the right term at all. Like I said, I'm not that worried about whether or not I ever hook up with a girl or have a relationship with one, but I just wish I didn't have to keep having that conversation with people. Sexual orientation is more complicated than most people assume.

The whole reason this is on my mind is because I had two dreams last night about girls. I had a dream that TW and I were hanging out, and she cornered me in a closet and kissed me. I pulled away and said, "I can't." It wasn't because I didn't want to be with a girl, it was because I'm having so many issues letting people get close to me lately. Then I had another dream that I was at a party and this pretty girl I've never met before was cuddling up with me in an armchair. She said she wanted to cuddle because she was cold, but I really enjoyed being that close and intimate. It's weird that I had two dreams about girls in one night.

5:39 p.m. - 2008-02-14

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Lesson learned

Lesson of the day: Don't go to SuperCuts or Great Clips or Fantastic Sam's or cheap places like that to get your hair cut. Spend lots of money on it because otherwise it will end up emphasizing all the worst parts of your face. The woman cut it way shorter than I wanted it. She said it would be just above my shoulders, and it's just below my chin. This makes my jaw look even more square and masculine. It also makes my face look chubbier and it makes me look like I'm seventeen again. The whole reason I got this haircut was because I was feeling ugly and now I feel even worse.

Anyway. CG and I hung out las night. He told me he has feelings for me. I saw it coming. He's really nice, and good looking, but I can't see myself getting involved with him. For some reason I just don't think I could have sex with him. Of course I didn't tell him that, I told him I really liked being friends with him and that my relationships never last long, and I didn't want him to be the next JBeg. He took it pretty well, he said he kind of felt the same way, that he didn't want to fuck up the friendship. But I still feel pretty bad about it. I know it took a lot of nerve for him to come out and tell me he was interested, and I shot him down.

The thing is, I'm so afraid to date now that even if I were attracted to him, I probably still would have turned him down. I can't even look at guys anymore. I don't want them to look at me. Lately when I catch a guy looking at me, I feel this overwhelming urge to hide. I duck behind my monitor at work, or I rest my face on my hand so that my hand is covering the side of my face, or I just plain get up and leave the room. Ugh, and now I have this awful haircut to add to the embarrassment. I feel so ugly.

10:51 p.m. - 2008-02-08

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Sick

I'm sick again. Probably the same bronchitis that I never really completely fought off a couple of weeks ago. I should have quit smoking while I was sick. I probably should have gotten different antibiotics that don't make my ears ring, too. The weird thing is, I felt fine yesterday. And suddenly today I feel like shit. I think I have a fever and my skin hurts, and I'm really out of it. I got up at 2:00 this afternoon and stayed up for an hour or two, then I went back to bed until 6:30. That's a total of twelve hours of sleep and I still want to go back to bed. I haven't eaten anything, either.

Other than being sick, things have mostly been better lately. I haven't been so depressed and anxious. Still really lonely, though. I keep thinking about JI at work. I can't figure out if he's interested or not. And I can't figure out if it's a good idea for me to give him a chance. I'm really afraid to let someone new in.

7:03 p.m. - 2008-02-03

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I suck.

I hate myself so much. I just went on a rant to ES and her friend about how much I don't like JBen. It was like I couldn't stop myself. And once I realized what a bitch I'd just made myself out to be, I immediately felt the need to apologize for ranting. I feel like I can't talk to anyone because if I do, it'll turn into this spiral of negative opinions about shit that isn't really important.

7:13 p.m. - 2008-01-26

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