This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Therapy I called the mental health place and set up an appointment for Wednesday, March 5th. This may or may not be covered by my insurance. I don't even care anymore, this is long overdue. I'm nervous about this appointment, but I'm looking forward to having someone to talk to and get everything sorted out. Oh, by the way, CG is back with TW now. I saw it coming. It pisses me off, because as soon as I shot him down he went back to his ex. I don't really like her. She's a nag. He deserves someone who will make him happy. Plus, she's really judgmental and impatient. I know it sounds like I'm jealous, but I'm not really. I know CG and I wouldn't work as a couple, mostly because I don't really work well with anyone. I just want him to find a girl who does work for him, instead of settling for his ex. Tonight LH is having a birthday party. I'm supposed to ride over there with MH and HB, but HB's not even back from work yet and it's almost eleven. I don't really want to go. There are going to be about seven people attending. I was actually hoping it would be a bigger party. I want to meet new people. I'm getting tired of the same thing over and over, go to MH and HB's and watch them play Rock Band for hours, smoke, and then watch Adult Swim. It's like, okay, I've seen that episode of Family Guy seventeen times now, can we please do something else now? I'll be glad when I'm 21 and I can go out to bars, just for a change of scenery. 10:47 p.m. - 2008-02-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The past and the future I was looking through all the pictures I have saved on my computer tonight. There are a bunch of pictures that I took at all of the parks in my hometown, pictures of trees, creeks, kids playing, clouds, and a lot of pictures of BRS. We used to go to the park together all the time. I miss that kid. I need to spend a lot more time with her. And then there were all the pictures of family events, mostly Christmas and birthdays. Back when my sisters still looked like little kids and my cousins were babies. And I have a lot of pictures from when I first started getting to know LH and MD. I kind of feel like crying. I guess I just miss those times. I miss my family, and I miss how things used to be with MD before HB came back from Europe, and I miss living with LH. It's weird to look at all the pictures and to think that I was depressed back then, just like I am now. I can't really remember it anymore. When I look back, I always feel like I didn't really have anything to be depressed about, that I was feeling sorry for myself and overreacting. So is that what I'm doing these days? Overreacting, getting depressed over nothing? Probably. Every time I get like this, I feel like my whole world is ending, like there's nothing I can possibly do to fix things. But give it a month or so, and I'm okay again. This cycle needs to end. I'm calling the mental health place again tomorrow, and if they're closed for the holiday, I'm calling Tuesday. This is too important to put off any longer. 12:08 a.m. - 2008-02-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lonely Today I had a pretty weird dream. I was hanging out with BK and CG and BK made a reference to the grim reaper character in the Guitar Hero games. He said he'd noticed the grim reaper prancing around outside while playing Rock Band earlier. He said that if the people around you could see the grim reaper hanging around but you couldn't, that meant that the reaper was coming after you. Later someone mentioned that they could see the grim reaper in the room. I couldn't see him. I was terrified that I was going to die. Then I guess I sort of woke up, but not all the way. I was still panicking about the dream, and I tried to fling the covers off but I wasn't fully awake yet so I couldn't move. All I could look at was my black and white Kurt Cobain poster. It's a close-up of his face and it's really ominous looking. His eyes are kind of shadowed, so without my glasses on it looked like a skull. For a minute or so I was convinced that something had really come to kill me and take me away to a terrible dark place. And then I woke up fully, pushed the covers away from me, and calmed down. So that was how I started my day. And to make things worse, when I walked into the living room, JBen was sitting on my couch. I said hi, went into the kitchen, opened the fridge for no reason, closed it, and went back into the living room. I decided I'd be civil and ask how things were going. And I apologized for being a bitch and not talking to him the last time he was over. I explained that I had just been really surprised to see him and that it was too awkward for me. And then I went back into my room and crawled back into bed. I've been pretty depressed today. I guess it kind of carried over from last night. I was over and MD and HB's place and LH was in town. They kept trying to talk me into dating CG. I keep trying to tell them that I can't date right now. I need to fix my issues before I can let someone in. I can't even see myself in a committed relationship, ever. It's the same every time I try. After a month or two of dating someone, I can't stand him anymore. All the little things he does drive me crazy. I start to hate the way he talks, the way he thinks, the way he touches me, the way he eats. I feel cheated. Why can't I stop sabotaging every chance at happiness that comes along? Anytime I have a chance to start what could be a really good relationship, I start picking away at it until I can't possibly enjoy it anymore. 5:51 p.m. - 2008-02-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dang. I finally got the guts to call the mental health place here in town. I guess it was after hours because all I got was an automated answering system. Oh well. I saved the number in my phone, hopefully I will still have the motivation and confidence to call back on Monday during business hours. Wait, crap, Monday's a holiday, sort of. They probably won't be open? Then again, crazy people are still crazy during Presidents Day. Today I was feeling more confident than I have been lately. There's this very attractive guy I've had my eye on for a while. I'm not even remotely considering dating him, but I could definitely hook up with him, if he turns out to be single. I catch him looking at me when I walk by his desk, but I don't know if he's looking to see if that crazy girl is staring at him again, or to see if that cute girl is checking him out again. I never know how to read people. I'm pretty sure it's because he thinks I'm cute, though. Oh yeah, I like the haircut now that I'm used to it. I think it makes me look more mature (not necessarily older, but definitely more mature). And my split ends were terrible. Plus, everyone keeps complimenting me on it, even coworkers whom I've never talked to before. So I guess I look pretty damn good. In other news! CG is hanging out with TW again. His ringtone for her is that song Beautiful Girls by Van Halen (at least I think that's what it's called?). I don't know if he just never changed it from when they were dating, or if that's his standard ringtone, or what. But they did hang out yesterday (Valentine's Day, ugh). Does that mean something? Ever since he told me he has feelings for me, I've been dwelling on it. I am kind of attracted to him, I guess. I had just kind of forced myself to view him as off limits because he was dating TW. And I guess it just kind of stuck after they broke up. But the night he told me how he felt, I actually had a bunch of dreams that we were just about to kiss or just about to have sex. And every time we were about to do the deed, I would either wake up, or in the dream someone would burst in and interrupt us. I don't know if that means I subconsciously want to have sex with him, or maybe all of the stuff preventing us from hooking up in the dreams actually signifies my reluctance to have sex with him? This shit is confusing. I'm not too disappointed that he's hanging out with TW again. I mean, I am a bit jealous, but whatever. I'm still afraid to get involved with someone, especially someone I've become such good friends with. It wouldn't be fair for me to expect him to wait for me to stop being crazy. But I don't like that he might be thinking of getting back together with TW, mostly because she seems like a pretty naggy girlfriend. Also, I always kind of felt uncomfortable when she'd come around when they were dating. She always shows up, stays for an hour or so, and then leaves. I can't help but feel like she leaves so early because she's bored with us or doesn't want to hang around a bunch of stoners. I've always kind of felt like maybe she didn't think to highly of me. But I'm probably just being paranoid, I mean she's called me to ask if I wanted to hang out or to tell me about sales at stores she knows I shop at. That means she likes me, right? Whatever, if CG wants to get back together with her that's his decision, but I just think he'd be better suited for a less demanding girl. 6:15 p.m. - 2008-02-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||