This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tired I'm so tired lately. I keep wanting to just crash when I come home after work. I usually fight the urge, though. Every time I try to take a nap one of my room mates is playing obnoxious music. I tried to sleep after work tonight, but AF was playing techno. I'm sure he wasn't playing it loud, it's just that his computer is right up against the wall that my bed is next to. So it wouldn't really be justified to ask him to turn it down, because I'm sure it was already pretty quiet. It was so frustrating though, all I could hear was thump, thump, thump, the same beat in every song. After lying there for close to an hour, I just started sobbing uncontrollably. I don't think I could have stopped myself if I had tried. I didn't even try, though, I just went with it. I thought I'd been doing better lately, but the crying fit indicates that I was just repressing things again. I forgot what else I was going to write about. I want weed. 9:12 p.m. - 2008-03-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Boooooored. Things have been okay lately. MD and HB are on vacation until Monday, so I've had nothing to do. I've been hanging out with BK. As predicted, he seems to think that since I was the one who called him, that means I must secretly be into him. I'm not going to lie, I'm attracted to him, but hooking up with him would be a terrible idea. He's still pretty cool to hang out with, though. He talks a lot more openly about stuff when it's just one on one, and he listens more too. He might be getting me weed this weekend, but I didn't have enough cash to pay him up front, so maybe not. At this point I'm not really missing it that much. I mean, I'm not quitting, but I don't feel like I need it anymore. We'll see how long it lasts this time. JD came to visit last night. We drank a huge bottle of wine. It was pretty fun. We didn't really do anything, just drank and watched TV and talked. He kept hitting on me, though, like he always does when he gets drunk. And he kept saying he needed to talk to me about something, but then he never would. I guess he kind of did bring it up once we both got drunker. He has feelings for me. Duh, I already knew that. He's always had feelings for me. It makes things uncomfortable, but not so much that I want to stop hanging out with him. Man, it's annoying though. Why can't someone I'm not already close friends with be attracted to me? The picking is bad again. I need to cut my nails. It's sad, that that's what I have to resort to in order to keep from destroying my skin. I lost my fingernail clippers though, and I keep forgetting to buy new ones, so as a result my breasts and shoulders are covered in scabs and little pink bumps. I made some pretty bad marks on my face, too. Last night I had a crazy dream that I had run into DW from my old job while I was out grocery shopping. We decided to get together to hang out, and somehow ended up in my room, on my bed. I asked him, "So what do you want to do?" And he pulled me on top of him and started kissing me. I think we ended up having sex, but I don't remember the entire dream. What I do remember, is getting up out of the bed and seeing a skinny guy with chin length blond hair. I don't remember the part of the dream when I had sex with the blond guy, but I know that it was violent and degrading. And for some reason he had a vial of sand, and he made me swallow it, just to be cruel. The whole time, DW was still in the room. He was angry that I had discarded him in favor of the blond guy. What the fuck is wrong with me, that I dream stuff like that? 9:06 p.m. - 2008-03-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - I called in sick today. I woke up with the worst cramps ever. I felt like I was going to puke and I could hardly keep from crying. To make things worse, I went on a hour long walk yesterday so my legs were even more achy than usual. So ten minutes before I had to go in, I called in and said I had the flu. I'm pretty mad at myself. The cramps got better. I should have just gone in anyway. I don't get much sick time, and it's only March. Now I've used up three and a half days. Plus, they're pretty strict about attendance. I could get fired for missing too much work all at once. The mental health place called me the other day. They were trying to set up the first appointment with the therapist they'd selected for me, but nothing was available after my work hours until April 22. I told them I didn't want to wait that long, and now they're going to try and match me with a different doctor. Haven't heard back from them yet. I'm kind of starting to wonder if therapy will even help. I don't know, I'm being pessimistic. I've been really depressed lately, probably due to PMS. Maybe it'll go away since I started today? I hope so. Last night HB and I saw Juno. The movie is supposed to make you feel good because things work out in the end. Movies with happy endings make me feel more depressed than movies with sad endings. So we were hanging out after the movie and I was more energetic and talkative than usual, to the point where it was probably pretty obnoxious. And I realized that I was just trying to cover it up. And I kept acting that way anyway, instead of just being honest. 5:31 p.m. - 2008-03-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ... This week has been weird. I'm very glad I have my therapy session this Wednesday. 12:20 a.m. - 2008-03-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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