This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page.

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Party pooper

KU just won the championship. This is only the third time Kansas has ever won. Everyone is freaking the fuck out. My friends are all out partying. HB called and said she was just across the street from the complex, but then we got cut off. I know I'm not 21 until Saturday, but I think the bars will make an exception for such an occasion. I kind of want to go out and force myself out of my comfort zone. But I kind of don't want to get trampled. Regardless, I don't want to stay in the apartment alone all night.

11:19 p.m. - 2008-04-07

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You don't trust anyone 'cause you're untrustable

I had my therapy session yesterday and found out that the therapist they selected for me doesn't work with my schedule, and neither do any of the other available therapists. So I'm pretty sure I'm going to cancel my next appointment and try to find a therapist somewhere else. It sucks because this is a large, well-known organization and so I guess I trust it more than some of the smaller mental health organizations in town. But I can't be leaving work early once a week to go to mysterious "doctor's appointments." I need to find a place that actually has evening sessions available.

I don't know if I like the therapist they set me up with. Every time I said something she would get that look on her face like I'd caught her off guard. And every time I mentioned something that I had a hard time dealing with, she'd say "I think everybody goes through that." Okay, maybe that's true, but the last thing I want to hear when I'm trying to open up is "Oh, that's no big deal, it happens to everyone!"

I've been stressing out today trying to decide what to do about the therapy situation. I was trying to use some of the things my therapist told me yesterday to help myself stop thinking so negatively, but it just ended up backfiring. It's like, I can tell myself it's no big deal, but I'm not able to make myself believe it. So tonight when I got home, I got blazed and just pleasured myself all night. I lost count of the number of times I made myself come.

I don't even remember how long it's been since the last time I had sex. I think it's been since December. I'm going crazy. I'm tempted to do stupid things like hook up with BK. He has started blatantly flirting with me. I can't help but flirt back, and he knows it. I catch myself alluding to my sexual experiences. It's like I can't stop myself. No, that's a lie. I can stop myself, I just don't. I like the attention. I am being irresponsible and if I keep this up I might end up doing something very stupid, and I will probably ruin the friendship.

11:26 p.m. - 2008-04-02

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My nose hurts!

I got my nose pierced Saturday night. So that's pretty neat.

I had a stressful day at work. I have a new manager and we had a "meet and greet" type meeting. He asked a lot of questions that really put me on the spot, like my goals for the next few months, what I wanted to do with my life, etc. He tried to analyze me like a fucking shrink. I don't trust him. He acts all cool and laid back, but I don't trust him at all. I can just tell that behind his chill facade he's criticizing everything I say, trying to see what makes me tick, and that's not okay with me. I don't want to move up in the company. I want to do the same thing I've been doing, because it's easy. I'm good at this position, and I don't need him fucking things up for me. I want to just do my job and be left alone.

My therapy appointment is tomorrow. It's about damn time.

5:54 p.m. - 2008-03-31

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I hate myself for hating myself.

HB posted some pictures of me on Facebook. They're not terrible pictures, and I actually look better than usual in them. But all I can think about when I look at them is how ugly I am compared to the other people in the photos. My jaw is too square and my nose is just weird looking. I can deal with the forehead and the cheekbones, and I can even deal with the caveman brow. Hell, I may even be able to learn to live with the man-jaw. But I hate my nose.

It's got me wanting cosmetic surgery again, like I used to. And every time I start thinking about it, I feel guilty. I'm supposed to be all about being true to myself and not caring about others' perceptions of me. But here I am wanting to change everything about the way I look so that I will be attractive to other people.

Maybe it's because I look like my dad. The resemblance is very strong. When I worked retail I'd occasionally see customers from my hometown who knew my dad, and they always said they could tell I was related to him as soon as I mentioned his name. He is disgusting to me. I don't want to look like him. And it sucks because neither of my sisters look like him. BRS looks like my mom and so she's becoming a very pretty girl, and MLS has always been very conventionally attractive. Meanwhile I look like a fucking man.

12:38 a.m. - 2008-03-27

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