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Nightmares

I've been having nightmares lately. A week or so ago, I had a dream that zombies attacked my parents' house. Two nights ago, I woke up with sleep paralysis. If you don't know what that is, it's basically when you wake up from REM sleep, but your body doesn't, so you're unable to move for a minute or so. Some people say it feels like someone is sitting on your chest, some people experience auditory and/or visual hallucinations, and there is almost always an alarming feeling that something is wrong. This has happened to me a few times, and only when I've ended up sleeping on my back. This time I had been having a dream that this creepy guy was loitering in the parking lot outside my apartment, and was probably going to come in after me. Some noise must have woken me up (I think it was Billy scratching at the door) and it looked like some small animal was moving around under the covers. I guess I was still half asleep and dreamed that I moved my hand to push the creature away, but it wouldn't move. And then I woke up fully and realized that I hadn't moved my hands at all, and that in fact, I couldn't move them. Pretty scary, but once I had a few minutes to wake up and was able to move again, I was fine.

And then this morning I had a dream that my grandma V had died and we were at her funeral. Then I guess the dream continued to show how she had died. It was like a movie, almost. I was expecting it to be from illness or a heart attack or something, but to my surprise it was from freezing to death. The dream started with her in the backseat of a van with her friend, driving up a mountain road. They had come to a fork and instead of taking the safe road, they took the steep one because it was a faster way to get up the mountain. And then they were climbing the mountain, and my grandma was having a really hard time and her friend kept moving forward without her. At one point a bunch of snow fell on top of her and suddenly somehow I was in the dream with them, and I rushed over to help her and she emerged from the snow with her fingers cut off (no idea how that happened). And she was dying, freezing to death. I woke up feeling scared and sad. I have no idea what this dream means but it is alarming that I keep having nightmares like this.

1:45 p.m. - 2008-05-10

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This will be a long entry.

Things have been pretty ridiculous lately. I guess I'll start with JD. For the last few weeks he has been very depressed, obsessing over his ex girlfriend, binge drinking, etc. He was being so clingy, I wanted to strangle him. He came to town to hang out with his brother DD, and convinced me to join them and a bunch of other people at DD's friends' house. DD is a good guy and I've always liked him, but some of the guys he hung around with in high school were complete dicks to me, including KS, who was there that night. The rest of the people there seemed decent enough, just really preppy, not the kind of people I'm used to hanging around with. We went to a couple of bars and then JD came back to my apartment. He was drunk and kept saying, "I'm here for you, I'm here for you." I finally snapped and yelled at him, "You are not here for me, you're here for you." I went on to tell him that all he really wants out of me is someone to listen to his problems, he doesn't want to return the favor. I told him that all he does lately is obsess over JK. And I told him that when I do try to talk to him about my problems, he always tells me that he's got it so much worse than me. I don't know if I got through to him or not. The way he's been acting lately, I don't think he's even capable of being there for someone else until he can get over this JK thing.

Then the next night we were supposed to go to this free showing of the Big Lebowski at this bar/theater downtown. I knew he loved that movie, so I invited him. KH and I went, and MD and HB met up with us, but I never heard from JD that night, despite multiple attempts to contact him. I had a good time and it was pretty nice to have a break from him, but I knew he had to be back home drinking and I was a bit worried, but mostly pissed off. He called me at 4:00 am, drunk, to apologize for not showing up. He wouldn't explain why, and I didn't push him to, because I was sick of his self-indulgent (and self-destructive) immature bullshit.

A few nights later he called me to tell me that he was checking himself into a mental hospital. And then the other day he called from the hospital. His first words were "You were wrong, I am bipolar." He also told me that he'd attempted suicide on the Big Lebowski night, by drinking a lot of alcohol and taking a bunch of pills. So he's on medication now, and of course he claims to feel like himself again. I really hope for his sake that they've diagnosed him properly, and prescribed the correct meds. But I have a sinking suspicion that it's all just a placebo effect that will wear off.

So on to my issues. Lately I have no self esteem. I look in the mirror and my eyes well up with tears. I'm trying to lose weight. I have cut out junk food and even pop (soda for you non-midwesterners) from my diet, and I keep pestering HB to exercise with me, because I'm too self-conscious to do it by myself. So far all I can convince her to do is walk. But really my weight is the least of my concerns. I feel like even if I lose weight my face will still be unattractive and masculine. HB says I'm crazy, that my face isn't masculine and I'm imagining all of my flaws. So if that's true, then why don't guys ever give me a second look?

And even if I am feeling okay about my face, which happens from time to time, there are other things I'm ashamed of. I don't remember if I've ever written about this in this blog, but this is something I can't stop obsessing over, to the point where I'm considering surgery. I hate my labia. I hate them. I feel like they are so ugly and that if any man sees them he will be disgusted with me. I'm just going to come out and say it: I have steak drapes. Beef curtains, meat tarp, whatever you want to call it. My inner labia protrude out of my outer labia. I hate them.

Ask almost any American man, and he will tell you that he finds this type of labia extremely unappealing. This is 100% because of pornography. See, a lot of pornstars get labiaplasty so that they have cute little camel toes, with everything nice and neat and tucked in. Basically they just lop off the protruding part of the labia. So now there is an increasing number of men who are horrified when they come across a woman who has steak drapes. JD used to talk about how disgusting it was, and so did Dmark. Dmark even told JD that I had them really bad. BK has expressed a dislike for steak drapes as well. I am so ashamed of this, I can't have sex with the lights on. Nobody will ever give me oral sex. Most of my past sexual partners only ever performed the act for me once, and then never again. I am convinced it's because they can't bear to look at it up close.

I don't want to look like this. But I don't want to get surgery just because I've given in to the ridiculous, sexist beauty standards that men have for women. Plus, with surgery there is the risk of decreased sensation. But where does that leave me? Hating myself, with a shitty sex life because I am ashamed to be seen and because men don't want to go down on me.

Ugh, I'm rambling. None of this even makes any sense.

I will end with a quick update on the pot situation. Since 4/20 I have only smoked once, and that was last night, at LH's house. I was responsible and only took two hits. I was mostly okay, not paranoid or anything. There was one time in the car on the way home, when I had been thinking about some personal stuff, and I started worrying that I had actually been speaking out loud instead of just thinking. It was enough to remind me why I decided to quit. I am too crazy for weed. All in all I am pretty content without it now.

9:19 p.m. - 2008-05-03

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Quitting?

I think I'm going to quit smoking. After 4/20, of course. I keep going back and forth and thinking that maybe I can just smoke occasionally, and then deciding that I definitely need to quit for real. I don't want to quit because it really is fun to get high. But I'm not accomplishing anything. I kept telling myself it was because I didn't know what I wanted to accomplish. I don't know what I want to do with my life, I don't know what I want to become. But I do know that smoking weed all the time is not going to help me figure out what I want out of life, it's just going to help me hide from it a little longer.

It's going to be hard because most of my friends still smoke on a regular basis, and when I move in with TA he'll be smoking it pretty often too, I assume. I'm thinking I might still do it on occasion, but just not buy my own supply. I will of course be happy to pay others back if I mooch off of them too much, though. But if I have my own supply, I am just going to smoke all the time, and my apartment will get even messier, and I will get fatter and lazier and more withdrawn.

Speaking of being withdrawn, I have been avoiding my friends a lot lately. MD and HB to be specific. Sometimes I want to completely cut off ties with them and their (our?) whole group of friends, and I don't know why. They'll call, and I won't answer, or I'll tell them I'm going to bed, even though I'm not. Maybe I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything with them either. HB tries her hardest to appear to be selfless. She volunteers at the homeless shelter, she's going to be a social worker, and while I know that she does care a tremendous amount about human rights and social justice... I feel like she does a lot of things out of vanity. Ask her what her major is, and watch her face just light up when she tells you about how she's going to be a social worker. She thinks that she is an amazing person for doing this, and sure, she is, but it's like... How can I explain this... It's like she needs everyone to know what an amazing person she is.

I don't know, that's not the only reason I've been avoiding them lately. I just don't really feel like socializing much. Maybe it's because of the social overload from my birthday weekend, I don't know. I just want to relax by myself or just go to sleep most of the time.

Actually, I've been hanging out with BK a lot lately, just one on one. He's a lot different when we're not in a group setting. In groups, he tries to impress everyone all the time, singing, drumming on couches and tables, going on long political rants, etc. When it's just me and him he calms down a lot and we can have a normal conversation, and he'll listen to me if I want to talk about something. Not that I usually open up, but it's comforting to know that if I ever decide to talk one day, I've got someone around who won't judge me.

The thing is, we have been flirting like crazy. This is bad. I admit there is ridiculous sexual tension between us. He's pretty attractive despite his increasingly scrawny frame (pretty sure he's got an eating disorder at this point), and I know he's attracted to me. The other night we were at his place and I was lying on my stomach on the couch. He came out of his room and made a motion like he was going to smack my ass, and made a joke about how tempted he was to do so. Then a couple of nights later we were at my place and I swear he almost actually did it, and then stopped at the last minute. I squirmed away, but couldn't help grinning, and he said, "You like it." So he knows I'm obviously attracted to him. And he said something along the lines of, "You know, I find it amusing that we're both always complaining about never getting any sex, but neither of us has ever propositioned the other." Man, you don't know how close I was to calling his bluff and saying, "Fuck it, why not?"

This would be a very very bad idea. It would complicate so many things. Our friendship would most likely be ruined in the end. He could possibly develop stronger feelings for me than just physical attraction, although I'm pretty convinced that he already has developed those feelings. And honestly, I just can't see myself ever wanting anything remotely serious with him. And then there's CG. I'm pretty sure he still likes me, even though he's currently still with TW (but I don't see that lasting much longer). He would be pretty pissed off if I started fucking around with BK after I shot him down. So you can see why messing around with BK is a terrible idea, but I am so close to saying fuck it and going ahead with it anyway. Right now I just kind of want to make some bad decisions despite their consequences.

I've been pretty depressed this month. I'm having frequent crying fits, and after work all I want to do is sleep. I've been having a lot of suicidal thoughts again. My self esteem is extremely low. I don't understand why anyone likes me. I guess sometimes I can almost see why. But lately most of the time when I look in the mirror, I see someone who is ugly and fat with bad skin and greasy hair. When I hear myself speak I immediately regret it, and I remind myself to try harder to keep quiet. I feel like I'm the most awkward, obnoxious person, that everything I say is a mistake, and that even my movements are awkward and ungraceful. Of course if I feel this way about myself, I expect everyone else to feel the same way. Other people, including my therapist (more about her later) have told me that this isn't true and that I can't assume that I know what other people are thinking. I try to convince myself that's true but like I said, I just can't understand how someone could like me. I feel like everyone just tolerates me.

My next therapy appointment isn't until the end of May. I didn't want to wait that long but apparently therapy is not for people who have day jobs. This was the soonest they could schedule an appointment after my shift. I was about to give up and just go without therapy, but these last few weeks have been enough to convince me that if I don't do something about it now, it's just going to get worse.

I almost kind of wish it would get worse. I almost kind of want something to push me over the edge, to make me completely stop caring, so that I could finally end things and not have to deal with anything anymore. Man, looking back on that last sentence, I realized how much of a fucking pussy I am.

7:50 p.m. - 2008-04-18

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My birthday

I turned 21 yesterday. I went to a couple of bars Friday night at midnight with KH, JT, and JD, and met up with MD and HB. I got pretty drunk and had a pretty good time. KH was pissing me off because on the way to the bar she was criticizing my driving, just like she always does.

JD stayed the night at my apartment, and since his brother had driven him into town, he couldn't go home until his parents came to pick him up sometime between five and six o'clock at night. I was going fucking crazy. I tried to drive downtown just to get away from him and get some time to myself, but it was so goddamn busy I couldn't find a parking spot. I got nervous and upset, and I just gave up and went home. I went straight to my room and had a panic attack/crying fit. I need time to myself or else I start to freak out. I can't even describe how terrible I felt. I couldn't stop crying.

Once he finally left, I tried to take a nap because I had an excruciating headache, and everyone kept calling me and texting me to tell me happy birthday or to ask what my plans were later that night. I finally fell asleep, and then AF came home with RH tagging along. They told me they had booked a room at this karaoke place, and I started sobbing uncontrollably. I told them I couldn't handle singing. They were very understanding and said they hadn't paid yet and we didn't have to go.

Once I was finally out at the bars and drinking, I was fine. I had a really good time last night. I didn't get too trashed or anything. We went to several different bars and I tried lots of different drinks. Afterwards we walked to RH and TA's place to smoke. I didn't end up getting home until about 4:20 am, coincidentally.

Today was more laid back. I spent the afternoon with my family and then came home to relax. My mom got me an MP3 player but I have no fucking clue how to use it. Every time I plug it into my computer, it adds every fucking MP3 file to it without my consent. I'm furious with myself for being too stupid to use it. I ended up pounding myself in the head, I got so frustrated.

That reminds me, the night of my last entry,I ended up cutting my leg with a safety pin a bunch of times. I haven't done that in a really long time. It was because MD and HB left to party downtown without me. Every time my friends do something like that, I turn into a fucking lunatic. I'm not proud of myself at all.

I'm in a really bad mood tonight. I can't get ahold of BK and he has my weed. I tried calling twice, and texted him once, with no reply. I'm out of weed here at the apartment and I could really use an escape.

Oh by the way, I'm a size nine now. Fucking nine. I used to be a three in high school. I can't even begin to explain how much I hate myself right now.

10:34 p.m. - 2008-04-13

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