This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fuck you, PMS. Today was pretty awful. This morning my manager and another manager asked me to work on a special project, updating the procedure library for my department. My manager sent me to the wrong room, which was being used for training, so I already headed into the situation nervous and embarrassed. Everyone participating in the project was at least ten years older than me, and had been at the company longer than I have. They told me I could break for lunch whenever I wanted, so I did, and when I came back they were all gone. I had been told not to process any work while I was working on this project, so I didn't know what to do. So I did what I always do when I'm not sure what's going on, I panicked. I went into the bathroom and started sobbing. I couldn't stop. I was hyperventilating. I would stop crying, wash off my face, and go back into the stall to wait for my face to stop being so flushed, and then I would start crying again. I was in there for half an hour before I could finally stop crying long enough to look halfway normal again. I was thirty minutes late to clock back in from lunch, and I decided to just talk to my manager and tell him I couldn't do it. I went into his cubicle, told him I didn't think I was the right person for the project, and when he asked why, of course I started crying again. Because I am a baby and when people ask me what's wrong, I cry. I felt that it was necessary to tell him that I have social anxiety, even though it's not really any of his business. But I felt that he deserved an explanation. So great, now my boss knows I'm crazy. The whole thing was humiliating. To top it off, I told him I didn't think I could stay at work for the rest of the day because I kept having panic attacks. He acted pretty sympathetic and seemed understanding, but I don't know if I can trust him. I'm worried that he's going to think I'm unreliable now. Whatever. If I get fired, good riddance. I hate this fucking job. I cried on the way to my car, I cried on the way home, and I got into bed and cried until I fell asleep. I slept from 1:00 to 6:30. I know it's unhealthy and I'm using sleep as an escape from the anxiety and depression, but it felt so good. I woke up wondering why I had been feeling so completely freaked out and depressed. This always happens. I freak out, or get really depressed and my head fills with bleak, helpless, desperate thoughts, and then I get some sleep and wake up and it feels like it didn't happen, it feels like everything is mostly okay, and I can't understand why on Earth I had been so upset earlier. I'm thinking at this point that I probably require medication for depression and anxiety, in addition to the therapy. You know, the therapy sessions that I attend like, once a month. I was going to try to avoid medication because I don't really trust it, and don't want to have to rely on pills when what I should really be focusing on is trying to like myself. But I think it might be necessary in order to keep me from completely flipping out like I did today. Today was one of the worst days I've ever had as far as my emotions go. When I was driving home I thought, I could do it today, I could end this. I wouldn't have to deal with work anymore, I wouldn't have to deal with the self hatred, I wouldn't have to deal with disappointing everyone, with making everyone uncomfortable. I wouldn't have to be a burden to anyone anymore. If I didn't have my family to worry about, and my friends, I probably would have entertained the idea much more, instead of just going to sleep. I feel better now, we went out for Chinese food, and tonight is MD's birthday. CG got him some weed, and I know that this will be completely escapist, but I don't care. I am going to smoke myself silly tonight. 10:05 p.m. - 2008-05-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ... I guess this is kind of random, but I really love Diaryland. Not a lot of people seem to know about it, and since it doesn't offer as many options for free accounts as Livejournal or Blogger, it's not very appealing to people who just want to post pictures and try to make friends. I like reading the blogs here because usually the writers actually use it as an outlet for something that's really causing problems in their lives. It's so interesting to read people's individual stories, to know that there are people out there that I can relate to, and it's refreshing to find people who are honest about their issues. Anyway. I've been in a weird mood tonight. Today was mostly okay. We ran out of work before I even clocked out for lunch, so I was bored all day, doing busy work and taking extra breaks. I hate days like this because I feel like I'll get in trouble for not working, even though there's nothing for me to work on. I have too much time to think while I'm at work. I spent most of the afternoon comparing myself to all the girls who are prettier than me. And there are a lot of them in my office. I wish I could stop obsessing over this. I just get so jealous when I see these girls with their soft, innocent, inviting faces, when mine is harsh and kind of angular and masculine. I always look like I'm frowning, even when I'm not. I was thinking about cosmetic surgery again today. I want to be attractive, but at the same time I just can't imagine myself looking any different. I can't comprehend the idea of being the same person, but with a different face. Is it sad that the only way I know how to identify myself is through physical ugliness, or is it healthy that I've accepted my aesthetic flaws as reality and something that I can't change? Fuck, I don't even think that last sentence makes sense, now that I've re-read it. I don't remember if I've mentioned that I've been (kind of) trying to lose weight lately. For about two weeks I was doing really well as far as not eating junk food, and I even cut out pop for a while. But people keep inviting me to go out to eat, and my family keeps feeding me, and it's very difficult for me to resist. Plus, when I'm at work, and there's nothing to do, I eat all the time. It's usually reduced fat stuff like the 90 calorie bars or snack crackers or something, but still, I shouldn't be eating if I'm not hungry. And when I get angry or upset, I just say fuck it, and eat whatever the hell I want, out of spite. Who I'm spiting, I have no fucking clue, I guess out of spite for myself? It's not healthy, physically or emotionally, to just eat all the time like this when I'm unhappy. On an unrelated note, if you are reading this, that's pretty sad, but also, you should check out Pandora radio. You just type in a band or song that you like, and it creates a whole station based on that band and similar artists and songs, and you can rate them based on whether or not you think your station should play them. It's like Yahoo Launchcast radio, but without the screaming advertisements every four or five songs. And you can create as many stations as you want. The only downside is that you can only skip so many songs an hour, but if you have multiple stations you can just go listen to one of those for a while. 8:39 p.m. - 2008-05-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ridiculous weekend I had a busy, crazy weekend. Friday was fun, karaoke for HB's birthday. I got trashed (I think I covered it up well though) and sang some Backstreet Boys songs. People tell me I did a good job? I don't know, I was drunk so at least I thought I sounded good, let's hope I was right... Then Saturday MD and HB and I drove out to RH's parent's house in this smaller town in Missouri for her graduation party. We got severely lost for a while and MD and HB were arguing and HB was doing her usual spoiled princess act, and I was sitting in the back seat literally pulling on my hair. We got to RH's about half an hour before her party was supposed to be over, but luckily it ran long so we had time to hang out. We went to HB's mom's place in KC for a while, and then went to this outdoor mall for yuppies and their children, to kill time before we went to a casino. The majority of the outing was just me and MD waiting outside while HB tried on clothes. We went to this Mexican restaurant to be harassed by the waiter for being vegetarians. I gave him no tip, and MD gave him a very small tip. While we were there, HB got a bunch of calls from people bailing on the casino trip. I understand both sides, because casinos sound pretty lame. But it was HB's birthday, and if people didn't want to go, they should have told her up front, instead of acting like they wanted to go and then bailing at the last second. We ended up just not going, which is fine by me, but I feel bad for HB. Today I visited my family. It was pretty laid back, hide and seek with my little cousin, sitting outside with my mom, playing video games with BRS. MLS told me that NS was in town visiting her family. NS's little sister had told her about it. MLS said I'd better call her if I wanted to hang out before she left. Fuck that. If she wanted my company, she'd have called. It really hurts that we were so close in high school (at least I'd thought we were) and as soon as she moved away she cut off all ties. I was always the one who had to call her. I called her on her birthday in December, but she did not call me on mine this year. I'm done with it. Oh yeah, LH called me today. We mostly talked about HB, but we also talked about my therapy (or lack thereof). My next appointment is at the end of this month. Keep in mind that I haven't had one since mid-April. How the fuck is that supposed to help me get better? I am not optimistic about this whole therapy thing. Even if I do get more regular appointments scheduled, I just don't feel like it will help. I guess I feel like I've been in this mindset for so long, I'm kind of stuck. I don't think I'm ever going to like myself, I've been conditioned for so long to believe that I'm inferior that I just can't shake that belief. I still think about suicide pretty regularly. I won't do it, it just seems like that's the only way to really get rid of these feelings that I'm an unpleasant, undesirable person. 1:25 a.m. - 2008-05-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I unlocked the diary again. That's right, it's open for anyone to read again. I edited most of the names to either initials or nicknames. It took fucking forever. Hopefully I won't get paranoid and lock it again. Honestly I don't know why I feel the need to share how messed up my thought processes are with the public, it's not like they're interested. I just really feel like this is the only outlet I have sometimes. 7:25 p.m. - 2008-05-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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