This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lame Therapy was lame. I don't really like my therapist. When I told her I thought I had PMDD she didn't even know what it was, and when I told her it stood for premenstrual dysphoric disorder, she said, "Oh, we used to just call it PMS." Okay, yeah, there's standard PMS that makes a woman moodier than usual, and then there's PMDD which is severe enough to affect a woman's daily life. I'm not talking about mildly annoying mood swings, I'm talking about the inability to get out of bed, or half hour long crying fits in the bathroom at work. I feel like she's instantly dismissing every issue I bring up. She acts like it should be no big deal. And yeah, she's right, a lot of the stuff I worry about shouldn't be a big deal, but for some reason it is to me. I know that I'm being irrational a lot of the time. I don't need her to tell me that, what I need is for her to tell me how to fix that. Still, I was able to talk about some stuff that's been bothering me for a long time, nothing I haven't already discussed with my friends, but it's nice to be able to give her an idea of what may have caused a lot of my insecurities and anxieties. I scheduled another appointment, hopefully it will be better than last. And I need to start communicating with her better when she's not understanding me. 6:29 p.m. - 2008-05-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nervous My therapy appointment is tonight. Hopefully it goes better than the first one. She probably doesn't remember anything we talked about in the last session. I barely do. It was over a month ago. But the other day at work they told us they were going to be more lenient on schedules, instead of worrying about the exact time everyone clocks in, they're going to just make sure everyone reaches the amount of hours they're supposed to work. So I could start getting regular appointments if I can shorten my lunch and leave fifteen minutes early at the end of the day. I'm nervous about this appointment. And pessimistic. I'm worried that she's going to tell me that the reason I'm still unhappy and still have low self esteem is my fault because I identify myself that way. She kind of said that last time, about the anxiety. She said that I have to stop thinking like someone who has social anxiety. Man, I should just stop worrying about this appointment and just let it happen how it happens. I need to remember to be completely honest this time, and not try to sugarcoat things, and not try to cover up things that I don't want to admit. 5:19 p.m. - 2008-05-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Man I need some sleep. I should be asleep, it's 5:15 a.m. I've finally sobered up from another night of smoking at MD's. I've smoked every night for six nights now, and I'm sure I will continue until all of my friends run out. This is why I can't have my own, because if I had the option, I would just be sitting at home smoking all the time, unless I had to be at work. I know I should just quit completely, but it's so tempting. And I've been feeling depressed and crazy this week due to PMS, I think it's okay to hide for a little while longer. It's tempting me to cheat on my "diet" though. I ate almost an entire ten inch pizza. I saved one piece for lunch tomorrow. Oops. I really don't have anything to write about. I feel like something's wrong but I can't really pinpoint what it is. I was in kind of a funk today. I woke up and told myself I was going to wash all of my clothes, but instead I played PC games and lay in bed all day. It was so hot in my apartment that the only thing I felt like doing was lying naked in bed, with no blankets and both fans on full blast. I just don't have the motivation to do chores around the apartment. I need to get everything washed and packed for when I move in a month. I still haven't even found a new apartment yet. I suck at adulthood. 5:18 a.m. - 2008-05-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ... Today I decided that I am ugly so I plucked my eyebrows thinner than usual and I feel a little bit better. Also I decided that I have too many digestive problems, and also I need to lose weight, so I'm just not going to eat very much anymore. See, the weight loss thing wasn't enough on its own, but seriously, I am SO FUCKING TIRED of dealing with the IBS that I am willing to just suck it up and control my eating. I hear you get used to being hungry. I work with a girl who fasted for two weeks. She said it wasn't about weight. Her story was, she had told someone else at work that she was going to fast for a week to clean out her system, and he'd bet her she couldn't do it, so they decided to see how long she could last. After she started eating again, she ended up in the hospital due to dehydration. She swears this was not because of the two week fast. I kept telling her it was stupid and unhealthy. And it was, but that's not why it upset me so much. I was jealous of her discipline. So I figure if she can cut out all food, I can cut out at least some. This is unrelated, but I found out there is a machine called a large hadron collider that could potentially cause mini black holes? I know nothing about physics but that sounds terrifying. And they're like, "Hey, we know this could potentially be dangerous, but we're gonna test it anyway, 'kay?" So great, something new for me to obsess about in fear. Thanks, science. 9:01 p.m. - 2008-05-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||