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Doing better

I haven't been depressed for the last few days. Maybe still a little irritable, but when am I not? I feel like I've been acting really stupid and childish. I have been overreacting to everything. I need to work on keeping my head on straight when a situation arises that makes me uncomfortable. I'm still planning on taking meds, I'm just waiting for my next therapy appointment to bring it up.

I don't know if it's the change in my moods, or where I am in my cycle right now, or what, but I have been unbelievably horny lately. To the point where I'm seriously considering propositioning BK for sex. Which is a terrible idea. I'm so frustrated! I haven't been laid in months. Since the winter, I think. Oh well, I supposed I've gone longer than that before, I'll just have to deal with it.

7:47 p.m. - 2008-06-11

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Kansas sucks.

So I'm pretty sure there are going to be tornadoes in the area tonight. They've been saying in the weather reports that the conditions will be right for tornadoes, anyway. There's a pretty big storm on its way. I'm pretty worried, but I'm trying to stay calm. Man, why do I still live here? Every summer it's the same.

Tomorrow's supposed to be nice though, which is good because I'm going to a huge outdoor music festival. I guess sometimes the bands play as late as 4:00 am. I'm going Saturday night, too, if the weather permits. I'm pretty excited.

I went with MD and HB to pick up my tickets last night. MD bought his first, and I asked for tickets for Friday and Saturday, and they guy told me that MD had just bought the last one for Friday. Which sent me into a bitch fest. I acted like a spoiled child. I told them I felt like I was unlucky and like I was just destined to be miserable. HB of course spewed out her flowery bullshit about how she's lucky because she has a positive attitude. No, she has a positive attitude because a lot of things just magically work out in her favor. I wasn't born pretty, and my grandma didn't leave me a huge inheritance. I didn't get to go to a fancy private school, and I have to work for the money I use to pay for bills and food. She only works a few days a week and that's only because she wants extra spending money.

I know I'm whining, and playing the victim role. I hate myself for it, and I'm trying to stop. But she can't just tell me that a positive attitude helps you avoid all negative situations. Sometimes shit happens regardless of how blindly optimistic you are.

I ended up freaking out majorly in the car on the way home. I told them I couldn't believe they put up with me and that I was extremely grateful to have them. Fuck it. I'm going to start taking antidepressants. I was worried I wouldn't be myself anymore. But fuck it. I hate myself right now. Good riddance. I don't want to be this person. I want to be the kind of person that others enjoy being around, and right now I'm just a crazy bitch who brings everyone else down. So fuck it, I'm going on meds.

9:13 p.m. - 2008-06-05

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Confession

Goddamnit, fine, I admit it. Sometimes I do want some romance in my life. Yeah, I'd love to have a guy say sweet things to me and give me flowers and light candles, and go out of his way to make me feel special. I want a cute, sweet story of how we met. I want a guy to one day confess to me that he's had a crush on me for a long time, but he was too shy to tell me about it. I want someone to love and to love me back. I'm not saying I need diamonds and expensive dinners. I just want to know that someone cares about me.

But I tell everyone, and I tell myself, that I don't want those things, because I don't think it will ever happen for me. Nobody's ever really attempted anything like that for me. I guess when you spend the first eighteen years of your life being told that you're ugly and greasy, you kind of start to believe it, and you start to think you deserve it. So as a defense mechanism, I act like I don't care that I've never had someone who truly cares about me. I act like I don't want that anyway. Sour grapes, right? I scoff at romantic comedies and make bitchy comments when couples get too cutesy in public. I never let on that I'm interested in a guy because I'm sure that he won't be attracted to me, and instead he'll feel creeped out and uncomfortable. And when I'm in a relationship, I try my hardest to be aloof, to not get too attached, and to never be clingy.

But I admit it, I do want a real relationship for once. I want someone I can really talk to. I want someone to tell me that I'm intelligent and beautiful and amazing, like in the movies, and I want them to mean it this time. I want someone I can trust, who doesn't have an ulterior motive, who's not just settling for me until he can find a prettier girl or a better lay. I wish I didn't feel like this is an unreasonable request.

8:47 p.m. - 2008-06-02

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This weekend

This weekend has been different. LH invited MD and me to her new apartment in KC. MD was stoned and forgot to tell me that we'd be staying the night there until we were getting into the car. I ran inside and grabbed a few things, and then we left for KC. LH's place is really cute and cozy. It's perfect for her, she's really happy there.

We smoked, and CG ended up coming over and so of course we smoked some more. We watched his Flight of the Conchords DVD. ANd then I think TW must have called him and told him to come home. All I know is he got a phone call and went into the bathroom to talk in private, and then came out looking at the floor saying he had to go home. That poor guy is so whipped, and he knows it, and hates himself for it. I feel so bad for him.

So anyway, MD and I both slept on the floor. I woke up sore and stiff. LH was saying she had to leave for work, and left her keys with us. She said she needed them back by four. Really, she should have just kept them. MD had to go to his family's for a while but I wasn't comfortable with that, so I just stayed and slept in LH's bed. When he came back he said he'd given LH her key back. We hung out for a while and then he went to pick up HB from the airport. I wasn't able to go because of course, he'd given LH her key, and so if we both left we would have had no way to lock the apartment. So I slept some more and had some crazy dream about being harassed by a female police officer.

The LH came back and we smoked and talked a lot. I love hanging out with LH because she knows what it's like to be completely crazy and irrational and unhappy, and so she'll listen to me ramble about my issues. We don't have to use TV or video games to keep us entertained, the conversation is enough.

HB finally woke up from her nap and she and MD came over. We ended up going out for pizza and then coming back and of course, smoking again. We listened to music instead of watching TV, and talked and acted completely ridiculous and silly the whole time. I love smoking with the three of them because I'm comfortable acting stupid and silly around them.

The whole day today was very laid back and low-stress. I know we probably shouldn't have smoked so much, but it was out of fun, not out of necessity. All in all, this has been a good weekend, so far.

3:46 a.m. - 2008-06-01

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