This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page.



I am so pissed off right now I can't even describe it. TA just told me tonight that after he spent two weeks procrastinating and not checking out the apartment, that he went today and doesn't want to move there. MY LEASE IS UP IN NINE DAYS. I HAVE NINE DAYS TO FIND A FUCKING HOME!

I want to tell him to just fuck off and find a new room mate. He still has another month before his lease is up, I have ten days. He said I should just move in with him when RH leaves. I would have to find somewhere else to live for a month. That's bullshit! RH said she could just move into her grandma's place a month earlier than she'd planned, but it's not fair making her pay for TA's negligence. And I don't want that apartment. There are brown recluse spiders there, and there are no washer and dryer hookups.

Because of all this, I don't even want him as a room mate anymore. I don't respect him after this. But I still don't want him to hate me when I back out. Why am I like this? Why do I care if someone I don't even like anymore hates me?

I am thinking about very bad things. I am thinking about slitting my wrists or taking pills or something. That's stupid, though. Just because I can't find an apartment? People have suffered through much worse situations than this. Ugh, I'm just so pissed and scared and depressed though. What the fuck am I going to do?

11:39 p.m. - 2008-06-21


Stressed out

I wish I had someone to comfort me when I'm feeling like this.

I was doing better for a few days, maybe even a week, I don't know, I lose track of time. But today I was at work and I looked in the mirror and wanted to cry. I'm PMSing and on top of that I'm stressed out over the whole apartment situation. My lease is up on the 30th and TA still hasn't checked out the one apartment I actually had the motivation to look into. He knows I have to move in eleven days. He knows this and he still won't take half an hour out of his day to go look at the place I could have already fucking moved into by now.

I don't know what to do. I want to tell him to just forget it and find another room mate, and just get a one-bedroom. I can afford it, but I don't want to put him in that situation. And I'm sure that if I did end up calling it off, he wouldn't like me anymore, and I would really like to be friends with TA even if we don't end up moving in together.

Fuck, I don't even want to live with him anymore! I'm worried that he won't even like me, that I'll be stuck living with another room mate that I hate. I suspect that he'll get sick of my cowardice and unwillingness to go out and socialize. I'm putting way too much pressure on myself here, and just like my therapist says, I'm being too hard on myself.

I'm going to bed for a while. I might end up going to the hookah place with VH later tonight and if I do go, we'll be out really late. And plus, I just really don't feel like being awake right now.

5:25 p.m. - 2008-06-19



I had another therapy session yesterday. It went better than the previous two. I guess I'm starting to realize just how hard on myself I am. It's frustrating, I know I shouldn't think so negatively about myself and that there are people who are a lot more abrasive and unpleasant than me. But when you spend your childhood and adolescence being treated like you're inferior, you start to believe it. It's hard to get rid of those feelings, the feeling that you're a nuisance, the worry that if you get too close to someone or even just speak to them, they'll reject you.

I told HB the other night that I worried sometimes that our group of friends didn't really like me, and that they were just tolerating me. She assured me that it wasn't true and that if she didn't like me she would just stop answering my calls, like we all did with JBen. I said, "I know you guys do like me, I guess I just don't understand why." And she said, "That's a really depressing thought." She's right, it really is.

I told my therapist that I want to try medication. She said it takes about a month before they can get an appointment scheduled to prescribe meds. I'm worried that they'll have unwanted effects. I know a lot of people say meds make them feel like they're not themselves, but that's not what I'm worried about. I'm tired of feeling like myself, or how I've come to identify myself anyway. I won't mind feeling like someone else as long as I'm happier. Mostly I'm worried about weight gain or sexual side effects. I don't want my sex drive to decrease.

Although lately maybe it needs to. I'm ridiculously horny lately. All I can think about is sex. It's so frustrating! It doesn't look like there will be an end to my dry spell any time soon either. Probably for the best, really. I don't know if I can handle that kind of intimacy right now.

9:54 p.m. - 2008-06-18



Tonight was good. First of all, I was listening to Pandora radio and discovered a Japanese shoegaze/dreampop band called Asobi Seksu. So that makes me pretty happy.

Then HB and I went out for food and then we went to the new hookah lounge in town. I like it a lot better than the other hookah place I've been to here. It's more laid back and has way less frat boys. CG met up with us, so of course TW came out for a while but went home early, much to my delight. MD met up with us too, and then so did RH. It was really relaxing. We had chocolate coconut flavored tobacco with milk instead of water. It was delicious. We tried to play Mario Kart for the Wii, but it was taking too long to get all the controllers adjusted to our liking and I got bored and quit.

The only downside to the night was when we paid and all of us wanted to split it equally except CG, for some reason. If he thought he didn't eat as much food or smoke as much hookah or something, that's fine, but he should have vocalized it instead of crossing his arms and sulking and sighing. Every once in a while he would mumble something about it being stupid to do it that way, but then when we'd try to ask him what he'd said he'd say, "Oh, nothing." So yeah, he was being a little bitch, and I am so glad I didn't end up dating him. I've dated enough men who act like spoiled children, thank you very much. Man, at least when I complain about stupid crap, I do it out loud instead of passive aggressively. But other than that one issue the night was really fun, really laid back. And now I am going to bed.

1:28 a.m. - 2008-06-12


previous - next

latest entry

about me





random entry

other diaries: