This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Holy shit I did not disappear. I haven't written in this blog in almost three months. I moved and my rent doubled, and I haven't been able to afford internet. I've barely been able to afford food. But I just found out that the local shitty wireless internet provider has a service that lets me sign up for just a day for a couple of bucks. I wish I'd been informed about this sooner. Three months without porn, e-mail, news, etc. I was starting to miss it. A lot's happened. And I mean a lot. Soon after I moved (July 7th to be exact), BK was over here and we were just hanging out and talking. We were supposed to go over to MD and HB's but we both agreed that they were boring and we could wait a while longer to watch yet another Family Guy rerun. HB kept texting us and nagging us to come over, and she finally sent me a text saying that BK could sleep at my place (as he was still crashing on friends' couches at the time) and that they were going to bed. But my new apartment is tiny, and I couldn't fit my old couch in here, so there was no place for BK to sleep. I had been feeling cuddly all night, and I guess I finally gave in to all the chemistry I'd been trying to ignore between us, and told him he could sleep in my bed. My plan was to allow him to cuddle with me, and for a while that was all that happened. But my left arm started hurting and so I turned around so that I was facing him. After some awkward positioning, we cuddled some more and he kissed my forehead. And at that moment I just stopped resisting. I kissed him, and he kissed back, and I told myself, I'll just make out with him. This doesn't have to turn into sex. And then a little bit later I told myself, I'll just let him feel me up a little, it doesn't have to go any further. Right. We all know I have no self control, and of course we ended up having sex, and it was some damn good sex too. I think we stayed up until 3:00 in the morning, and I walked into work five hours later with a big dopey smile plastered on my face. And ever since that night we've been inseparable. Literally, you can't pull us off of each other. We are always cuddling or holding hands or kissing each other on the forehead or cheeks. At first we tried to just be fuckbuddies, but that didn't last long at all. We stopped trying to keep it casual and accepted that we had something more, and now I refer to him as my boyfriend instead of "that guy I've been seeing." He's been staying at my apartment this whole time, and now that he's employed again he's paying his half of the rent. I always thought I wouldn't be able to live with a significant other, but it was a surprisingly easy transition. I miss him when he's at work, and I look forward to coming home during my lunch break because I get to see him, even if it's only for half an hour. He makes me so happy. He treats me better than anyone else I've dated. The other guys would tell me I was beautiful or sexy or amazing, but it never felt genuine, it was always just empty flattery. BK tells me that I am beautiful and sexy and amazing too, but he also tells me that I'm intelligent, that he respects me, and most importantly, that he cares for me and appreciates me. I feel like he really understands me, and because of that, he is very patient with me when I start acting crazy. The other guys got freaked out when they realized how many issues I have, and decided I wasn't worth their time. But BK even stayed and held me while I had a crying fit and told him about why I've got such low self esteem, and he cheered me up and made me laugh afterwards. Also, the sex is amazing. He is the first person who has ever been able to bring me to an orgasm. I feel very comfortable with him and I'm not afraid to let loose in bed. He's very attentive to my needs and the sex is always really passionate. We almost always come at the same time, and that makes it even more intimate. I think I love him. It's so scary to think about, because I've never been in love before. But I think he loves me too. We always say "I heart you," and this morning he said something cheesy like, "I heart you a lot. A lot a lot. There aren't enough 'a lots' to accurately express how much I l-heart you." It sounded like he was about to say "love" and then caught himself. Today he told me that I'm his world. I want to tell him I love him, but I don't want to scare him. At this point though, I'm not sure that it would. I think I'll end up saying it pretty soon, if he doesn't say it first. All in all, things are going well. I've finally got a little bit of money again now that BK's paying rent, I'm in the most fulfilling relationship I've ever had, and I just feel happier. I still get depressed and anxious, but mostly it's because of all of the things happening with politics and the economy and world events lately. The world's getting scarier by the day, but I feel like BK makes up for it. I'm even smoking less pot now that BK's out on bail (I forgot to mention, he got busted in the next county over for possession). I was able to go several weeks without it, and it didn't bother me in the slightest. I realize this entry is mostly about BK, but that's because he's kind of consumed my thoughts lately. Like I said, he makes me happy. Not a lot else has happened. I'm still in therapy and my therapist is not getting that most of my self esteem issues are not the result of my dad's alcoholism, but instead the result of years of ostracism from my peers as a child and adolescent. Every time I try to explain this, she shifts the focus from my past classmates to my family. I need to just be direct about it and not agree with her all the time. I don't think she's full of shit anymore, I think she's getting the wrong idea about me because I've been holding back. 8:46 p.m. - 2008-09-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sleep paralysis I had two sleep paralysis nightmares today. The first one, I was lying on my right side facing the wall, and when I woke up, out of the corner of my eye I saw a man standing over my bed, with a dark brown sheet draped over him, like a ghost. I couldn't move and when he started to move toward me, I screamed (or tried to scream? I don't know if I actually did or not). I couldn't move. I tried to thrash around, and it finally worked and my body woke up. I rolled over onto my left side and went back to sleep. The second time, I had rolled onto my back, but my head was still turned to the left. I woke up unable to move again, and saw the face of an old woman buried in the pile of clothes next to me. Her face was red and blue and purple, fat and saggy and wrinkled, and she spoke to me. Her voice sounded very eerie, the voice of a very wise old woman who knows more than she ought to. I can't remember what she said to me, but I remember being very alarmed and disturbed. I almost remember it being like a warning, words about terrible things that were going to happen, to me or to someone else, or to the whole world, I can't remember. All I remember is that it was very ominous. I knew for sure this time that it wasn't real, so I was able to remain mostly calm, and I just kept trying to move and telling myself that once I could move and fully wake up, she would go away. I tried to move my arms and I think I hallucinated them moving a couple of times until they finally moved for real. These are both alarming because this is not only the first time that I've experienced sleep paralysis when I was lying on my side rather than my back, but also the first time I've had hallucinations of human figures. Not only that, but a human figure that moved towards me, and one that spoke to me. Before, it was usually the same thing, a feeling that something was wrong, and sometimes I would see something that I imagined to be a small animal moving toward me under the covers. It's getting more terrifying, and I don't know if that should be a red flag for me that my mind is getting more fucked up, or if it's just because I'm depressed and stressed out about moving. Either way it's really scary when it happens. 6:57 p.m. - 2008-06-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WOOOOOO. I think I have an apartment lined up? I need to pass the background test first. It's tiny and probably not worth as much as they're asking for, but it's pretty much all I can find at this point. The woman who showed me the apartment was very nice (she knits!!) and so was the woman in the office. I really hope I pass the background check. I'm worried that when they call the complex where I'm currently living, they'll tell them about how my cat shits on the floor all the time. I really hope they don't screw me over, because I really need this apartment. I'm so excited to be moving into my own place! I can do all the stuff I was never able to do here, like walk around naked or sing or dance or play my music at night. I can decorate how I want and not have to worry about my room mate drinking my juice without my permission. I'm going to be broke, most likely, but I don't even care about that right now. At least I'll be broke with my own place. 6:16 p.m. - 2008-06-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Something interesting happened So earlier I was logged in to AIM. I guess I forgot to log off before I left my room, and I was watching TV and then reading a book in the living room for a while. I came back into my room to find that JBeg had signed on and had been trying to talk to me. He left his number so I called him, and he is currently in Rhode Island training to be a pilot for the Navy. Which is fucking crazy. But he says he'll be back in MO in July, and he will be making frequent visits to KC. He asked if I was still a "Bob Marley wannabe" and I told him I'd cut back with the weed, and that I had been smoking it too much because I didn't want to deal with stuff. He asked what kind of stuff, and I kind of clammed up. I was very vague, I told him that I just have some issues, but that I'm working on it and I'm in therapy. He said I could talk to him if I needed to, and that he wouldn't keep in touch with me if he didn't care about me. So that was reassuring. I've always worried that he was only after sex, and now that he's said that I think I'd like to try to be better friends with him. I think he's really fucking cool, but I've always been afraid to get too close to him for fear of scaring him away. In other news, I talked to TA today and kind of hinted that I'm thinking about getting a one-bedroom if he doesn't get off his ass and find an apartment. He said he'd make some calls tomorrow morning and try to find some places that are open after five so that we can both go look at them. I still don't want to live with him, but I don't want RH to start hating me because I supposedly screwed over her ex-room mate. Anyway, I'm feeling a little better about the apartment situation. I know I can find some sort of solution, even if it isn't ideal. Whatever, I'll get through it. 7:34 p.m. - 2008-06-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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