This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I think of you all day long Jesus I'm sore. Today I worked out for the first time since I was fifteen. It wasn't intense or anything, but after six years I figure I ought to ease back into it. BK came with me and helped me out. He and I are going to work out three times a week from now on. It felt good to work out again. I'm going to feel like shit tomorrow, but tonight I felt good. And I feel proud of myself for finally stepping up and taking responsibility for my weight. I just need to work on not feeling so embarrassed when I work out in front of people. I feel like I'm doing it wrong, and I feel like everyone else will judge me. BK was very patient. He kept reminding me that everyone started out as clueless and out of shape as I am right now. Only in nicer words. I'm not afraid to say it anymore, I love him. We tell each other so on a regular basis. We're in the giddy stage, where we can't stop saying it. It's crazy. I have never felt so strongly for anyone. I miss him when we're apart. All day at work I look forward to seeing him. And when he comes home from work I get bummed out if he doesn't come straight to bed. It's silly, because I'll just fall back asleep, but I want him to be around me as much as possible. I hate sleeping alone now. It's not the same. I miss him tonight for the dumbest reason. HB and I saw Zack and Miri Make a Porno tonight. It's about two room mates, Zack and Miri, who can't pay the bills so they decide to make a porno. Spoiler alert, Zack and Miri have sex in the porno and then realize that they are madly in love with each other. I'm sure that's not much of a spoiler, seeing as how all of the movies Seth Rogan stars in seem to have the same plot: Hot girl and dorky guy never expect to end up together, but hey what do you know, they fall in love after all in the end. Big surprise. Anyway, it reminded me of BK because in the movie they swear the sex won't change their friendship, but of course it does. It was the same with me and BK. We swore we would just be fuck buddies, and look at us now, we've been living together ever since and we've been together for four months now. I still think about that first night and how sweet it was, and how glad I am that it happened. I tried to deny it at the time, but even that night it wasn't just sex. It was more intimate than it had ever been with anyone else. And four months later it remains just as intimate and sweet as it was that first night, maybe even more so. The only word I can think of to describe it is beautiful. I never imagined how comforting it would be to be able to collapse onto someone after orgasming and say "I love you." I could go on about him, but I need to get some sleep. I am so very sore and tired. 12:06 p.m. - 2008-11-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The L-word? Tonight after BK and I finished having sex, we were cuddling and goofing around, just being silly. I don't remember what I did, but he said, "You're a dork, and I love ya for it." I know he didn't mean to say it and that it slipped out. But I don't think he'd take it back, even if he did say it by accident. I told him I loved him too. I wonder if I really do, or if I've just made a mistake? I go back and forth pretty often. One day I'm head over heels and I'm convinced that it's love, and the next day he upsets me and I consider breaking up with him. The problem is I see things in black or white, and when I'm angry at someone I feel like I don't even like them anymore. 12:23 a.m. - 2008-10-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wasted away again in margaritaville I had a dream last night that I was hanging out at some random guy's house and MD was with me. I was stoned and for some reason I kissed MD, and he didn't act surprised, he acted like it was familiar, like we did it a lot. But I remember that immediately after kissing him I looked at his face and was shocked that it was MD, not BK. Then MD went downstairs so it was just me and the random guy in his bedroom, and I can't remember if anything actually happened in the dream, but if not, it was definitely implied that we had sex at some point. Lately I've been finding myself getting excited like I used to when men pay attention to me. If a coworker looks like he's checking me out, it's a little bit of a thrill for me. I'm not going to cheat on BK, and I don't want to really, but there are still a ton of people that I would consider sleeping with if I were single. This is what usually happens after I've been dating someone for a few months, but it's different this time, I think. Normally I would have lamented the fact that I was tied down, but this time it doesn't really bother me. I mean yeah, it would be nice if there weren't so many rules in relationships and we could both sleep with whoever we wanted, but I know that would just make things unnecessarily complicated. The way I see it is, why compromise a relationship that is both emotionally and sexually satisfying just to obtain the occasional fleeting cheap thrill? I don't know how long I'm going to stay with BK, but I hope that it lasts a long time. He is the first man I've been able to think about in a more long-term manner. With all the other relationships I've had, I knew that they wouldn't last for more than a few months. I just couldn't connect with any of them. It really feels different this time. I'm scared, though. I'm scared of the future, for both of us. This country is circling the drain. The economy is shit right now and the government scares me. Most other parts of the world hate us and I don't foresee this country's image improving any time soon. We're both pretty serious about moving to Canada. I just don't know how feasible it is. BK will most likely be put on probation after his court date, and I don't know how long that will last, but I do know he won't be able to leave the country. My lease is up at the end of June but I don't know if I'll be ready by then. I don't know anything about moving to another country, and I don't know how to become a citizen. I don't know how much this is going to cost me. Mostly though, I'm piss scared. I've never left the U.S. before and now I'm considering moving away for good? I can deal with leaving my friends behind. I'm getting tired of them anyway. But the thought of leaving my mom and sisters, my grandparents and my aunts, is heartbreaking. My mother especially will get her feelings hurt. I broke the news to her that we wanted to move, and I don't know if she took me seriously or not, but she wasn't happy, that's for sure. Another thing that worries me about moving, is that I'm afraid we won't be able to find work immediately. Money is already tight and I don't see that improving between now and next summer. I'm worried that even if BK's probation is over before then, we won't have enough money and will be forced to stay in this shithole for another six months or even a year. I probably have more to write about but it's getting kind of late and I still need to take a shower before I go to bed. I must confess I'm slightly drunk and I'm getting really tired. Whatever, I regret nothing. 11:40 p.m. - 2008-10-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the point? I've been very depressed lately. Maybe for a few months? At least for the last few weeks. I'm having doubts about everything, my job, BK, my friends, my future. I'm worried that my relationship with BK isn't going to be as smooth as I had originally predicted. Sometimes he'll say something that'll strike a chord with me, and I'll call him out on it, and he just gets defensive. The problem is, he's intelligent and confident, so he always wins. Even if he's wrong, he still wins because in his mind he knows that he's right and I'm ignorant. Of course I'm not confident and I'm not well read, so all he really has to do to shut me up is tell me about some article he's read and tell me to "look it up." Which sends me into a self-induced guilt trip for being such a typical ignorant American, which in turn sends me into a guilt-induced depression. It's not that he means to do this, because he always feels very guilty after he realizes that he's made me feel this way. He's not the one harming the relationship, it's my own insecurity that could end up putting a wedge between us in the future. I still care about him but I'm just trying to look ahead and determine if this whole thing is really a good idea or if my insecurities will sabotage yet another relationship. Then there's my friends. I don't even see the point in hanging out with them anymore. HB is controlling and selfish. I don't care if she's going to be a fucking social worker. If she can't even share a bite of food without expecting to be praised for her generosity, she is not going to be of much help to mankind. MD is still cool and I wish I could hang out with him more without HB around, but he follows her around like a damn puppy. He was so different when she was in Europe. He was more philosophical and introspective and insightful. He seemed to really care about me as a friend, whereas now he regards me as a buddy. And don't even get me started on CG. He is completely fucking whipped by a woman who considers herself a feminist when all she really is, is a manhater. He is clearly miserable with her and smokes a ton of pot to make up for it. He laments that he's not in school but he doesn't make any effort to go back. He hates his job and he never seems to work at the same place for very long, but he just keeps getting the same job over and over again. You'd think someone who hates being a delivery driver would try to branch and you know... Stop being a delivery driver? I don't know, it just bugs me. I see a lot of myself in him, I guess, so I don't like being reminded of how shitty I am when he's around. I just don't see the point in socializing anymore. I have BK here now, and I usually feel like that's enough to fulfill my socializing needs. I never want to go out anymore, or even over to MD and HB's, because it just feels like a chore. It's Friday night and I've been invited to hang out with HB or go out drinking with VH, and all I want to do is get stoned, listen to music, and go to bed early. 9:57 p.m. - 2008-10-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||