This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fucked up dreams I had a dream last night that I was pregnant. I had a big ol' pregnant belly and maternity clothes and everything. And somehow my family never noticed? Anyway, the dream fast forwarded to after I'd had the baby girl. I think I gave her some weird name that I wouldn't have considered naming a child had I gotten knocked up for real. I can't remember what it was, though. Anyway in the dream my mom called and we were just talking about random shit like we always do, and we were saying our goodbyes when I was like "Oh wait, did I tell you what happened the other day?" She said no, and I said "I had a baby girl! I named her (insert baby name that I can't remember)." Of course my mother was shocked. I was pretty nonchalant about it though. After we discussed the baby some more, I hung up and went into the kitchen, opened the freezer, and found my baby girl frozen in a chunk of ice. I said, "Oh my god, they froze her!" I don't know who "they" were, but I knew in the dream. I get the impression that they were people that I was either related to or friends with, people I had a close relationship with, who I would have trusted to care for my baby. I should have been devastated that my baby had been frozen to death, but again, I was mostly nonchalant. Instead of a horrified, sick feeling that should accompany the death of my newborn daughter, I had more of an "Oh, darn" kind of mentality. Oh darn, my baby's dead, shucks. In the dream it was fairly gruesome. The baby looked like what I imagine a frozen newborn would look like in real life. Her skin had a blueish tint and she was curled up in the fetal position. I remember in the dream I thought about trying to thaw her out, but I knew that it was no good. My baby was dead and I couldn't bring her back. And then I woke up. Why the fuck am I dreaming about dead babies? About my dead baby? I have noticed that this is a recurring theme in my dreams. Every couple of months I will have a really fucked up, horrifying, guilt-inducing dream about killing something small and helpless that I am supposed to be taking care of. And I just remembered, the night before last, I had a dream that my sisters were visiting, and BK and I took them to LH's place. In the dream LH's place was not her current apartment or her mom's house, it was some house I'd never been to. In the dream LH was dating some guy and he was staying with her, and some other guy that he knew was staying over. We all decided to stay over for the night too, and my sisters were supposed to sleep in one room while BK and I slept in a different room. In the middle of the night I woke up to both of my sisters climbing into bed with us, first MLS and then BRS. They were really upset, especially MLS. I asked what was wrong, and I don't remember what they said exactly but they indicated that LH's boyfriend's friend or whoever had gotten into bed with them. I asked BRS, "Did he touch you?" She said no. I asked MLS the same question, and she said yes. I asked where he had touched her, and she said he had touched her chest and her genitals. She and BRS were both crying, and I started crying too. I felt like it was my fault that this had happened to my sister. I don't know why I keep having fucked up dreams. The only thing that I've really been that worried about lately is my job and money. I admit I've felt pretty depressed and hopeless, and I'm falling back into my old thinking patterns about being worthless and stupid. But why am I having dreams about killing kittens and babies, and letting my sisters get molested due to my own negligence? How the hell do I interpret that? 7:10 p.m. - 2008-12-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fuck So hey, they laid off eleven people at my job today, including two managers. When asked if they were done with the layoffs, they were extremely vague and would only say that they couldn't tell how the future would go. Which means no, they're not done firing people. I should be more scared than I am but I honestly just can't bring myself to care about this job much anymore. Or much of anything really, except for BK. I mean, I was pretty upset about the layoffs for about two hours today. After they made the announcement, I went into the bathroom and picked my right forearm to shreds. But I'm okay now. 11:40 p.m. - 2008-12-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What the fuck. So HB called me the other night, to tell me that JBen had contacted her to ask for my number or my e-mail address. He told her that he'd been wanting to apologize to me for a long time. She didn't give him my number thankfully, and I thought that would be the end of it. But then tonight she called me again and left a message, saying that he had left her a very long facebook message that she described as "really sad." She also said that he wanted her to relay a message to me. I'm curious to know what he has to say, but really, I'd just rather not deal with him. I don't want him to contact me. I don't want him knowing my phone number or e-mail. Maybe I'll let HB relay his message, but I don't think there's anything he can say that will make me forgive him for fucking with my self esteem like he did. 11:40 p.m. - 2008-12-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- God I hate December I have been depressed for the last few days. Depressed and crazy. A few nights ago BK and I had another broken condom incident. So I had to rush to the drugstore again and spend forty more bucks on the morning after pill. Unfortunately the hormones from the pill have made me crazy and depressed and anxious. Two nights ago, BK and I had a minor awkward moment that I blew way out of proportion. I didn't let him know that it bothered me, but after we went to bed I had to excuse myself to the bathroom so that he wouldn't catch me crying. Then yesterday I couldn't stop dwelling on it and was holding back tears all day at work. After work I apologized for the awkwardness and confessed that I was actually really upset the night before. And he apologized too, and then we were fine. I've never been in a relationship that functioned this smoothly before. It's so nice to know that I can be up front with him, and in return he will be patient and understanding with me. Even with the anxiety about the BK situation lifted, I was still depressed at work today. They sent out an e-mail with questions and answers from the third quarter meetings, and they basically said, "Hey guys, put your best foot forward, or you could get laid off!" So I had that to worry about. And then out of nowhere I'm dwelling on shit that happened back in high school?! I am twenty-one, going to be twenty-two in four months, and still clinging to my old high school regrets. Then tonight I went to HB's event that she organized, this panel discussion on homeless issues, and was nervous and fidgety the whole time. I have never really been a nail biter, but tonight I bit off all of my nails. I did it because the compulsive skin-picking has been really bad lately. I couldn't stop obsessing about picking. My skin didn't feel right. I was so worried that I would start idly picking at it without realizing what I was doing, I bit off every nail. The discussion was interesting, but I was so nervous that I couldn't wait for it to be over and I could escape from the crowd. Lately I just have this constant feeling that something is wrong. I know it's because I have PMS and because of the hormones from the pill, and hell, I'm sure half of it's from smoking too much damn pot. But that doesn't make the anxiety and depression feel any less real. I wish it would go away already. 11:45 p.m. - 2008-12-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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