This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I've come to hate my body and all that it requires I have spent the last three days in torturous digestive hell. I am so fucking sick of this. I'm going to see a doctor soon because this is making me crazy. Oh yeah, happy new year. 5:34 p.m. - 2008-12-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shut-in I don't know why I suddenly can't bring myself to leave the apartment. I don't answer the phone anymore. When BK tells me he's having company over, I sigh. It's like I can't bother with people anymore. Socializing feels like a chore that I'm too tired to deal with. All I seem to be willing to do lately is get stoned and loaf around the apartment. Maybe I'm just recovering from the holidays. I don't know, I've been really depressed. When BK's around I'm usually okay. But when I'm at work I'm miserable, sometimes even holding back tears. I wake up and cry some mornings because I don't want to go to work. My dissatisfaction at work has left me emotionally drained and stressed out in the evenings. Every night I come home and rant about work to BK. He has been very patient with me, because he knows what it's like to have a shitty corporate job. I can tell it's starting to get to him, though. He can't be patient forever. He seems to get especially frustrated when he wants sex and I'm not in the mood. He's still being patient for now, but I can tell that he misses sex. I feel really guilty about it, but I just can't find the motivation anymore. When we do have sex, which is down to a couple of times a week now, it's not as good as it used to be. He'll still get me off, but then when it's his turn, he won't come. Nothing I do works. I'll give him head, try different positions, and eventually have to stop due to exhaustion and soreness. I think it's all the pot. We never have sex sober anymore. Probably because we're always high. Logic would tell me to stop smoking, or cut back drastically. But when have I ever been known to follow logic? I can't let go of my crutch right now. Even if it is digging me into a hole that I can't get out of. And it's really hard to be responsible with BK smoking all the time. He gets up to wake and bake, goes to work high, smokes when he gets home from work, smokes before he eats so that the food tastes better, smokes before sex so that it feels better, smokes before watching TV or movies so that it's more trippy, hell, he even takes a hit or two before going out to my grandparents' house with me. And he usually gets me to smoke with him, so as a result we're both always high and we never go out anymore. 10:35 p.m. - 2008-12-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I hate this self-obsessed culture. I would just like to take a moment to express my opinion about Twitter and the self-absorbed assholes who use it. Nobody cares that you are hungry, that you are sleepy, that you need coffee, or whatever. Nobody is interested in what you're doing every second of the day, and if they do care, they are even more pathetic than you. The same goes for Facebook. Do you really need to update your Facebook status twelve times a day to let your friends know how you're feeling, what you just ate, how much homework you have? Maybe I'm just cranky today but it pisses me off how conceited my generation is. The internet has turned everyone into Paris Hilton. Everyone acts like they're fucking important these days. In reality you are not important, nobody cares about your current mood or activity but you, and you are wasting everyone's time. You are the only person who looks at the 400 photos of you on Facebook or Myspace. You are the only person who reads your five paragraph "About Me" section. You are most definitely the only person who reads your 100 question Myspace survey answers. And most likely you are the only person who thinks that you are important enough to deserve your own web page. I don't assume that anyone reads this blog and I kind of like it that way. I write this stuff for me. The only reason I haven't locked this blog is because it's therapeutic for me to get my thoughts and feelings out in the open, even if I do so anonymously. And I'd like to think I have something better to say than some vague, one-sentence Facebook status update. Okay, moving on. I don't know what's with me lately. I have been so depressed. I woke up the other day and started crying at the thought of facing another workday. I went into the bathroom to straighten my hair and I started sobbing. I couldn't stop for a few minutes. When I am at work I usually feel like I'm in a fog. I can concentrate on my work for the most part, but anytime I get up to go to the break room or bathroom or wherever, I just kind of zone out and switch to autopilot. I feel like I'm off in my own little world, like I know I'm at work but really my head is somewhere else entirely. I don't know how to accurately describe it. It's kind of like I'm in a really long, really boring movie, shot in first person. Normally the depression melts away when I get home and open my front door to see BK waiting for me. Lately that hasn't been the case. Being with him is comforting, and of course I still love him, but he doesn't make the depression go away. Out of nowhere the other day, I briefly thought about breaking up with him, and then immediately following that, I thought of suicide. The train of thought was kind of like this: He's not making me happy right now, maybe he'll never be able to make me happy again, maybe nothing can ever make me happy, I'm going to feel like this for the rest of my life, the only way to escape this is suicide. I'm not going to break up with him of course. It was just the depression talking. He's one of the only things that keeps me going most of the time. He would do pretty much anything to make me happy. I just wish I could get back to feeling normal. Do you know I have barely even had sex at all these last few weeks? I just don't want to deal with it. I can get turned on if we start making out, but I just don't want to take all the time and effort to have sex. That's how you know I'm really depressed. And food doesn't taste right anymore. I actually threw away part of my lunch today because I couldn't stand to finish it. I need something in my life to change. I don't know what that is yet. It isn't BK, that's the only thing I'm certain about. I want to get out of here, I want to move away and get a new job and never come back to this fucking town. I hate this town and I hate the stupidass college kids who live here. 4:30 p.m. - 2008-12-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hmm I think I just had some sort of breakthrough with my sister? She just texted me and the conversation was as follows: MLS: You are SOOO lucky you moved out. Me: Why do you say that? MLS: Because dad is a jerk. He told me he hopes I get adopted and he hopes to find someone that actually will. Don't tell mom! Me: Why cant i tell mom? I cant believe you havent told her already, that's a terrible thing to say to your daughter MLS: I already told her but I don't want her to know I told you Me: Okay i wont tell mom. Try not to let him get to you. Because you know you dont deserve to be treated that way MLS: Thanks I miss you I feel so bad for her. Because I know exactly what that feels like. I almost teared up for a minute after she texted me because for a minute it was like I was in her shoes, back in high school again with a dad who treated me more like a nuisance than a daughter. I don't know, it was like something in me shifted suddenly and I forgave my sister for everything that happened when we were kids. I get that she didn't understand how she used to make me feel and why it was wrong. I feel extremely guilty about hitting her so often and so hard. I plan to apologize to her sometime soon. She turned out to be a pretty decent kid. She's still got her priorities all messed up and needs to focus more on becoming her own person instead of trying to be whatever boys want at the time. But she's not a bad kid. 10:12 p.m. - 2008-12-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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