This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- He scares me sometimes. I'm worried that BK is a paranoid schizophrenic. I made my peace with all of the conspiracy theories. At least he didn't make them up himself; he read about them all on the internet. But the other night we were at his friend D's place, and D told us that he and a friend had seen a ghost, a man in a ten gallon hat, in his house. We had already been watching a "scary" movie (The Grudge 2) on TV, and BK immediately started going on about how he could feel the presence of spirits. And then went on to talk about how he could sort of read people's minds, not so much thoughts but emotions. He had told me this before in private, and while it worried me, I didn't completely discredit his word. I do believe that there are phenomena that we can't always explain. I believe in ghosts, and I am moderately open to the idea that people are capable of possessing psychic abilities. But I think that BK is just more intuitive than most people. I think he can sense from body language and tone of voice when people are experiencing certain emotions. I have difficulty accepting his claim that he picks up on vibes from people's psyches. So naturally I was embarrassed that he went on and on about this in front of other people. He kept looking around the room and then starting intently at certain spots. Then he went as far as to attempt to let down his "psychic barrier" and he went and stood in the spot where D had seen the ghost. He came back and reported that he had felt him standing right next to him. Meanwhile I was stoned and extremely paranoid. The idea of ghosts has always scared the shit out of me. They're one of the main themes in a lot of my nightmares. So then we got into the car to drive home and things got even weirder. He acted like he could sense that I was pissed off at him for going on about ghosts and freaking me out. Well, duh he could sense it. I was clearly acting pissed off and nervous, and had outright told him that I was too stoned to hear about ghosts. He said that my negative feelings were making his head hurt, and it always hurt on the side of his head that was facing me. I told him I couldn't talk about it while I was driving because I was paranoid and needed to concentrate. We got into a long discussion about it at home. He could tell that I was skeptical and said I had made him feel embarrassed. I told him that I was worried about him, and he asked, "Are you thinking that I'm schizophrenic?" I told him I wasn't sure because I didn't know enough about schizophrenia and that I was just worried about him. Then he tried to tell me that he'd picked up on a bit of shock from me, that in my head I had realized that he was on to me. Honestly, I felt like he was trying to manipulate the way I viewed the situation. He did not pick up on anything. He had probably already guessed from the conversation that I had been worried about schizophrenia. Hell, he admitted that he'd considered it himself because his family has a history. Yeah, that's right, there is a history of schizophrenia and other mental illness in his family. His maternal (I think?) grandmother had schizophrenia. His mother is completely emotionally unbalanced. I think he mentioned a history of bipolar disorder too, and come on, BK himself is already a mess. And I read that in men, schizophrenia typically kicks in around BK's age. So yeah, I am worried about schizophrenia. That night I considered breaking up with him, and ending things before it became too painful. But I can't do that. He is the only person I have cared this much about. We nurture each other. He holds me when I come home from work and cry about nothing in particular. He says he loves me as a whole, and I feel the same way about him. He is crazy, no doubt, but he is also interesting, intelligent, much more compassionate than he lets on, and the most satisfying lover I have ever been with. When I thought about breaking up with him my thoughts turned to suicide. I can't imagine waking up without him, coming home from work without him being there to greet me. I love him, and I can't give up on him. 8:10 p.m. - 2009-01-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- About love Being in love is so completely foreign to me. I've never experienced this before so I've had trouble expressing it, both to myself and to BK. It is both comforting and terrifying at the same time. The idea that he is so devoted to me, so enamored with me, astonishes me. I am so appreciative of his respect and adoration for me, that I would do pretty much anything to hold on to that. I understand now why people become so jealous when they're in a relationship. I'm trying really hard not to let that consume me. On the logical side, I know that BK loves me and would not go out of his way to hurt me. I try to remind myself of this every time I start to have doubts. But I have so many leftover trust issues, sometimes I let it get the best of me. I keep thinking back to my relationship with RF. It's ancient history, and I've recovered a lot more than I expected to, but I still remember the way he could look me straight in the eye and lie to me so smoothly. The way he made me feel crazy for ever distrusting him, even though I knew that I had caught him lying. BK has similar personality traits. He is very intelligent and quick-thinking. He has admitted that he's a good liar, and that in the past he's manipulated people with ease. All of his stories are from back when he was in high school, and from the sound of it he doesn't advocate manipulating people anymore. But I still wonder sometimes. I know that he would never cheat on me, but I feel like there are warning signs lately. He's always out with his friends. They're all guys, and any girl he interacts with is usually one of their girlfriends, so I'm not worried that he'll meet anyone yet. But I know that the desire to spend less time around the home, around me, is a sign that he is at least slightly dissatisfied with the relationship. I'm trying to give him the space that he needs, that anyone needs in a relationship. And we've even talked about it and he assured me over and over that it had nothing to do with me. But why does he still spend so much time away from home when I've expressed that I'd like to see him more often? I am trying as hard as I can to rationalize. I know that I'm a pretty boring person. I'm okay with being a homebody. He says he's okay with it too, but I can tell that he gets bored sometimes. He says he gets cabin fever. I'm trying to clean up the apartment so that maybe he doesn't feel so cramped and claustrophobic here. Maybe that will help? I just want him to spend more time with me. I miss him. 11:05 a.m. - 2009-01-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fuck this day. The last two days have been fucking stressful. Last night I flipped out on BK. He had gone out with his friends but was expected to return around ten. When ten o'clock arrived and he was not home, I called to see what was up. He told me that he was out with CG driving around and smoking. He said CG needed to talk about TW. Fuck that. I was at home having panic attacks about my sick cat. I wanted him here. So he was frustrated with two needy people demanding his attention, and then I got pissy and said something along the lines of "I guess I'll see you eventually, you drive around with your boyfriend, goodbye." Naturally that pissed him off. But as usually he was still able to handle the situation in a calm, articulate manner, which both infuriates me and reminds me why I am so attracted to him. He called me back to basically scold me. He said that the boyfriend comment was "uncalled for" and that he would be home as soon as he was done dealing with CG's high school nonsense. I know that what I said was immature and unnecessary. I knew it even while I was saying it. I was just so frustrated with him for leaving me alone while I was so upset, and for spending more time with his friends than with me lately. So after we hung up, I sent myself into a guilt-induced, self-critical downward spiral. I was sobbing uncontrollably, gasping and hyperventilating. At one point I was crying so hard, I almost wonder if the neighbors couldn't hear me. It wasn't just the cat or the little mini-fight BK and I had just had that had upset me so much. I've been really depressed lately and my self esteem has been extremely low. So I guess that phone conversation just sent me over the edge. I kept thinking about what a terrible person I felt like I was. At that moment I couldn't understand why anybody would care about me, why everyone had put up with me for so long. I felt like a miserable, pathetic little pest. I wanted to push everyone out of my life and never leave my apartment. I wanted to spare everyone the trouble of knowing me, at the expense of my loneliness. I wanted to break up with BK for his sake. Because I was convinced that he deserved better, that he had enough to worry about without some crazy girlfriend slowing him down. I was convinced that he couldn't really love me for much longer, that he only loved me now because he hadn't known at first how fucked up and needy and difficult I can be. With all of these thoughts mingling in my head I began to think about suicide. A lot more seriously than usual. I still wasn't planning on doing killing myself, but I did have an overwhelming urge to hurt myself, to punish myself for being so worthless and unpleasant. I had all of these scary, fucked up emotions and I wanted to release some of them. I went into the bathroom to find something sharp. I wasn't going to cut, just a scratch so as not to leave a scar. I couldn't really find anything but fingernail clippers, so there was very little damage and no blood. I may have done worse but at that moment, BK came home. He said he was just popping in for a few minutes to say hi and to apologize for taking out his frustrating with CG out on me over the phone. I apologized over and over for being a crazy bitch, and we went into the bedroom to talk for a while. I was still crying and I told him that I missed him and was frustrated with the amount of time he was spending away from me, and that I was worried it had something to do with me. I told him that I hadn't said anything because I wanted to be a laid back girlfriend, but that I was tired of coming home to either an empty apartment or a room full of his friends. We talked for a while and he asked if I was okay. I said yes, and he asked, "Then why are you still crying?" I told him I didn't know and that I couldn't stop. He said he was scared and I heard him sniffling. I asked if he was crying and he said yes. He told me that he was worried that I'd hurt myself. I don't know how he knew I'd been thinking about that. He's always able to get into my head. He made me promise not to hurt myself while he was out with CG. He said, "I don't want to lose you." The fact that he was that worried about me, the fact that he cried for me when he hasn't been able to cry in years, made me feel guiltier than I'd felt all night. I realized that I was being selfish and childish and most of all irrational, and that BK loves me more than I could even understand. I apologized again, wiped off my face and kissed him, and then everything felt right again. I felt so much better. I was still sad and mopey all night. I felt emotionally drained. But I did not want to kill myself anymore, or even hurt myself. He left for a while to go drive around a bit more with CG, and when he came back we cuddled on the couch and ate comfort foods, and it felt like everything was normal again. Today I woke up and took my cat to the vet's office. Spent a good two hours and $240 there. The vet told me that she most likely had a urinary tract infection caused by all of her extra fat putting pressure on her insides and not allowing her to pee. And that she probably also has kidney stones. Who knows? She was so fat, he couldn't really see one kidney on the ultrasound. Which, by the way, he didn't ask my permission to do. He was considerate enough not to charge me for it. I think he felt guilty for trying to overcharge me. He did, however, lecture me about how fat she is, and instructed me to put her on special expensive diet food. He also cleaned off her nasty butt that she never grooms because she's too fat to reach, and lectured me about that too. So when I brought her home she didn't have the usual smell on her body, and my other cat didn't recognize her smell and freaked out and started howling at her and hissing. I had to put him in the bathroom (and got bloodied up in the process) to keep him from killing her. I tried to take him out a few hours later but he still yowled at her. To say the least, I am extremely stressed out. Now on top of leftover anxieties from last night, I have a cat feeding schedule and antibiotics to worry about, not to mention making sure the poor thing doesn't get savagely attacked when I'm not looking. On the plus side, BK is coming home and has promised to spend a quiet evening at home with me. This knowledge is the only thing keeping me calm right now. Well, that and good old fashioned cannabis. 4:56 p.m. - 2009-01-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So much for my good mood. Today I was actually in a good mood. It even lasted through the workday. Then I came home, and BK arrived home a few minutes later. And then he announced the he was leaving to buy more pot. But that he would be back very soon because he missed me and wanted to cuddle. And so he came home with two friends. And then my cat started pissing blood. And then BK left again to go hang out with his fucking boyfriends. So now I have to wake up early to take my cat to the vet to make sure she is okay. I am fucking freaked out and BK knows it, and I wish he would have stayed home. He did talk to me to make sure I didn't mind him leaving, and so I guess it's my own fault for telling him I'd be okay by myself. But I didn't want to act like a controlling girlfriend in front of his friends. He kind of put me on the spot. I'm getting pretty tired of it. Why does he want to spend more time with his friends than with me? Maybe if I had friends of my own besides MD and HB, it wouldn't be so hard for me to deal with. I could just go out with them instead of sitting at home, missing my boyfriend. Fuck, who am I kidding, I know damn well I wouldn't go out. I never feel like going anywhere. I rarely want to see anyone other than BK. Socializing is more like work than fun. I would rather stay at home and sleep. 8:39 p.m. - 2009-01-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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