This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Breakthrough? This weekend I learned how to make broomstick lace. I watched a couple of instructional videos, and then sat down and practiced a few rows. I didn't have to review the videos at all. The fact that I managed to pick it up so quickly made me feel pride for the first time in a very long time. It helped me to finally realize that I am intelligent and talented. Twelve years of public education had left me with the brainwashed notion that if I couldn't hack it in classroom settings, then that meant that something was wrong with me. I felt like I would never be able to focus on anything or fully comprehend the information being presented to me. But then I realized that I am a fucking crochet wizard. I can read a crochet pattern, or watch a tutorial video, and get it right almost immediately, sometimes even on the first try. I work best when I am doing something creative with my own two hands. And learning new skills with yarn gives me a sense of accomplishment. I had forgotten how exciting it is just to learn new things. I had given up on learning, convinced that I was defective somehow. I never even gave myself a chance. But the realization that I am intelligent inspired me to watch the video for hairpin lace, a technique that intimidated me. Turns out it's really simple, and I could probably get it right if I had a picture to look at as a refresher. I was feeling so encouraged, I actually cooked dinner and cleaned up a bit. I felt truly happy for the first time in ages. Don't get me wrong, BK makes me happy, but this is the first time I've been able to make myself feel happy since I was a kid. And then I realized that the only way I'm ever going to be happy, the only way I can wake up in the morning without a sense of dread, is if I can find a job that will allow me to exercise my creativity. I think I finally know what I want to do with my life. Crazy as it sounds, I want to work towards making a career for myself in the yarn crafts community. I want to learn everything there is to know. I plan on learning hairpin lace, re-learning knitting, and buying some books and attending classes on shaping and designing patterns. I want to knit or crochet anything you could think of, intricate lace, cabled sweaters, amigurumi dolls, I want to make art. I want to use crochet as my medium for sculpture. I feel like I finally have the confidence to express myself in a way that fits me. I'm starting a yarn blog. I have plans to take pictures of all of the yarn craft projects I've made since I started, even the ugly ones. I want to get to know people within the community and learn new things from them, like what kind of copyright laws I need to consider when offering patterns, either for free or for sale. I plan on opening an Etsy account, or something similar, so that I can sell my crafts and patterns. I want to make a name for myself and eventually get my own domain so that I can sell things on my own website. If I make a big enough name for myself I might be able to sell some patterns to a magazine, or even write my own column. I could put out a book. This is the first time in my life that I've ever felt like I could ever have a successful future, that I could actually make something of myself. 8:35 p.m. - 2009-02-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I HATE MY BODY!! I want to scream. I am SO FRUSTRATED. This happens every month. Every fucking month I am constipated for two days because my cramps prevent me from going. I've gone once today. Usually the IBS has me going at least three or four times. I can deal with the constipation and diarrhea and gas that I get most of the time, but when combined with the cramps it's too much. It's fucking MADDENING. I couldn't even go to work today. And BK has all of the weed with him. It's the only thing that relieves the pain. Acetaminophen and ibuprofen barely help. And to make me feel even more crazy, my upstairs neighbor has been sprinting around his apartment all day. All week. Actually, he has been doing it the entire time I've lived here and I'm about ready to shoot a fucking hole through the ceiling. 6:56 p.m. - 2009-01-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Good feelings for once Things are good with BK again. Turned out that what was missing from our relationship was sex. Not just arousal or orgasms, but the physical closeness, the passion, and most importantly the extreme intimacy, was missing. I had a dream about having sex with him yesterday morning before work. I woke up and told him about it, and then pretty much jumped him. We both ended up climaxing at the same time, something that hasn't happened in a long time. Afterward, I was so emotionally fulfilled that a few tears ran down my face. Everything felt right with the relationship again. I went to work that morning in a good mood. Physically, I felt like shit. I had both a sinus headache and a neck tension headache, both predominantly on the left side of my head. On top of that I had nothing in my stomach, so I felt like I was going to puke. But I was able to genuinely smile at strangers in the office. I was able to offer opinions and suggestions during my manager's team meeting, without mumbling or shaking or getting hot. The good mood lasted all day. I felt confident. I felt like I was valid for once. It's not that sex gives me validation. The knowledge that a person finds me sexually attractive isn't what gives me confidence (okay, maybe a little). It's my own sexuality that gives me confidence. I feel empowered. I feel like I'm in control of myself in bed, I'm not restricted to only a few options, like I am in the outside world. I feel alive and beautiful and confident during sex. It has nothing to do with the partner; I feel the same way sometimes when I masturbate. And best of all, better than actually feeling happy at work yesterday, is things are back to normal with BK again. I can say I love him without hesitating, without that dreadful doubt constantly lingering in my mind. I can look into his eyes and feel comfort instead of uncertainty. It's not that our relationship is based solely on sex, it's just that sex with him is completely different than sex with past partners was. The sex with other people was always passionate and empowering too, but it's not nearly as satisfying as having sex with someone I love. It's overwhelming. It feels so amazing. 10:58 a.m. - 2009-01-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I almost got into a car accident today. I'm on my lunch break right now. I'm supposed to be going back to work right now, but I'm just going to take my time and use vacation time to make up for the extra time at home. I almost got into an accident when I turned onto a busy street on my way home. I turned left and got into the turn lane to wait for the cars in the left lane to pass. I merged into the left lane, then I guess I was going too fast and swerved into the right lane. I think there was some sand on the road, and the combination of the swerve and the sand caused me to lose control of the car. I was fishtailing the same way I would if I hit a patch of ice. There was a car ahead of me over in the left lane, and I was trying to avoid hitting it. I ended up over correcting and my car spun clockwise onto the grass. If I were superstitious I'd say that it was a miracle that I didn't hit anything. My car ended up right next to a fire hydrant, stop sign, and telephone pole. And hey, guess what! A cop saw the whole thing. I explained that I had lost control of the car and he saw how panicked I was (I was hyperventilating) and told me that since I hadn't hit anything, there was no need to fill out an accident report. He was so nice to me, I get the impression that he felt sorry for me. I drove home and started having a hardcore panic attack. There were a couple of times when I almost had to pull over, but I couldn't find a spot to do so that wouldn't leave me blocking traffic. My vision was getting blurry. It was so bizarre. I'd never had a panic attack that bad before. It was like my vision was fading in and out; one moment things were just a little fuzzy, the next moment I almost couldn't see at all. I had to fight to keep my eyes focused and to keep my breathing under control. I was so freaked out I almost missed a turn once, and then I completely passed my next turn and had to take another route. I made it home safely and came through my front door with tears running down my face. I told BK that I had almost gotten into an accident, and he acted like he didn't care. He was on the internet and started babbling about dead babies in Gaza. Okay, I realize that's an extremely important topic. I do not in any way make light of what's going on over there, and I am not trying to imply that my almost-accident is at all more important than what he was reading about. But for fuck's sake, when your girlfriend comes home in the middle of a panic attack, tears streaming down her face, and tells you that she almost wrecked her car, you are supposed jump right the fuck out of your seat and hold her. Even after I explained to him in detail what had happened and how bad the panic attack was, even though I was still sobbing and hyperventilating, he went on to express how upset he was about the Gaza article. How he had cried about it. How he couldn't turn off his mind, how he could hear the voices of people that he knew reciting the articles he'd just read word for word. I am convinced now that he's developing schizophrenia. Over the last few days my small, vague doubts about my relationship with BK have turned into real, serious doubts. I can't take care of him. He will never be able to be there for me as much as I need him to because he has his own shit to worry about, worse shit than mine. He scares me. I don't think he's the violent type. He just scares me. He rants about conspiracy theories all the time. He wants me to be as scared of it all as he is. I don't know if I can stay with someone who is constantly scaring me. And it feels like something is missing from the relationship, something that used to be there but has been taken away somehow. I'm involuntarily pulling away from him. I've been trying to rationalize, tell myself that this is just the same old fear of commitment that I've always had. I try to remind myself how happy he can make me. Sometimes it works, but sometimes all I can think about is how scared I am. I don't even know if I believe myself when I say "I love you" anymore. He's picking up on it, too. He's trying hard to spend time with me and tell me how much he appreciates me all the time. It's like every day he has to work to make me fall in love with him again. I don't know what to do. I have PMS right now and as a rule, I don't make big decisions while I have PMS because it completely rewires my brain and emotions for a week. For all I know, I might be fine with him once I start my period, and I can chalk all of this up to PMS confusion and depression. It's happened before. But I have a sinking feeling that it can't just be the PMS this time. I don't know what to do. 11:01 a.m. - 2009-01-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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