This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shut-in I can't figure out why, but I'm having a really hard time finding the motivation to leave the apartment lately, or even to answer the phone. I've lost touch with all of my friends, to the point where they are offended. HB left me a voicemail (because as she put it, I'm "virtually impossible to get ahold of") to ask if I really even wanted to be in her wedding. The answer is an emphatic no, but I couldn't even call to tell her that. I haven't talked to KH in months, haven't even congratulated her on the engagement. I don't go over to BK's friends' houses anymore because I just can't motivate myself to do anything but get high and play games or watch porn on the computer all night. I just don't feel like doing anything anymore, and I don't know why. 11:50 p.m. - 2009-03-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Willpower Sometimes when I force myself to control my overeating, I get a persistent, nagging feeling that something is wrong. It makes my stomach feel squeezed, the way it feels when I have a mild anxiety attack. It takes every shred of effort to put the food back into the fridge. Sometimes I cave and keep eating. Usually if I force myself to put the food back though, I don't go back for more, but I think about it a lot. After half an hour or so, I don't care anymore and I don't feel like I need to keep eating. But for those first few minutes, while I am wrestling with the cravings, it's very distressing. I'm proud of myself for successfully waiting it out tonight. 9:11 p.m. - 2009-03-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Will finish this entry later? I read an article today: Under Pressure: Are girls facing too much?" Okay fine, I know it's MSNBC, I know it's the Associated Press, but contrary to what BK thinks, sometimes the mainstream media does publish stories that are valid and worth consideration. And the article explained in words that I have never been able to find, exactly what went through my head when I was in high school. The article is all about the expectations that are placed on teen girls. These days, girls are expected to be pretty, skinny, outgoing and polite, fashionable, and they are expected to be able to attract boys effortlessly. They are expected to perform well in school, as well as sports and other extracurricular activities. They're expected to be an individual but still fit in. They are told that they should be delicate and strong at the same time. And then I read another article: Positive Parenting: Get past teen stereotypes. It's all about how parents think of teens as incomplete adults. They think that teens are "missing" something and need to be "fixed". They focus on what their kids aren't doing instead of the positive things that they are doing. An example is, my kid is a good kid because he doesn't do drugs, because he doesn't hang out with bad kids, because he doesn't start fights. When it should be, my kid is a good kid because he is empathetic, because he wants to help others, because he has strong morals. Parents always hear about their kids should be avoiding, but not necessarily about what they should be doing in order to transition into healthy, confident adults. They focus on achievements in school, work or extracurricular activities, rather than on personal achievements like making a new friend or learning something new about themselves. I want to show these articles to my mother. I want her to understand why I acted the way I did in high school, why I felt the way I did, but mostly, I want her to understand that she didn't understand me. She always assumed that I slacked off because I was a typical teen, that I was being defiant. The truth is, back in high school, life scared the piss out of me. School was overwhelming. I hated myself. I felt like I had to accomplish so much, and that I couldn't possibly do it all at once, so I just stopped trying. Most of the time I was overcome by a crushing sense of guilt. I might finish this entry later, BK is on his way home. 5:30 p.m. - 2009-03-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So paranoid that I don't even trust myself. I'm a goddamn roller coaster lately. I'll have days where I'm self-loathing, afraid, pessimistic, angry, desperate. During those days, I don't answer the phone. I hold back tears all day at work. I avoid my friends and family. I want to shut myself away from everyone, even BK. On those days, I want to break up with him. I even want to die, sometimes. But then a few days later, I'm fine. BK and I are happy together, can't keep our hands off each other, sappy and sweet. I feel confident and sometimes I actually have hope for some sort of future for myself. I see beauty in my surroundings. I even feel like calling up some friends to hang out, sometimes. After the last entry, I talked with BK when I was feeling more calm and rational. I told him that I was still not really over the fight, and I got some points across that I hadn't been able to the night before. And he said that he finally realized what an asshole he makes himself out to be when he's telling everyone that everything they've ever known is wrong. I finally felt better, and the relationship felt restored. We spent the entire weekend doting on each other, expressing appreciation and gratitude toward each other, and fucking like mad. I regretted saying that I wanted to break up with him in my previous entry. And today I'm having doubts again. I don't even know why, really. He hasn't done anything different between then and now. I just feel like maybe we aren't supposed to be together. Or like maybe I shouldn't be with anyone right now. I don't trust myself. I don't know half the time if the emotions that I'm feeling are genuine, or how long they'll last. Am I feeling this way today because my brain chemistry or my hormones are fucked up today? Is this feeling going to last for a day, or a week? I don't trust myself to think rationally so I am afraid to make decisions. Does BK really make me feel inferior, or was I already feeling that way and projecting it onto him? Do I really love him or is it just denial to avoid being alone? I worry sometimes that I only stick with him to counteract the fear of commitment that has caused me to give on up past relationships. I like to think that in those relationships, I really was completely incompatible with those guys, though. Hell, half of them used me for their own benefit. Bk doesn't use me or go out of his way to hurt me like they did. But sometimes I don't feel like this is going to last. Or even if it does last for a year or two or even longer, I don't know if it be beneficial to me or harmful. I catch myself thinking sometimes, Don't give up on this so easily, that's why all of my past relationships have only lasted three months. Is that responsibility and maturity, or fear? 6:45 p.m. - 2009-02-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||