This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Frustrated I am so frustrated by the things that I can't control. I hate that I have to go to work every day so that I can afford to live in a cramped, overpriced apartment with loud neighbors and paper-thin walls. I hate that when I go to work, I am ostracized because people think that I am unfriendly. I hate that people are so stupid and absorbed in their own bullshit that they can't even differentiate shyness from rudeness. I hate that I can't just go find some land somewhere that's not being used and settle on it, like you could centuries ago. I'm sick of living among all of these assholes who are obsessed with pop culture and brand name clothing. I am sick of their arbitrary idea that success is based solely on money. I hate that for some reason, I'm expected to compete with these people, to try and make more money than them, because only after I've proven that I've attained the appropriate level of status can I be reassured that I am a valid human being. I wish I could just escape this! I wish I could just take BK out to some unclaimed plot of land (good luck finding one of those though, right?) and start a new life. I want to grow my own food and not have to worry about the government pumping poison into it. I want to go somewhere where I won't be bothered and where I am free to do what I want, as long as I don't harm anyone, without the government keeping tabs on me. I just want to be left alone. 5:20 p.m. - 2009-03-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - I am so unbelievably sick of BK putting his friends before me. He's fucked up bad this time, and I don't think he even knows it. I asked him this morning if he could set aside some time after work to spend some time with me, just the two of us. I figured if I specifically asked him to make time for me, maybe he would actually follow through on it. So tonight when I got home from work, he texted me to tell me that A) He was "drunkish" and B) He was on his way home from work. Then about fifteen minutes later, he texted me again to say that he was stopping off at his friend's house, just to make an appearance and say hi to everyone. I was pissed, but I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt. But then half an hour later, I texted him to remind him that we had plans. He said he would be home soon. It has now been two hours since we both got off work. And why do I get the feeling that he hasn't even left yet? Gee, and I turned down plans with VH to go drinking on St. Patrick's Day because I had made plans with my boyfriend after work. I'm so glad that I sabotage my chance at a social life because I'm waiting on BK all the time. I don't know how much more of this I can take. When he gets home I'm going to tell him exactly how horrible this feels when he keeps doing this all the time. I'm not going to let him turn the blame around to me this time and say that my insecurities are the real cause of this problem. I will not allow him to manipulate me into a tearful apology again. He is at fault here. He knew that we had plans, and he did not show up. I'm tired of him always postponing our plans. Does he not get how insulting that is to me? 7:01 p.m. - 2009-03-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Damn it. BK joined another band. Now he can abandon me to practice twice as often! 4:41 p.m. - 2009-03-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Trapped I am questioning my attachment to BK again today. I don't really see much benefit to staying with him. He won't stop rambling about "synchronicity". He keeps watching all of these insane videos on Youtube that say that there are no coincidences, that the "collective unconscious" keeps spitting out the same symbolism because it's trying to tell us something. Last night we were smoking, and he told me that for a second he got this crazy idea: My office could be controlling my mind, making me think that all I was doing all day was boring data entry, but really the office was just a front for a government organization, and I might be a spy sent to keep track of BK's activity. He told me that he knew that it was nonsense and of course he didn't believe it, but made a point to tell me that if it turned out to be true, he would have to stab me. WHAT. THE. FUCK. That is the kind of thing a paranoid schizophrenic would say. Now I'm worried that eventually, he'll start to believe that I really am a spy, and he will actually stab me. You hear about it all the time. Guy stabs someone to death on a bus because god told him the passenger was a demon and he must be killed. Guy shoots up a church because god told him to. Guy kills his girlfriend because the "collective unconscious" (AKA god) told him to. Mental illness aside, he doesn't fucking do anything around here. I even told him he didn't have to pay his portion of this month's rent, on the condition that he save his money and not spend it on drugs. Now the month is only half over, and he is down to his last $40. What did he spend his money on? Well it wasn't groceries because I'm the one who spends $100 on that every two weeks, so... Yeah, it was weed again. He has basically told me in a roundabout way that pot takes priority over rent. Also, he told me over a month ago that he would wash all of the dishes, and he has not touched them. I keep reminding him, trying not to nag, and he keeps apologizing for not doing it. But then he still doesn't wash them. And because I like to punish myself, I just turned in the sheet that states that I want to renew my rent. I am signing up for another year here, and I know BK's going to try to weasel his way out of signing the lease with me and continue to live here unofficially. I can't move anywhere else because he needs to stay close to work, because he doesn't have a car. So I couldn't even move to a cheaper apartment across town, because he needs to have a way to get to work. If we break up in the future, I'm stuck paying $465 a month by myself. I can't handle that! I feel like I'm stuck right now. 11:46 a.m. - 2009-03-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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